July 29, 2010

Conversations I cannot explain

Last night I had an appointment with Kate the Hair Great to get my red Ozzified and my blonde Stefanizied. Generally we set aside a good chunk of a Saturday afternoon to get the job done but not this time. I had an appointment for 730, plenty of time for me to get home, play with the PIT for like 5 minutes, tell Taytay I hate her face and love her guts, pet@thebastardcat one time and then venture out into rush hour traffic…which I more than fucking hate. Why the fuck is it called rush hour is the only person in a hurry is ME?! Assholes.  Auntie Taytay was left in charge of the PIT but only after she swore to fucking God she wouldn’t teach her any bad tricks (again). Taking the PIT with on hair day would be pointless. I’d have no hair left to color the shit out of because I would pull it all out by the time we even got the red washed.  Due to a finger injury (which is kind of a bitch when your a hairdresser) Kate the Hair Great was running behind. I didn’t really care, I had brought my new read with to keep my busy.  Somewhere between ice cold rinses I got a text from Taytay….and it started out normal enough but somewhere, as always, our conversation went downhill head fucking first in a big hurry

Tay: How’s it goin’ fro machine?

Me: Huge.

*I have incredibly huge uncooperative hair*

Ok it might not be *that* bad but whatever

Tay: lol..still hairing?

Me: It’s gonna be late…fuckin huge hair She was half hour behind and has a broken finger for fucks sake

*It really slows a girl down wearing a big ass finger splint. I kept calling her my ‘special needs’ hairdresser which I know is rude but calm the fuck down. Kate has a great sense of humor so it was nothing but funny to us. Plus, by this time it’s 10:30 and there is nobody in her salon but us. THAT is how much she loves me.

Tay: ok..just let me know. Call if I don’t respond quick incase we zonk!

Me: I will…sorry tay:(

*I hate feeling like a burden

Tay: Jesus Christ…lol Oh gawd really? Like I care! I was just seeing what’s up. Lucci ran to lars for cantaloupe ..lol she just at a shitload of Chinese, which we have leftovers of for you! No worries at all babes!

*Clearly Tay has no tolerance for my crazy talk

Me: Ok good! Jesus lil piglet! Kid needs to slow down

*She really doesn’t…she’s a whopping 60 pounds. Runt

Tay: lol..she’s bored. Chinese and Selena..fuckin what a combo!

Me: Ethnic diversity! Great work auntie

Tay: (clearly a text or two behind at this point)

And don’t ever apologize to me. Especially if you don’t have a llama with a bow around its neck to go with it!

Me: Hey now, I don’t remember bows being involved

Tay: (still behind but she’s trying) You know it…Selenas!!!

Me: Fine. I’ll take this bowless llama back to the farm.

The llama that Tay wouldn't love (btw-he died of a broken heart) Nice tay.

Tay: Things change cc. Get over it. Lmfao..me and rocky are loungin on mammary glands. New couch name.

Me: I wanna play!

(I totally thought she said new couch GAME…)

Tay: NOOOOOOO!! I will hit an old man in public.

(She’s still whining about the gawdamn llama)

Me: So will I. The hippies getting it first man Suckers goin down. Down to china town

Me: Kitty sing tu?!

(Kitty sing tu is basically nonsense that is fun to say and even more fun to throw into a conversation)

Tay: Too bad. Thank fuckin frigidater and verny for those nappy roots!

(Explaining why I can’t play the couch ‘game’…she thinks she said game too)

Tay: sing tu!!!

ME: Bastards. I think they stole me. Bet they’re sorry now

(It’s the only logical explanation for me fluffy fro)

Me: Also-I’m making a blog post out of this conversation

Tay: Totally gonna knock those dentures right out!

Me: Lol. You should.

(I’m not sure what the hell I was referring to…I am SO lost at this point)

Tay: Hippie’s bringing the wee one now. Selena’s e los dinos! Fucking spainards.

Tay: Your dad tucked you in his ball fro.

And that is where it ended because really, what the fuck do you say to THAT?!

She's crazy but I love her

PS-I got home at 1230 afuckingm

I am SO tired

But my hair fucking rocks~

So do my friends…

Posted in and then theres this kinda shit | 2 Comments »

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July 27, 2010

Several Tuesdays later….#TMI Tuesday resurfaces

How the fuck did I manage to get so slack on my #TMI Tuesdays?!

Oh yeah….I very rarely ever to never follow through with shit

(part of my charm folks)

Moving right along, let’s get this #TMI train a fuckin movin ey?

