Shuffle this…. November 6, 2009
Posted by notyouraveragesinglemomma in ass-shaking soundtrack of my life, rockstar momma posse.Tags: ATTITUDE, gangsta, rock & roll, rockstar mommas
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I love music. Seriously. Love it. Id marry it if I was a fan of marriage.
I sing along to every song even if I don’t know the words. I sing em loud and off key and I don’t care.
Sure, not many people know what the hell Robert plant is singing about nor can we hit his high notes but who cares?!
It’s led fuckin Zeppelin!

Crank that shit!!
Ever dance around your house in booty shorts and knee hi socks?
You should. Its Invigorating!
I like to shake my ass to a lil Outlast
“Hey Ya” in the mornings…it’s like excersise but way cooler.
Music fits my moods…shakes my ass and makes the world go round…right round. Like a record baby.
Yeah…I’m THAT chick that randomly bursts into song & can answer your questions with some random lyric that pops into my head.
Music Savy Mom (have you checked out her blog? Whatcha waiting for?! GO) has given me the opportunity to shuffle.
I know right?! How fucking cool is that?!
Only one problem……my shuffle list is out of control and I cant stop…..screw it….here goes!
*Led Zeppelin: Trampled under foot = I cant not dance to this one
Kashmir = instant high even when Im not
*Beck: Loser = ridiculously good and far too much fun to sing…plus I could totally see myself ”saving all the food stamps and burning down the trailer park”
*Amy Winehouse: Tears dry on their own = best breakup song EVER.

If you’ve been dumped…turn on some Amy, flip him the bird and move the fuck on….you don’t need him
*Nitty Gritty Dirt Band: Fishin in the dark = far too fun not to sing and reminds me of Rileys…anyone from WHS remember that place?
*Rolling Stones: She’s a rainbow = oh come on..try to be pissy and sing along
*Ez E: Tha boyz in tha hood = cause it’s ez fuckin e.
I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing when Kurt Loder came on MTVnews and announced E’s death…at the bar..shakin my ass of course

*Bombshel: 19 & crazy =makes me miss my bestie
*5th Demention: Age of Aquarius = crazy fun to sing obnoxiously loud in the car PLUS a funky lil beat to shake your booty too
*Mary j bilge: Real Love = ummmm its Mary…who doesn’t like Mary?
*Nirvana: Teen Spirit = makes me feel like im in jr high with that skater boyfriend I had
*AC/DC: ANYTHING by AC/DC is badfrigginass.

*Tim McGraw: Dancin when the stars go blue = sooooo wanna slow dance
*Van Morrison: Brown eyed girl = song for my brown eyed girls
*Guess Who: No time = must.dance.now.
*Ice Cube: Today was a good day = umm its Cube….nuff said

I could go on like this forever….and I totally will……stay tuned and #assslap to MusicSavvyMom for the oppportunity to shuffle this shit up!
Cable, Paris & Obama October 27, 2009
Posted by notyouraveragesinglemomma in Im going to hell, Life, Randomness, crissy fits, gonna get me some hate mail fo sho.Tags: annoyed, ATTITUDE, biracial, cable, hobo, influences, Life, motherhood, Obama generation my ass, random, unacceptable
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Recently the PIT looked at me and said in a very serious tone “momma we need cable. I can’t keep going to peoples houses to watch cable like a hobo”

Um first-did you just say hobo or homo? Second-do you know what either of those words mean?!
I looked at her at simply replied “you are so right. You can’t be running around watching cable like a hobo. You’re grounded.”
Problem solved! Score one for momma!!
Of course, the PIT was less than amused by her mothers clever yet legit problem solving skills.
It was a judgement call. Do I ground her thus solving the “I’m a hobo” crisis or explain to her why the cable company, like so many others, seriously annoy the fuck outta me?
Makes sense…ground her and take my R rated explanations to NYASM.com!
That’s right…this blog is saving my childs life.
When I say the cable company annoys the fuck outta me, I don’t me like “gaaaaawd they’re annoying“, I mean like..”i wanna bite you” kinda annoying

one of the main reasons we haven’t had cable in several years is because I got into a very ugly dispute with Jermaine at the customer service center.
He probably doesn’t even work for the cable company but that’s not the point.
The point is…Jermaine pissed me off when he worked there thus the cable company pissed me off. I refuse to do business with such obvious “fuck the customer over” policy.

