Mommas…when you were prego did you ever find yourself saying “someone coulda fuckin told me!?!” I know I sure did and I will not let my newest recruit “Due in December” go thru her pregnancy thinking that she is the only hormonal nutjob. That being said…I give you…a list :) I love lists!
It’s a growing list so please…leave a comment or drop me an email and together…we will make a list that will reassure every pregnant woman that she is not a nutjob….shes a mother!
*The “Shoulda told Me” List*
*gone are the days of sneezing without having to squeeze your legs together to prevent pissing yourself. From now on when you feel a sneeze comin on..brace yourself!
*do not under any circumstances watch Steal magnolias while you are pregnant…no need to provoke your homones
*being pregnant is not a reason to get married. Seriously ladies…you’ve already been screwed (literally)…don’t make any life changing desicions during your pregnancy. Wait until your body balances out and you get most of your mind back. So ya got knockered…pffft. So did I. I also got married, gave birth, got divorced and relocated within 22 months and several thousands of dollars worth of debt that still effing haunts me. Just sayin…I don’t recommend it:)
*the first few days after you have the baby are the most hormonally psychotic days of your life. It will pass:)
*your boobs will never be what or where they once were. Not even if you wear your bra thru your entire pregancy like a jackass trying to prevent the inevitable…my once barely there boobs turned into excellent momma boobs which then faded/deflated into what they are now…kinda like if you were to throw 2 eggs at the wall and they were slowly sliding downward..
*you will lose all memory of simple things. Totally the kids fault. When I returned to work at the hospital after a 6 month leave due to a crap pregnancy…I couldn’t for the life of me remember the phone number to the Switchboard OPERATOR…dial 0…duh! I was also unable to remember my code to get in the supply room. My code was the last four of my social…the same social I have had my entire life and could remember right up until I gave birth. I think part of our memory falls out with the placenta.
*your stomach skin will look like bread dough for about 6-12 months but will get better
*knowledge is power but too much “this is how it should be” kinda info when you’re prego will make you crazy.
*too much soap net watching while pregnant leads to over dramatic lil divas (ie..the PIT)
*if you don’t have hemerroids yet…enjoy. Those lil bitches hurt worse than birthing a child outcher va jj
*the days of you not being exhausted are indeed over. However motherhood rocks and you don’t wanna miss a moment so you’re mommy super powers will kick in and you will adjust and wonder how the hell you ever slept past noon!
*take care of yourself and you’ll take care of baby. Stop worrying.
*you will never stop worrying:) you will perfect it!
*if country songs didnt make you cry before they will now. Shit..save the whale commercials are gonna make you son now. It’s normal. Just change the station:)
*take pictures of your pregnant belly. You never have to let anyone see them ever…just take some.
*when you wake up from your nap and find your pillow and shirt wet don’t be alarmed…you’re lactating:) fun I know…your boobs will be leaky faucets for a while. Put pads in your bra to avoid leaking for no reason while talking to the cashier at walmart.
*I did not breastfeed. Yeah yeah shame on me. pfffft. I was sick of leaky boobs and they friggin hurt (huge but hurt) and a nurse told me to put cabbage leaves in my bra. Why? No clue I never doubt an old school nurse. I put cabbage leaves in my bra when u got home from the hospital and I was done with leaky boobs in 24 hours. Magic!
*SHOULDA EFFIN TOLD ME that your baby portal SWELLS for like 3 days after you have the baby….I sat on a baby diaper filled with ice provided by the nurses. No one told me that previously and I was totally freaked out cause I didn’t even tear and it still happened. ALSO ibuprofen/motrin is God’s gift to new momma’s every 8 hours I think it was and I didn’t feel a thing. The second I let those wear off – OMFG BRING ME THE MORTIN! (via @MotherSingle)
*Watching “A Baby Story” or “Bringing Home Baby” on TLC and BAWLING your eyes out everytime is perfectly normal! (via Danielle)
*How about that Mucus plug crap. My doc said “yep, that is what that jello looking thing that slid out of me was, unless I was acustome to putting jello up there of course”.
Or get used to having hairy body parts the bigger you get. You wont mind much though since you wont be able to see them.
The back aches and peeing every 5 secounds.
Ugg, I could go on forever. Good thing they make babies so damn cute (via Danielle and OMG soooo true! Ha I cant believe I forgot about the plug!!)
via @lucidinsanity “Someone shoulda told me it’s normal to be sweet as pie one second and ready to murder someone slowly with a bic pen the next. Pregnancy hormones SUCK. Swinging between rage and elation on a daily basis is to be expected” <—its so true :)
Via Danielle “Every child does grow/develop/learn at their own pace. Don’t let people scare you when their kid started walking months ago and yours isnt even trying yet. Just when you start to think something (crawling, eating well, talking) will NEVER happen with your baby, they will do it! Don’t push things, let it happen when it happens” <<<LOVE this one!!
