Sometimes I feel like a different person.
When I’m in that “funk”
mood, it’s as if the part of me that thinks “ok things will be
alright, I got this shit” is pushed so far down it can’t be
reached…sometimes I doubt that part of me is even there.
It’s lost
somewhere among the thoughts that seem to haunt me.
I feel lost,
alone…forgotten.
Thoughts and feelings of inadequacy…fears and
uncertainties weigh heavy on my heart, mind and soul.
The weight can
seem too much for one person to carry…and far too much for one person
whose hands are already full of baby…even if I survive this…then
what? Where is my life going? Is this as good as it gets?
It’s such a
challenge to be positive when you’re certain the world is out to get
you…when you’re certain you’re never going to get a break…you’re
certain you’re alone in this world….someday the only things I’m
sure of is that I’m alone & I’m not happy-I can’t kick this heavy
feeling of disappointment…an overwhelming cloud of gloom & doom
completely engulfs my heart, my mind…suffocating my soul. To the
point where I’m not sure about anything in my life…nothing seems
right…uncomfortable from the constant anxiety….one thing after
another day after day constantly knocking me back down into reality
and severing any shred of ability I had to look on the bright side.
The constant feeling of disappointment and hopelessness is a wretched
feeling. One that I don’t want to burden the world with so there are
days I’m not only certain I’m alone and always will be but I’m also
certain that’s probably a good thing.
This misery doesn’t want
company. I wouldn’t want anyone else to feel what I feel.
Most of all
I worry about the PIT. She’s always around me…I can try my best to
put on a brave face and take on the world with a smile but she knows when
something’s bothering me. She’s intuitive…she picks up on vibes
quickly…I don’t want to pass on this vibe.
I hate to admit this but
it wasn’t that long ago I felt certain the PIT would be better off
without me. Certain I was not the best thing for her….certain I
didn’t deserve her…certain I’d just fuck her up & ruin her for life.
It’s a horrible feeling of inadequacy. Unpleasant feelings and anxious
worry keep me up some nights. How can I possibly teach my child to
love life if I don’t?
I can’t stand the idea that the PIT might
currently feel the way that I felt as a kid or might one day end up
feeling the same funk that I feel…a feeling I’ve become far to
accustom to. The funk that I worry I’ll never beat. The funk that I
worry makes me too much of a hassle to love or even bother with. The
funk I worry might infect my little girl.
I probably sound crazy right now but let’s face it-I am. Normally I
would lock myself in the bathroom to cry and chain smoke…still chain
smoking but I’m not locked in the bathroom…I’m not sure if this is
progress or not considering I generally don’t share these feelings
probably for good reason….