I could just get one of those converter box thingys but instead I watch stepbrothers over and over.
I seriously never get sick of will ferrill. He’s one of the few people I still find amusing when I’m sober.
The cable company and most recently the cell phone company have proven their “fuck the customer over” policies and ass raping charges and quite frankly, I want no part of it. I refuse to pay that kinda money for 168 channels that i wont watch. I dont want to “bundle”. Is that your way of nicely saying “youre going to pay way too much right now?!”
Take the bundle and shove it. Im not buyin it.
So THAT is why we don’t have cable sunshine.
That and, watching the news makes me violent.
Seriously. I need a Xanax just to watch CNN.
Why are we still discussing Kasey Anthony?! Gaaawd how bloody obvious is it?! Get rid of her and let’s move on shall we?
And am I the only one that thinks Baracks Nobel piece prize is about as worthy and well earned as an Oscar for Paris hiltons sex tape?
What the hell is going on?!
I’m not a political person so before you waste your time with hate mail lemme say this: I don’t care who you voted for, if you like him or not, I don’t care why you like or dislike him either. Save your breath…I don’t care. 
This entire Obama thing is way outta hand.
Yes I said Obama thing.
I seriously don’t know what the fuck is going on here.
I recently drove past a billboard for the “Obama generation“.
When did that happen?! A generation? Come on. Didn’t pepsi have a generation? And I’m suppossed to see you as a respectable world leader, as the leader of the free fucking nation?!

I’m having a hard time respecting Obama as a celebrity right now. I’m not even sure why this is being treated celeb-ish. I also have no idea why Paris Hilton is treated celeb-ish. Paris hunny…just shut the fuck up. You’re seriously stupid and it’s annoying. Accomplish something constructive and then you may speak again. And no..sex tapes do not count as accomplishing anything. It’s not that big of a deal really, lotsa people have sex Paris and most are much better at it

Yes. I just compared our president to Paris Hilton. Big deal.
Alright fine…maybe thats a bit extreme..but i dont think so.
Accomplish something worthwhile and save the money that was wasted on that billboard.
Sorta feels like this “obamanation” is trying to sell me a big pile of camel shit (like the cable company) and force their “ideas” down my fucking throat.
I don’t like to be forced to do anything. It makes me suspicious.
Just sayin…
It shoulda been a simple in and out kinda deal October 26, 2009
Posted by notyouraveragesinglemomma in Im going to hell, Randomness, crissy fits.Tags: cell phones, impatient, old folks, random, useless employees
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It should have been a simple in & out kinda deal.
(yes, I know. That’s what she said)
I simply needed to return something that was of no use to me….within the allowed 30 days as clearly stated on the contact.
Why is everything so damn complicated at a cell phone store?!

As I entered the store I was greeted by a gentleman who I assumed worked there.
(The word “work” is used rather loosely if you ask me)
“Welcome! How can I help you?” He asked with a smile
(Tits…this might actually be simple….I thought to myself)
“I need to return this laptop connect card please” I replied
“Certainly! We can help you with that” he said as he grabbed for a clipboard. “And what is your name ma’am?” he asked
“Cristeen” I replied
“Is that with a “C” or a “K”? he asked
(WTF does that have to do with the price of tea in China sir?! I just wanna return this and leave. Whats with the list?!)
“Its “C” I replied with a rather fake ass smile.
“Great.” The man said “Someone will be with you shortly”
(Wait what? Are you not able to process a return? Why are you here?! To take my fucking name? That’s it…..whoa…tough gig chief. Thanks for nothing.)
I wonder around the store looking at pointless crap that I neither wanted or needed, I simply needed to kill some time since I was apparently on a list. I twittered, I text, I checked out the world of facebook…I played Tetris…I browsed backgrounds…and yup….still on that damn list.
Im not really known for my patient behavior so after a half hour of waiting..Im getting rather fucking annoyed.

The couple in front of me on this list were 105 and had never seen a cell phone before so not only was this going to be a long process explaining to Ma & Pa Kettle how their new plans work but youre also going to have to show them how to turn the fucker on.

