Category Archives: Dating…or not…we shall see

Words from a friend that I’d like to pass on to you~

Posted on September 17, 2010 | 6 Comments

Several moths ago I felt lost and let down once again.  I reached out to a friend, a friend who is very busy with her own life but yet she still had time to reply, and to this day, months later I still hear her words echo in my mind. In the last few days, I have passed the same words along to my own friends. The words remain true and today I am posting them here….for all read, for all to hear….to echo in the back of your minds….

What I’ve learned since then is that true, lasting, healthy love is never meant to be tumultuous.
If you are feeling like you’ve lost your mind over this boy, you probably have put him on a pedestal in your life he doesn’t belong. What keeps us centered and grounded despite shitty circumstances is our relationship with God. You are meant to feel grounded and centered AND loved but never feel like it’s up to a particular man to give that to you.
I know it’s not the advice your want to hear right now, but I’m sharing with you what I WISH someone would have shared with me.

Breathe. Breathe, again.
You are perfect just as you are. Nothing is broken or needs fixing. Just breathe and trust God loves you and is present with you even if you can’t feel him at all.
He has the Man for you already picked out :)


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Posted in Dating...or not...we shall see, Random thoughts put into words....sorta, so I have a heart and feelings...tell anyone and Ill kill you

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It just doesn’t seem right

Posted on July 23, 2010 | 6 Comments

“I just want so badly to be able to make it on my own, ya know?”

“I understand that…..but, what if we aren’t supposed to do it on our own?”

Wait, what?

Not supposed to?!

That’s never occurred to me.

I mean sure, I love nothing more than being the one who helps someone out (when I can) when they need it most

BUT, I just can’t fathom why anyone would want to get involved with me and all of my ‘issues’.

What issues? Well, lets review shall we….

*I’m always broke. And when I say broke, I mean b-r-o-k-e, not like some people who whine that they’re soooo broke but then go shopping of their lunch breaks.

*My ex is a drug addicted gang banger who may or may not be back to *try* and kill me, again.

*I’m fucking moody…a.lot. Most days I annoy myself, how the fuck can anyone else tolerate me!?  I’m no little miss sunshine that’s for sure.

*I have SERIOUS decision making issues….basically, I don’t make them, I just replay the options, what ifs and what now’s over and over and over again.

*I have a child…that I’ve been raising entirely on my own since day one….it’s hard to share.

THESE issues are my issues…I’ve accumulated over the years….I’ve carried over the years……

The thought of burdening someone else..to disrupt their ‘not-as-fucked-up-from-the-start’ kinda life….hurts…

Why should someone else suffer for my issues? It just doesn’t seem right.


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Posted in and then theres this kinda shit, Dating...or not...we shall see

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Sincerity..

Posted on July 5, 2010 | 5 Comments

“It surprises me that you like that sort of thing” He said

“I am a girl after all” I chuckled “I do like romance, when it’s sincere”

Let’s cut the shit right, there is a difference between romance and bullshitting your way into a chicks pants.

I feel that there is a lot of truth in

“The worst thing a man can do is make a woman fall for him with no intentions of catching her”.

It’s a dirty game that nobody wins….I’m not a game, don’t play me, am I right ladies?

I don’t want him to tell me what I want to hear.

I want him to tell me what’s on his mind at any given moment regardless how random the timing….I want to hear what’s in his heart.

Thankfully, He gets that and also appreciates open communication and honesty.

Although it is rather out of character for me….I truly don’t doubt His sincerity….



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Posted in and then theres this kinda shit, Dating...or not...we shall see, Mission: Change the Mindset, so I have a heart and feelings...tell anyone and Ill kill you

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To be continued

Posted on May 19, 2010 | 5 Comments

In case you missed it, I took on a new challenge from THE GlamRomantic (Morgan).


Nothing new, I am always eager to take on any of Morgan’s challenges.

That’s the thing…I take the challenge….and then…and then……and THEN……AND.THEN?!

Nothing.

I’m horrible at finishing things…especially things that require me to be nice to myself.