And Ashley adds “The biggest thing that stands out to me that you guys haven’t yet covered is the fact that it takes your body 9 months to get ready to have the baby, and another 9 months to recover from having the baby. Sometimes longer. I think I was almost a year after I had the baby before my hormones really felt like they leveled out and I was back to as close to normal as I could be.” <<—Thanks Ashley!
And then theres Gina….an absolute RockStar momma who also loves to tell it like it is… OHHH, do I have several to add…
1. SHOULDA EFFIN TOLD ME that the term “morning sickness” is relative. That would mean that you would solely be sick in the morning, right? MY ASS. Morning sickness is a general term that covers morning, noon, early afternoon, late afternoon, evening, late evening, and after midnight (repeat cycle for following day). They say it generally disappears after the 4th month as your hormones level too. GOOD JOKE!
2. SHOULDA EFFIN TOLD ME that as your stomach grows faster, so does your ability to grow hair, and that the hair growth is not limited to your head. One day I looked down to notice that I looked like Harry from “Harry and the Henderson’s” on my effin stomach! It became a weekly event to trim my stomach with my husbands beard trimmer.
3. For those of us with a fetish for keeping “down yonder” neatly trimmed and shaved: SHOULDA EFFIN TOLD ME that after about the 7th month it becomes nearly impossible to see your crotch. You’ll try to do it by feel only to look in the mirror afterwards to find that the area looks something out of “Texas Chainsaw Massacre.” Eventually you break down and ask the hubby to help. HUMILIATING!
4. SHOULDA EFFIN TOLD ME not to wear your cute-sy Victoria’s Secret underwear while you are pregnant unless you want to throw them out because of stains that stem from the waterfall that comes out of your va jj during pregnancy. Granted, women leak, but holy crap! What’s with the Niagra Falls down there?
5. Last, but not least, SHOULDA EFFIN TOLD ME that in the end, regardless of destroying your body, extreme hormone rages, your boobs going south, your va jj never being the same, etc, that it is all worth it. You’re left with a little piece of immortality and something that teaches you true, unconditional love. Motherhood is a gift…at least until they turn 2!
Hope you all enjoyed!”<<<<I for one totally fucking enjoyed that LMFAO
Thanks for all the input! This is by far my favorite post ;)
Single Parent Bloggers Rock;>
SHOULDA EFFIN TOLD ME that your baby portal SWELLS for like 3 days after you have the baby….I sat on a baby diaper filled with ice provided by the nurses. No one told me that previously and I was totally freaked out cause I didn’t even tear and it still happened. ALSO ibuprofen/motrin is God’s gift to new momma’s every 8 hours I think it was and I didn’t feel a thing. The second I let those wear off – OMFG BRING ME THE MORTIN!
BTW you are awesome for posting this.
Watching “A Baby Story” or “Bringing Home Baby” on TLC and BAWLING your eyes out everytime is perfectly normal!
You mothers ROCK~ Thanks for the quick responses! I heart you both:)
sure sounds like fun…morphine and alllllll
How about that Mucus plug crap. My doc said “yep, that is what that jello looking thing that slid out of me was, unless I was acustome to putting jello up there of course”.
Or get used to having hairy body parts the bigger you get. You wont mind much though since you wont be able to see them.
The back aches and peeing every 5 secounds.
Ugg, I could go on forever. Good thing they make babies so damn cute.
Someone shoulda told me it’s normal to be sweet as pie one second and ready to murder someone slowly with a bic pen the next. Pregnancy hormones SUCK. Swinging between rage and elation on a daily basis is to be expected.
Every child does grow/develop/learn at their own pace. Don’t let people scare you when their kid started walking months ago and yours isnt even trying yet. Just when you start to think something (crawling, eating well, talking) will NEVER happen with your baby, they will do it! Don’t push things, let it happen when it happens.
This is my entertainment for the day btw…coming up with these little things. Whether or not people agree is the question!
LMAO Nakia…I am so glad I wasnt the only one ready to murder with a bic pen! Friggin hormones are the WORST!
And Danielle—This is totally my entertainment too and I do agree with you. Kids all grow in their own way and time….that is SO important to remember!
All of you….FRIGGIN ROCK! The comments are awesome and great tips! Keep em coming ladies!! This is too fun! We’re saving mommas one at a time!!
XOXO
The biggest thing that stands out to me that you guys haven’t yet covered is the fact that it takes your body 9 months to get ready to have the baby, and another 9 months to recover from having the baby. Sometimes longer. I think I was almost a year after I had the baby before my hormones really felt like they leveled out and I was back to as close to normal as I could be.
Love all these ideas and tips! Wish I’d read them four years ago!!
Lol Ashley. It’s been 4 years for me and my body STILL hasn’t completely recovered. I’m thinking this is as good as its gonna get.
This is great! It’s been 10 years since I had my last baby… and you are right… your chest will never be the same as it was before babies.