Look, I love old people…they’re adorable but COME ON! Im kinda in a hurry here….I just need to return this….it’ll take 5 minutes I swear!
(It would have taken 5 minutes if people would cooperate btw)
The man who put my name on this damn list is clearly busy, texting.
I return to the counter where hes taking up space “Sir? Would it be possible for you to process this simple return for me?”
“Actually, it looks like Ben is just finishing up so it should only be a few more minutes. We appreciate your patience and please remember that you will be given as much time as you need with the associate also” he replied with a hint of fuck off in his voice.
“As much time as I need? To return a laptop connect card?” I said “Its not a fucking date.”
And Ben is so not even close to done with Ma & Pa Kettle ok…..do see what is going on douchebag?! He just asked how to “make it go”….its gonna be a bit. They need time with Ben, I just need someone to push the fucking buttons on that cash register to process a bloody return!!!
After a full 50 minutes of waiting, it was finally my turn with Ben.
Oh lucky me!! My patience and general niceness had worn off about 45 minutes prior.
“How can I help you?” Ben asked
“I need to return this laptop connect card” I said
“Is there something wrong with it?” he inquired.
“No. There is however something wrong with the data plans offered with these cards. The 5 whatevers a month is not enough” I said.
“What are you using it for?!” Ben asked “I cant imagine this isn’t enough for someone like you!”

*Saying things such as “someone like you” is quite rude and counts as provoking me*
“Porn.” I replied “Lots and lots of porn”
“You didn’t review your plan options when you purchased this card?” he asked awfully snotty for a dude
“Well of course I did, why else would I be here?” I replied.
“No you see the day I purchased this card I had waited in line for 30 minutes and was running late to a dental appointment so no I did not have time to discuss the ass raping overages I was going to incur. I have an unlimited data plan on my phone, my mistake for thinking that an unlimited data plan on a LAPTOP would be in order.” I replied
*Using the term “ass raping” in public generally speeds things up quite nicely

“Eventually we will have an unlimited data plan” he said rather shocked.
“Eventually can suck my ass sir. Do you need my credit card to gimme my money back?” I snapped
“Yes please” Ben said. “Sign here please”
“Anything else?” I asked
“No maam.” He replied with a look that said get the fuck out of my store you crazy bitch
“Have a nice day sunshine” I replied with a look that said GLADLY
Moral of the story: Get an express lane
My ticket to hell October 21, 2009
Posted by notyouraveragesinglemomma in Im going to hell, Journey to find myself....., Lessons to Lucci, Life, rockstar momma posse.Tags: brothers, catholic, church, farts, grandparents, Im going to hell, random, unacceptable
2 comments
Let me start by saying this whole mess could have been avoided if someone would have put a cork in it.
So I’m usually the one at family functions that says something obnoxious causing some of my aunts to gasp and grab their rosaries praying for my soul.
My brother is one funny fuck.
When my brother and I are together at family functions…well then you’ve got obnoxiously funny shit going on.
Ya know how you’re mom told you “there’s a time and place to be funny”?
She may have been right.
My entire family was gathered together when granny franny was laid to rest. My entire, huge, catholic family…including my funny brother and obnoxious self…in a catholic church.

This really couldn’t get any more inappropriate
I’m heading down the stairs to join my family for coffee, cake and that pink jello salad we have at EVERY family gathering…like the fucking salad is stalking us. It’s always there. I’m following my brother down the stairs talking to him like a normal person (alrite fine. We were bitching about the damn jello salad. So what!) Halfway down the stairs my brother rips ass. The jerk farted right at me pretty much and then turned back to look and me and laugh….except his “haha I farted at you” face turned to “uh oh you’re going to hell” face in a big hurry.
You see, farting at me is provoking me, thus causing me to instinctivly kick your ass. Or in this instance, in a church where violence is frowned upon, I go for a simple slap and I swear it was instinct that made me call him a bastard. Turns out, using the word bastard in church is frowned upon. I can assure you of this because Father was so not smiling when I turned around to see him behind me just in time to see me swat my brother and call him a bastard.

Note to self: just stfu in church.always.
Im proud to…. October 20, 2009
Posted by notyouraveragesinglemomma in Journey to find myself....., Lessons to Lucci, Life, Randomness, Scars & Souveiners, daydream, depression.Tags: ATTITUDE, dad, daughter, depression, fathers, influences, Life, love, mother, random, self esteem, stress
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“I’m proud to call you my son”
were the words engraved on the grooms pocket watch…a gift from his father.
Gorgeous, shiney, gold pocket watch the groom wore with pride.

As he rightfully should, that’s quite a compliment, especially coming from his father….our father.
Why did that phrase engraved on that watch bother me so much?
Any father would be proud of my brother.
Am I mad that he’s proud of my brother? Is this jealousy?! Omg! I’m a fucking child! Grow up…you’re 30 years old…
I am 30 years old. So why do I still rack my brain trying to remember one time that man said he was proud of me?
Well shit now I’m racking my brain trying to find a proud moment! Fuck. What the hell?!
Fine alright yes. I was an evil teen but come on!! I’ve come along way…I thought…now I’m not so sure.