*Todays post is brought to you by internet that I am stealing off an unsecure connection. The cable company was NOT kidding when they said they were shutting it off. Terrorists.

*This week I actually admitted, asked AND accepted help.  Turns out that is far more productive than just getting pissed and going back to bed.

*Yesterday I left the pool because of an out of control, shit talking, toddler size spawn of Satan. I have never wanted to smack a child that wasn’t mine until yesterday. Usually I’m all for you parent yours and Ill parent mine but for fucks sake if yours is screaming bloody fucking murder and calling you (the adult that should be in charge) a stupid head then take the little brat home.  I sure as shit don’t want to listen to that crap and I can’t imagine the other people at the pool (many of whom don’t even have children…they just wanted to RELAX by the pool) want to hear it either. And do not gimme that “I have great patience” bull shit because that is not patience.  That my dear disturbed woman is how our jails get over crowded.

*When I get my llama (that TayTay can’t have) I’m going to name him Wilbur.

*I’m a bridesmaid in my sister’s wedding and I refuse to buy shoes. I really don’t see the point….like my shoes stay on when I drink anyway.

*The hem of my dress pants is out so my pants are currently taped with packing tape (couldnt locate the duct tape)

*When someone calls my office to book an appointment and I say “Our first available is September 9th” and they reply with “Is there anything sooner?” I have a hell of a time NOT screaming “DID I FUCKING STUTTER?! I said our FIRST available.” into the phone.

*I am seriously craving some new ink

*It’s true some people really can be outsmarted by a cardboard box. I’ve seen it happen.

Posted in and then theres this kinda shit | 7 Comments »

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July 26, 2010

Monday’s Minute (virgin post)

It’s apparently Monday (or so I’ve been told)

Which means it’s time for the Monday Minute

(something totally fun that is all Mommylovesstilletos fault…and partly The Daily Dose’s fault)

VIRGIN MONDAY MINUTE POST HERE
Monday Minute

1. Who is your “what-if” person?

My what? Oh you mean like “What if I had stayed married? Would I be dead?”  (the answer to that is: yes, Id be totally dead)

2. What is your nickname?

CC, Crissy or Mama

3. If you could choose how you died, how would you like to die?

Shot down in a blaze of glory (why yes, I am listening to Bon Jovi)

4. If you could have named yourself, which name would you have picked?

I always wanted to be ‘Brooke’…..lmfao I am So not a Brooke

5. Who were you named after or for what reason did your parents choose your name?

I was named after a KISS song (basically, I was born to rock & roll bitches)

Wanna join us? Answer the Monday Minute questions, grab a badge (over at The Daily Dose) and link up


Posted in Mondays Minute | 9 Comments »

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July 25, 2010

Kiddies and kitties

I’m not sure exactly what this move is but I am certain it’s a Lucci original

She will never, ever miss an opportunity to strike a pose (I believe this one is a squirrel pose)

She is an excellent little diver

While the PIT and I have been at the pool almost every damn day, the bastardcat has been getting rather fat.  He’s growing into quite the beast.

Don’t worry….it’s not his own tail that he’s devouring. It’s his favorite toy…a racoon tail.

And then he turns his attention to the camera. And gets way to fucking close and then proceeded to squeeze kitty snot all over the camera. Asshole.

He’s lucky he’s cute or I swear I’d boot his furry butt across the room

Posted in BastardCat, Being a mom rocks even when being a single mom blows, PIT=Princess or Punk in training-depends on her mood | 3 Comments »

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July 23, 2010

Fawk You Friday

BWS tips button

Generally Fridays posts are all about who you should be following on twatter

Not this Friday.

This Friday is all about the Fawk You’s

(You can thank CB and her whore friend Boobies, babies and a blog for this)

Fawk you stupid twit with absolutely no problem solving skills. Your stupidity annoys the fuck out of me.

Fawk you lil miss “oh, oops”.  That is NOT an adequate answer to anything

Fawk you bill collectors. Seriously, you’re trying to get blood from a rock.

Fawk you car insurance that went up…afuckinggain

Fawk you to the classless hoser that walked into a delivery room with another womans baby daddy.

Fawk you to the asshat who can’t seem to comply with the guidelines set out by the courts in the divorce proceeding. (Your pissing your hott ex wife the fuck off and I hope she punches you in the face….or you get crabs.)

