Not only a great line from Shinedown’s hit “Save me” , but it is also a question that I have asked myself a million times a day. The ladies of lookingglasslane.com have inspired me to take a good look at myself and my life, which in turn has inspired me to finally answer this question. It’s probably going to be a bumpy, cuss word filled ride..just warning you. It’s going to be ugly and maybe even a little painful. However, it’s time to take a good look at me and my life…how did I get here?
The hardest part is trying to decide where to start. I’m going to start with what haunts me the most. My apparent biggest fear. Love and the lack there of…..
I wasn’t always a bitter woman. I’ve always been lil miss attitude without question…but not bitter. I haven’t always hated love. The sight of a clearly “in love” couple didn’t always make me want to scratch my own eyes out and the words “I love you honey” didn’t always make me want to vomit. No, that gut wrenching sensation triggered by the threat of a relationship came after 3 of my biggest mistakes. 2 of them I loved and 1 of them I lothed. Each one of them destroyed me in their own way….each one destroyed me because I LET them. I’m ashamed of myself for letting that happen. So ashamed that I’ve convinced myself that I should never ever date ever again.
Wondering what the hell could have happened to this chick to make her so angry, bitter and ashamed?!
Meth, alcohol and a married man that’s what.
Stay tuned…it’s a hell of a trilogy!
Single Parent Bloggers Rock;>
first might i say THANK YOU FOR SHARING YOU!@!! so honestly. will touch many i know.
second, stop should-ing on yourself!!@ (go direct to MMM for video on this nasty should-ing thing we women tend to do…)
there. i’ve just slapped you…(like only a girl friend who luvs ya would). you are beautiful and perfect today. just how you are. nothing need change for this to be so other than for you to agree with me. let me see your head going up and down…yes…like that.
luv ya doll.
Ouch:) Thank you! I needed a good slapping! You’re right, the only thing that needs to change is for me to BELIEVE that Im ok…to forgive myself I guess…hopefully once I get this story out and in the open Ill finally be able to just let it go…Ive so afraid for so long, Ive told my bestie that I dont need to let go of shit “whats left when the angers gone” I would say….nothing but the pain….or so I once believed. I am now starting to doubt that theres nothing there but the pain….Im going to let go and Im going to forgive myself for being a dumbass…maybe Ill even stop referring to myself as a dumbass! Anything is possible now that Ive found Looking Glass Lane:)
Thank you so much for your support, encouragment and wise words…it is all so greatly appreciated!!
XOXO
You speak with utter conviction and your abrasive yet brutally honest words will not just be a cathartic release but a moment for the fabulous lady that you are, to be able to embrace the wonderful things that you so well deserve. Love, Peace, and Grace. Your a soldier and you lead with ferocious determination. Keep marching forward and don’t look back. Stay focused and remember that you have all the love in the world to let in… it’s only if you let it happen! You deserve every bit. Love isn’t tangible it’s permeable. Therefore girl, you package every last bit and stuff it deep deep down in your heart for when you have those days that you need a little extra love. I love you, and the world loves you! We are all love. Release and breathe and Never ever let your darkest hour define your future! it’s molded you and it’s taught you lessons but now it’s time for you to teach the world ‘YOUR’ lessons. And only you my love can do so!! Your amazing, beautiful and strong! Those are three great weapons to fend off the dark and climb towards the sun and the stars! We’re all in your corner! Your friends, family and most importantly your beautiful daughter!! I am proud of you and humbled to have you in my life! Keep it up soldier!!
Lisa, my love….you brought tears to my eyes….you are so kind and i am so grateful to have you in my life! You’ve always had big dreams and goals….fearless….its infectious! I love the way you push me to write…LOVE it! You my darling…i love you…i just effing love you!
XOXOXO
I mirror in your image sometimes and feel what you are putting out. But I too think you are amazing from what I have read. We are all just trying to get by the best we know how. Keep doing what you do and it will pay off in the long run. At least keep making me laugh.
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Love the honesty and the stripped down approach you take with your writing. I’m off to get caught up! Can’t wait! :)
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Holy crap you keep getting more and more interesting. First a crazy addicted ex hubby now a married man girl you have had one wild ride..lol cant wait to hear more.