When he looks at my brother I can see the pride, when he looks at and dances with his youngest daughter I can see the love. When he looks at me…i dont know what I see…for all I know I’m misinterputting the man….but I know what I feel when he looks at me…disappointment.
He doesn’t look at me the way he looks at them. It frustrates me.

I drove home that night and cried..for what?! Gawd I hate crying..what the fuck was I crying for?
Was it the emotions of my brothers wedding? Did I forget to take a happy pill?!
Over and over in my mind all I could hear is “why doesn’t he like me? Is he ashamed of me? Disappointed in my choices? What is it??!?”
I racked my mind…those questions over and over again. Trying to find answers…answers that are irrelevant really.
Even if I did disappoint him with my choices…am I still?! Does he even know who I am or does he look at me and see nothing more that what once was?
Sometimes being a single mom blows October 18, 2009
Posted by notyouraveragesinglemomma in Journey to find myself....., Lessons to Lucci, Life, Life as mommy, rockstar momma posse.Tags: baby daddy, dad, dads, daughter, depression, fathers, friends, hurt, influences, Life, love, meth, mother, motherhood, random, rockstar mommas, single, single momma poor, single parenting, stress, unacceptable
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It would be a complete and total horse shit lie if I were to tell you that being a single momma rocks all the time.
Sure I don’t have to share my child with anyone, I parent my own way without any interference, I know that every holiday she will be with me and at the end of everyday she kisses me goodnight.
Yes being a mom rocks….always.
But sometimes being a single mom blows goats.
You’re always going to attend family night at her school alone…other parents are always gonna look at you and wonder where “the dad” is. You’re going to be the one she’s pissed off at after getting shots at her annual checkup.
When you’re a single mom you can often find yourself asking “well now wtf am I supposed to do?!”

for example…say you’re a single momma to a beatiful little baby..an infant who refuses to nap.ever. and you really need to shower before your next shift at the hospital because you’re starting to stink…sooooo wtf do I do with this kid while I shower? Hope she’s alright while I take the worlds fastest shower? Bathe with baby wipes? Ahhhh how do ppl do this?!?
Well, ppl like me strap the infant in her car seat or her bouncy chair and pull her in the bathroom with me where I can see her if she trys anything amazing…or if my “husband” comes to steal her. But then after a short time, she out grows the bouncy chair and hates her car seat. Now what? She’s mobile now! Crawling all over rhe place, opening every cupboard and drawer she finds.
Fuck. I’m never going to shower ever again.
I’m going to seriously stank… Or….i’ll shower at snack time. Strap her in the high chair, pull the high chair in the bathroom with me and crack open a jar of her favorite snacks…green beans and those nasty little gerber beef sticks. (those this are mcfuckinraunch btw. The PIT loved em but everytime I popped a jar open the dogs literally went bonkers. At one point I thought the lil 5 pound beast I called sir Winston duke, my pomapoo puppy, was going to break down the bathroom door to get to the gawdamn high chair in hopes the PIT would notice him..as she always did…and toss him a chunk or two of those disgusting beef sticks.)
I’m may never get to shower alone again but at least I can shower! (appreciate showers..they shouldn’t be taken for granted)
Being a single parents of a sick PIT blows too.
When she’s sick and we’re out of motrin I have to drag her sick little butt to the store with me. That sucks for both of us…she just wants to rest but I can’t be in two places at once…she’s always gonna be drug along for the ride..even when she feels like ass. Of course theres always the possibility that shes going to blow chunks before you even get out of your garage which makes getting to the store extra interesting. Not to mention that kids are incredibly extra whiney when they’re sick.
Single parents have no where to run.

That sick whiney kid coughing all over the place with a snotty nose is going to be stuck to your ass like a clingy little monster until she feels better.
(Yay…..fuck…mommas tired and you’re whiney voice is making me crazy. Like nails on a blackboard girlie…shhhhhhhhhhhh!)
When you’re sick and your kid isn’t it’s equally frustrating. The kid is not gonna leave you alone.ever.
They need you…even when you’re sick..you’re all they’ve got.
You are their HERO
There are ups and downs in every aspect of life…single parenting is not above the roller coaster ride that is life.
Physical, mental or emotionally abused. 



