Fawk you to the heartless wenches on the street harassing couples on one of the most horrible days of their lives

Fawk you to the doucher that *thinks* he’s tricky. (He’s not)

Fawk you to the random attack of “I miss my daddy” blues that hit the PIT this week

Fawk you twatwaffle who keeps posting pics of Mr Meth on facebook. It’s super classy to post pics of you and someone elses hubby…..someday I’ll tell you all how ‘that’ night ended (sad but I still remember it like it was last week)

And finally,

Fawk you to the dude that tosses around the ‘L’ word ever so loosely (that’s called mind-fucking and chicks generally do not digg that)

You know the drill bitches. Link up

One Crazy Brunette Chick

Posted in #FF, Yes, I am the bitch you love to hate, fawk you fridays | 6 Comments »

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July 23, 2010

It just doesn’t seem right

“I just want so badly to be able to make it on my own, ya know?”

“I understand that…..but, what if we aren’t supposed to do it on our own?”

Wait, what?

Not supposed to?!

That’s never occurred to me.

I mean sure, I love nothing more than being the one who helps someone out (when I can) when they need it most

BUT, I just can’t fathom why anyone would want to get involved with me and all of my ‘issues’.

What issues? Well, lets review shall we….

*I’m always broke. And when I say broke, I mean b-r-o-k-e, not like some people who whine that they’re soooo broke but then go shopping of their lunch breaks.

*My ex is a drug addicted gang banger who may or may not be back to *try* and kill me, again.

*I’m fucking moody…a.lot. Most days I annoy myself, how the fuck can anyone else tolerate me!?  I’m no little miss sunshine that’s for sure.

*I have SERIOUS decision making issues….basically, I don’t make them, I just replay the options, what ifs and what now’s over and over and over again.

*I have a child…that I’ve been raising entirely on my own since day one….it’s hard to share.

THESE issues are my issues…I’ve accumulated over the years….I’ve carried over the years……

The thought of burdening someone else..to disrupt their ‘not-as-fucked-up-from-the-start’ kinda life….hurts…

Why should someone else suffer for my issues? It just doesn’t seem right.


Posted in Dating...or not...we shall see, and then theres this kinda shit | 6 Comments »

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July 22, 2010

“How far to heaven? Just open your eyes and look. You are in Heaven” -Shankar

Mama's Losin' It

This week’s assignment from Mama Kat as part of her Writer’s Workshop were fun ones but the choice was easy for me.

1.) Write about your wedding song. What was it and why did you choose it? (bwahahaha wedding song…right)

2.) A movie you probably should have previewed before letting your kids watch. (I should have previewed all of them!)

3.) We talk about mother’s guilt a lot…who needs it? Describe a good mom moment! (That I can do…and I will do, later)

4.) Post a picture and a description that fits into this quote for you: “How far to heaven? Just open your eyes and look. You are in heaven” -Shankar

5.)Earthquake! Where were you when it happened? (We’re still waiting our turn for earthquakes here in MN. So far nothin but twisters)

“How far to heaven? Just open your eyes and look. You are in heaven” -Shankar

Clearly my choice was #4. But why this picture? What does a picture of my kids feet in the grass have to do with Heaven?

THIS kid IS my heaven.

The grass is fresh and green….I can almost hear her infectious giggle as the grass tickles her bare feet…..

She’s happy…..she’s playing, enjoying herself….laughing…just being a kid

She’s healthy enough to be playing outside, rolling around in the grass getting dirt in her gorgeous brown hair……

She is a constant reminder of what love is…..she’s a fierce little monster who has truly inspired me…and honestly, saved me from myself…

A healthy, happy and active (even when it’s way to fucking much active) child is every parents prayer answered….

So this picture…at least in my world…reads heaven

Posted in Being a mom rocks even when being a single mom blows, Writers workshop | 5 Comments »

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July 20, 2010

I’d like you to meet a very special little fighter~Gracelyn

Blogger and #MomStar, Mandi Welbaum, from Mandi Minding Money has been hard at work campaigning for a very small, very beautiful little baby.

Gracelyn Michelle, who was born on May 31st, 2010, was diagnosed with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome on June 14th, 2010. HLHS is condition in which the whole left side of the heart is severely underdeveloped. Gracelyn’s family has already gone through two surgeries, and as of July 20th, 2010 is being scheduled for the very serious open-heart surgery. This surgery will require the surgeons to cut through her chest bone to gain access, where they will then place bands around the right and left pulmonary arteries to control blood flow, thereby balancing circulation.