Not this time.

I’ve taken Morgan’s challenge…..write my own manifesto.

So far, total suckery.

It’s harder than I anticipated to answer some of the questions WITHOUT my usual sarcasm.

Writing my manifesto is something I’m taking serious for once, as much as I love sarcasm….it’s not allowed in my manifesto.

(Heads up–it’s going to be a while before I write that too)

The hardest part for me is to ‘dream’ and or believe past surviving the moment.

I met Mr Meth when I was 17.  Like when I knew it all-duh.

At that time I believed in love, in our love….I had dreams of going to law school and proving people wrong in a skirt.

After graduation, I didn’t go to law school…..I went to work full time, moved into my first place, with Mr M and we were good….things were good, I was happy, loved…content.

I was working in the medical field rather than law but I found that I sort of liked medicine.

I was good at it…it came natural…caring for someone vulnerable…it was interesting and exciting in a hectic, chaotic and loud ER….I loved the rush.

At 21 I was a homeowner and still working full time at the hospital.

Mr M was working as well, we had a nice house, new car…a bright future….one that I was more than content with…ready to settle down, settle into my new home…content to be Mr M’s wifey.

We didn’t have it all, not even close but we had an undeniable love for one another at one point in time and that love…was enough for me.

I had my somebody to run with….that’s all I needed.

At 22 I was given a new kind of love.  I was now a mother….that changed me, my perspective…I morphed, matured, felt the fire, the passion that had been lying dormant inside me suddenly ignite.

It’s that fire that has fueled me ever since….I guess that’s motherhood ey?

Fuckin rocks~

Also at 22 in addition to being a mother I was also suddenly, very abruptly…alone.

My somebody to run with….ran the fuck off.

(Sort of. I did  have to chase him with the law for a bit…..crazyass mo fo)

Being alone yet being a mother was an odd thing….for the first time since high school I was single…and now that I was single I was mom…being mom trumped all else so I followed my passion

I focused on being mama.

I worked my ass off to maintain my independence.

Ever more so after briefly getting trapped with that drunked jackfuck.

His hateful words and evil ways made me fight even harder….made me more passionate than ever to prove him the fuck wrong.

I’ve done that now….proved him (and several others) wrong.

Check me out….I’m a fucking rockstar momstar.


When it comes to being mom, the one who cares for the vulnerable, roots for the underdog and will rip a fools face off to protect the few that I love…..that’s me.

A fierce fire that warms my friends and burns my enemies….

yet, sometimes I burn myself.

The one that you shouldn’t have underestimated…..the one who underestimates herself the most…..thats me.

That WAS me.

I’m making small changes to improve myself…mind, body and soul.

I’m taking this passion…this fire and I’m redirecting it…..just as soon as I figure out what direction that is….keep in mind-the last time I “knew what I wanted” I was SEVENTEEN.

I’m not 17 anymore

(I’m maintaining 29 until further notice. Yes, I’m aware my parents allege I am 30 but they are bonkers…or I am…but it’s totally their fault)

and I don’t have any desire to go to law school….

I have a reminder on my arm…

“to thine own self be true” …

time to do just that~


Ok wait…where the fuck was I going with this?! In circles apparently.

Thought trail de-fuckin-railed.

Oops:)

(Random cute kitten pics fix everything)

As I was saying, I’m taking action, setting small totally reachable goals….actually accomplishing something will be the best motivation for me to continue…

not finish mind you….

continue….

eventually resulting in one masterpiece manifesto


This weeks small steps:

*Drink at least one glass of milk a day (besides being prego-I havent drank milk since I moved out of my mothers house. That shits nasty but allegedly good for me so whatever, I’ll drink it)

*Clean out my disgusting car (Its gross)

*Tell the PIT Im proud of her at least 14 times a day (14 just seems like a nice number)

*Get hair did

*Try this ‘yoga’ thing

*Eat. All three meals everyday.

