Tonight a commercial for the super bowl came on and for some reason that triggered a flood of memories that felt so fresh, so real…..I felt a chill down my spine as the chill of the feelings of that day…the way I felt that day.
Eight years ago to the day. 2-2-02.
Memories both good and bad of joy and sorrow all poured over me like a cold rain.
I felt it.
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2-2-02:
It was the day before the super bowl.
I remember that so well because it was the super bowl where the Patriots played someone and the Patriots were sure to lose so my meth addicted husband placed a bet against the Patriots.
This one…..
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
The American Football Conference (AFC) champion New England Patriots (14–5) win their first Super Bowl by defeating the National Football Conference (NFC) champion St. Louis Rams (16–3), 20–17, as kicker Adam Vinatieri made a game-winning 48-yard field goal as time expired. The Rams had been 14-point favorites to win the game, making the Patriots’ victory one of the biggest upsets in Super Bowl history.
Mhmmmm….and he had bet a shit-ton of money on that game. Which is probably the logic thing to do when you’re out of work and tweeked outta your fucking mind….
The day before that Super Bowl game I had my regularly scheduled weekly fetus check. Still on bedrest….still not working…bored out of my mind and rather depressed I was SO hoping to find out if the fetus was a boy or a girl. I had worked at the hospital during my pregnancy….I had access to nurses and ultra sound machines….and I totally abused that access:) I started trying to find out what sex the fetus was going to be at 13 weeks gestation. Early, yes, Im impatient damnit! 2-2-02 at 33 weeks along the little shit FINALLY cooperated with me and revealed her lil vajj! So many emotions surged through my already hormonal and unstable mind….in all honesty…I had ‘planned’ on the fetus being a boy. Seriously, what the hell do I know about being a girl besides most of the time it pretty much sucks ass?! I suck at being a girl. To this day, I still do not own a dress. Why? What the hell am I going to wear it with? My sneakers? Oh yeah-one pair of shoes. I hate shoes. I was freaking the fuck out. I dont know what to do with a girl?! Holy fuck…now Im really in over my head!
(right, because having recently found out your husbands a meth addict & your in preterm labor isnt quite in over my head)
I left the appointment still a little bit in shock. I honestly didnt think I was going to have a girl. I was totally rooting for a boy.
(Looking back, I blame the hormones.)
I went home and just sat on the couch…the house was quite well except for the pups playing…other than that I was alone.
As I had been for most of the pregnancy.
In some ridiculous attempt to try and provoke my husband into “daddy” mode I called him to tell him that he was having a daughter and I dont know what I expected I guess…..not facing the reality of what your husband has become can seriously cloud ones thinking.
No you know what. Fuck that. I do know what I was expecting. I was expecting a “YAY!!!” or “Lets go buy something PINK” or some sort of joy…some sort of reassurance that this was going to be ok…some sort of connection–I expected him to feel something.
Instead, when I told him the fetus was a girl he simply replied “Oh. Ok. Is there anything else? Im in the middle of a card game.”
Really?!
”Alright well since you asked motherfucker yes there is something else. GO FUCK YOURSELF.” and I hung up the phone so pissed I was shaking…so pissed I threw the phone and scared the bejesus outta the pups who I honestly did not see there. So pissed all I could do was cry. So I did. I cried for hours as the reality set in….that son of a bitch is too far gone. There’s no feeling left…i dont know that man…I dont want him anywhere near me or MY daughter. I cried myself to sleep that night…..
The next day I went out and bought my first pink baby blanket. I felt a little bit better as I put the pink blanket into my “time to birth this baby” bag.
I was having a girl!!
I had no idea what to do with a girl but I also was clueless about raising boys. Im glad the Lord gave me a girl….that girl….MY girl.
The girl who is now snorring on the couch behind me in a pink Vikings jersey (she was the only one upset by their loss btw…) and the kitten Jake Maxwell snuggled up under her arm.
I think he’s comfortable….I hope shes not choking him! It does sorta look like shes got him in a headlock….I better check on that…
Back to that day in 2002….I still hadnt heard from mr meth and with that he fueled the fire which eventually burned any ties between us. He actually called on Super Bowl Sunday to tell me cry to me about the thousands of dollars he had lost on that game to a certain druglord thug that is the kind of thug you’re going to pay back. No “how ya feelin?”, “hows the fetus?” nothing….just Im in trouble….that was just the start of a long line of “Im in trouble” moments and disappointment that I could have done a lifetime without……
PS–Jake Maxwell IS breathing. It wasnt a chokehold afterall