Hang in there… and thanks for sharing these tips for pregnancy. :)
Strange I know, but I found this rather hysterical to read. Always enjoy reading creative (even if true) writing. Thanks for the laugh.
OHHH, do I have several to add…
1. SHOULDA EFFIN TOLD ME that the term “morning sickness” is relative. That would mean that you would solely be sick in the morning, right? MY ASS. Morning sickness is a general term that covers morning, noon, early afternoon, late afternoon, evening, late evening, and after midnight (repeat cycle for following day). They say it generally disappears after the 4th month as your hormones level too. GOOD JOKE!
2. SHOULDA EFFIN TOLD ME that as your stomach grows faster, so does your ability to grow hair, and that the hair growth is not limited to your head. One day I looked down to notice that I looked like Harry from “Harry and the Henderson’s” on my effin stomach! It became a weekly event to trim my stomach with my husbands beard trimmer.
3. For those of us with a fetish for keeping “down yonder” neatly trimmed and shaved: SHOULDA EFFIN TOLD ME that after about the 7th month it becomes nearly impossible to see your crotch. You’ll try to do it by feel only to look in the mirror afterwards to find that the area looks something out of “Texas Chainsaw Massacre.” Eventually you break down and ask the hubby to help. HUMILIATING!
4. SHOULDA EFFIN TOLD ME not to wear your cute-sy Victoria’s Secret underwear while you are pregnant unless you want to throw them out because of stains that stem from the waterfall that comes out of your va jj during pregnancy. Granted, women leak, but holy crap! What’s with the Niagra Falls down there?
5. Last, but not least, SHOULDA EFFIN TOLD ME that in the end, regardless of destroying your body, extreme hormone rages, your boobs going south, your va jj never being the same, etc, that it is all worth it. You’re left with a little piece of immortality and something that teaches you true, unconditional love. Motherhood is a gift…at least until they turn 2!
Hope you all enjoyed!
And THIS is why I love love love my readers!
Holy fuck I certainly enjoyed Gina! You are a rock star momma and I love you! I am updating this post and adding all this wisdom about crotches, hair and wetstuff today! (I better get some work done or my boss will have a lil old man hissy fit and I hate those lol)
XOXO
thank you all so much for your kick ass input! I love ya!!
You’re quite the rock star momma yourself and love you too. Maybe a little blunt, but that’s how I roll! :)
You will loooooove my Purple Twinkies article:
* You may get huge varicose veins in any given place. Sometimes they even extend all the way up your leg and into the chasm of life.
* You can get a blocked lubrication gland in va jay-jayand they may have to drain it.
* You may have such bad nausea that you have to be medicated.
* You can get mastitis while nursing….meaning a painful infection in your boob that causes fever and other lovely side effects.
* You can get a milk yoke from your breastmilk which can extend into your arm pits, giving you a third boob, or around your neck (hence the name “yolk”.)
* You can get hemmorhoids the size of golf balls from pushing.
* You may have to have an episiotimy (your crotch cut and sewn together again.)
* You may poop in front of everyone while pushing.
* You may puke during labor.
* You may get an internal hemmorhage.
* You may have to have a c-section even if your pregnancy was easy and healthy.
* You could end up delivering your baby in a toilet, a car, or in aisle 3 of the local Quick-E-Mart.
* You may have a looooooong labor.
* Your epidural may not work.
* You may get post partum depression.
* You may want to kill you beloved during labor….or the whole year following.
* You may pop several blood vessels giving birth.
* You may not be able to nurse.
* You may feel like a loser.
* You may not feel loving towards your new baby.
* You may get discoloration patches on your skin during pregnancy.
* You may get back hair during pregnancy.
* You may get cellulite.
* You could have terrible heartburn or acid reflux
* You may wake up choking on your own puke during the last weeks of your pregnancy.
* You may become diabetic.
* You may become anemic.
* You will probably become psychotic.
* You will never remember things the way you used to.
* You could get really klutzy.
* You may crave dirt, chemicals and other non-food things.
* Your feet may get bigger.
* You could go through puberty again with bad acne.
* You may have really bad gas.
* Your hair may fall out.
* You may get multiple bladder and yeast infections.
* Your gums may bleed.
* You may get cavities more than usual.
* You may get skin tags or new moles.
* Your skin may end up with horrid strech marks.
* Your stomach will never look the same.
* You may be lactose intolerant.
* Your nipples may crack and bleed.
* Your legs may cramp up for no reason.
* You may sweat profusely.
* Your vision could change.
* You may never feel energetic again.
OMFG…..Now THAT is fucking AWESOME!! Love it!!! You friggin ROCK girly!
XOXO
I am so, so late, but the biggest one that I gave all of my mom friends shit for not telling me about? Checking your cervix is not just a quick check of that area, IT IS GETTING FISTED. And it’s horrible. Worse than any contraction I had.
So effing true!!