*Update my dossier ….deadline: Friday

*STAY positive at work….mostly by distracting myself with twitter (survival skills…get off my back)

*Try to stay on track when blogging (heh)

*Remind the PIT I love her at any given moment for no reason other than its the truth

*Protect self from @thebastardcat who is clearly the devil in fur





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Posted in Being a mom rocks even when being a single mom blows, Dating...or not...we shall see, so I have a heart and feelings...tell anyone and Ill kill you

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The date that wasn’t

Posted on May 3, 2010 | 10 Comments

It appears that this ‘dating’ thing is far more confusing than I remember.  

Why?  Because I don’t speak code. 

 I apparently do not understand the lingo of dateland…I’m actually more than okay with that too. 

I don’t want to speak in code nor do I want to learn how to decode what the fuck you’re talking about. 

 I prefer to just say it. 

 Leaving shit open to interpretation leaves shit open to MISinterpretation which leaves one wondering “What the fuck just happened here?!”

 

Remember last week I tweeted about a date?

 Don’t worry if you missed it, it was a brief tweet. 

 

 Here’s the jist of it…..I had recently been contacted by a gentleman that I had previously briefly met a while back.

 (I say briefly because I was only sober for a short time the night we met. I was also terribly busy shaking my ass) 

 

When he first contacted me it was a brief “hey how you been? blah blah We should get dinner one of these nights and catch up” 

 I told him I’d work on getting a critter sitter and we’d work out the details. 

A day or two later I had lined up the sitter critter (pissing the PIT off btw) and let the gentleman know.

  We had planned on dinner Wednesday night.  

In my mind I’m thinking dinner, not drinks, but actually dinner and catching up like not in a bar, was a date. 

 When we had agreed on a time and place I text him “Great, it’s a date” 

 I mean why am I getting a critter sitter?

If I was going to dinner with my friends the PIT would most likely come with me.  I got the critter sitter because I assumed I was going on a date. 

 It was clear Tuesday night that I had assumed very wrong.  

Early Tuesday evening I get a text “Hey, can we move our hangout back a week?” 

Our what?

 I’m SO confused right now. 

And did you just blow me off via fucking text?

What the fuck just happened here?!

 (see, told ya…people wonder) 

I said ‘date’ and you said ‘hangout’…….is this like you say ‘tomato’ I say what the hell ever?! 

 Is this the new subtle way to blow women off?

Personally, I prefer the old, in your face way but that’s just me…..and probably why I’m single yet fabulous.

Maybe I’m really THAT clueless.

I’m okay with that too…..I’m really fucking awesome at other stuff.

 

 

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Posted in Dating...or not...we shall see, I rarely ever to never have anything nice to say...like right now

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How did i get here and what went wrong

Posted on May 25, 2009 | 10 Comments
How did I get here and what went wrong?

Not only a great line from Shinedown’s hit “Save me” , but it is also a question that I have asked myself a million times a day.  The ladies of lookingglasslane.com have inspired me to take a good look at myself and my life, which in turn has inspired me to finally answer this question. It’s probably going to be a bumpy, cuss word filled ride..just warning you. It’s going to be ugly and maybe even a little painful. However, it’s time to take a good look at me and my life…how did I get here?

The hardest part is trying to decide where to start. I’m going to start with what haunts me the most. My apparent biggest fear. Love and the lack there of…..

broken

I wasn’t always a bitter woman. I’ve always been lil miss attitude without question…but not bitter. I haven’t always hated love. The sight of a clearly “in love” couple didn’t always make me want to scratch my own eyes out and the words “I love you honey” didn’t always make me want to vomit. No, that gut wrenching sensation triggered by the threat of a relationship came after 3 of my biggest mistakes. 2 of them I loved and 1 of them I lothed. Each one of them destroyed me in their own way….each one destroyed me because I LET them. I’m ashamed of myself for letting that happen. So ashamed that I’ve convinced myself that I should never ever date ever again.

Wondering what the hell could have happened to this chick to make her so angry, bitter and ashamed?!

Meth, alcohol and a married man that’s what.

Stay tuned…it’s a hell of a trilogy!