After the first two surgeries were completed in June, Gracelyn was sent home to start gaining weight. On July 6th, at a routine weekly check-up, Gracelyn’s parents learned that little Gracie bug had lost instead of gained weight. Weight gain is necessary for her recovery, and to schedule the upcoming surgeries that are required. On July 14th, Gracelyn had finally gained, but not enough. Doctors have talked with her parents and they will be returning to the hospital on July 21st to be admitted, and to prepare for the open-heart surgery to happen within just days.

Mandi Welbaum has organized a fun and interactive fundraiser on her blog, Mandi Minding Money. She is collecting donations, and if she can reach $500 by October 1st, 2010, she will be DYEING HER HAIR!

That’s right! She even has a vote going on to let visitors decide the color of choice. You can choose from purple, pink, green, or blue. When the money is raised, Mandi will be providing video and pictures of her new color, and presenting the money to Gracelyn’s family to use towards her care and mounting medical bills.

I hope that you will visit Mandi’s blog to read the updates about Gracelyn, and I hope that you will donate. Even if you can only chip in a dollar, every dollar will help! Make sure to stop by Mandi’s blog to vote, donate and keep up on Gracelyn’s progress

So let’s get to $500 and get Mandi to dye her hair! Don’t forget to vote!

Posted in Mission: Rock the Cause, MomStarMissions | 9 Comments »

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July 20, 2010

Parenting solo is an exhausting task regardless if you do it for 2 days, 2 years or forever

Blah blah fucking blah

They (the lovelies over at Singlemommyhood) asked,

“Do ‘sometimes’ single moms offend you?”

and I thought “what the fuck is a ‘sometimes’ single mom?!”

(thought I better read up on the lingo…remember what happened when I *thought* I was a choice mom?)

Basically, a ‘sometimes’ single mom is a mom who is parenting solo while the significant other is away…like serving over seas.

Parenting solo is an exhausting task regardless if you do it for 2 days, 2 years or forever….

Some of us just know it’s going to be more than a few weeks on our own

Some of us know that nobody is coming to the rescue anytime soon


Some of us are better at being ok with that than others

Some of us are just better at pretending we’re ok with that

Bottom line is this-being a mom rocks even when being a single mom blows mountain goats

Am I offended by the ‘sometimes’ single moms?

Not at all.

I find it amusing as I think to myself “She wouldn’t survive 12 hours in my life..Im a fucking MomStar”


I say that just as often to all single moms…very few single moms are legally a single mom like I am.

I listen to women bitch, piss and moan about only getting $600/month in child support, about not having a life because they have the kid every other weekend and pout around hating the world because the ex has moved on….

and then I remind them that $600/month is better than $0/forever x’s forever and ever amen…..

and that some moms probably would give their left tit for just one weekend away.

and that whiners are weeeeeners so basically, shut the fuck up.

I wonder how these women would manage if shit *really* hit the fan and they had real problems.


But this, I find offensive…this is what I just don’t get….

Why the fuck are married moms playing the part of single moms?

Am I the only one aware of the whole ‘participation is REQUIRED in parenting’?!

I mean, what the fuck?

I don’t get why there are so many exhausted mothers out there who are the only one getting up to make their baby a bottle at 3am….changing diapers…putting naughty toddlers in time out etc…

Why do so many moms feel the need to ask permission to go out or ask their significant other to baby sit their own children?!

If you’re not alone then why the hell are you doing it alone?!

Is this why I’m single?

Not entirely.

Posted in Being a mom rocks even when being a single mom blows, I rarely ever to never have anything nice to say...like right now, MomStars, and then theres this kinda shit | 17 Comments »

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July 16, 2010

Fuck you Friday #FF

Fuck you Friday.

Seriously.

Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.

One Crazy Brunette Chick

If this week had a face, I would rip it the fuck off. And then spit on it.

I did however manage to find some newbies on twatter that don’t annoy the fuck out of me

@DaddyFiles (Starting fucked up Friday Follow with a DUDE?! Shocking I know but shut up and watch him defend his wife at an abortion clinic. #assslap)

@NevieGirl83 (omfuckinghilarious…also surrounded by fucking idiots)

@Shayswrld (she screams “suck my ass” at random strangers which is a trait I admire)

@Queenie249 (bother her when she’s behind the bar and she will fucking cut you)

@WeArentPerfect (she’s mean and I like it)

@PeasandBananas (ok fine technically not a newbie but it’s my blog and I will do what I want to…plus-there is a book tour involved.)

Plus follow the badasses from last week and meet CB (fuckin love that bitch)

Posted in #FF | 2 Comments »

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