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Posted in Dating...or not...we shall see, Mission: Change the Mindset

To Chase or not to Chase….

Posted on April 29, 2009 | 2 Comments

love-sick1

 

It seems to me that some people can be overly ambitious when it comes go dating. Am I the only one not entirely focused on finding prince charming? Except for mssinglemama of course who said “prince charming can kiss my ass. Unless he’s gonna sweep me off my feet. We shall see ” she gets it…being mom comes first now. That’s just the way it is when you have kids. Unless course I missed a memo or something….always a possibility.
I have been a single mommy of one for 7 years. Do I want to find mr right? Of course, don’t be stupid, who doesn’t. However unless he falls in my lap I’m not going to find him. And a wise old man once told me “just because he falls in your lap doesn’t mean you can’t push him off” Hmmmmm…interesting concept, especially when the only thing that falls in my lap is trouble. Duely noted:)
I have one little girl, just one. Only one I’m going to have. The devil chute is outta order. I’m not going to waste my time chasing dick, I’m going to spend my time enjoying being mommy. If love finds me, fine. If not, eh…I’ll get some cats to keep me company in my old age. Maybe get a hobby…knitting or bingo or napping

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Posted in Being a mom rocks even when being a single mom blows, Dating...or not...we shall see

Boyfriend Application

Posted on April 29, 2009 | 3 Comments

Just in case I would ever decide to date it would be good to be prepared! Lol

1)  What is your current status?

A) Single and ready to mingle

B)  Seeing a few girls

C)  I have a girl but we can keep it on the low low

 *If you answered A please proceed to the next question.  Sorry but Im an attention whore and dont waste my time on dogs.

2)  What is your education level?

A)  graduated, college

B)  currently in college

C)  drop out

 *If you answered A or B please proceed to the next question. Im only attracted to those with ambition:)

3)  What is your occupation?

A)  Young professional

B)  Street pharmacist

C) work? who needs work?

*If you answered A please proceed. I dont like illegitimate “ballers” or slackers. 

4)  Do you use meth, blow or anything more than weed?

A)  absolutely not, thats disgusting

B)  every now and then

C)  everyday, Im actually about to get faded right now

*If you answered A you may proceed. Ive already been through B & C…wont do that again

5)  How close are you with your family?

A)  We talk almost everyday

B)  every now & then

C)  They hate me

*If you answered A you may proceed to the next question.  The importance of family is above anything else that may be labeled a priority.

6)  Have you ever cheated?

A)  Absolutely not

B)  once or twice

C) Im a fucking dog

*If you answered A please proceed to the next question.  Do you know how many test prove that it is in a mans genes to cheat? Lots

7) Do you know how to cook?

A) Yes

B) Sort of

C)  Woman go cook your man some din-din

*If you answered A or B please proceed to the next question. I know NOTHING about cooking. This is the 21st century…cook your din-din suckah

8)  Do you clean? Are you clean? Do you have over the sink and leave your nasty ass facial hair spread all over the sink?

A) Immaculately clean

B)  Half-half

C)  Im a pig

*  If you answered A please proceed to the next question. B & C….gross. Wash yourself fool

9)  Are you secure with yourself?

A)  Im proud of who I am and accept my personality

B)  Sometimes Im jealous or feel intimidated

C)  I dont have any idea who the fuck I am

*  If you answered A you may proceed.  Sorry but I have plenty of my own issues all securely bundled up inside:) I dont need yours tripping me up….you gotta be secure with yourself.

10)  Do you have any tattoos or piercings?

A) Hells yeah

B)  I dont but I love tattoos

C)  Gross

*If you answered A or B please proceed to the next question.  Momma loves her ink:)

11)  Are children in your plans?

A)  I love kids & hope to have children someday

B)  Love my kids

C)  No way, no kids for me

* If you answered A please proceed to #13. If you answered B please proceed to #12. If you answered C hit the road. Im a mother and my daughter will always come before you.

12)  You love your kids…great….how is your relationship with baby momma?

A)  Shes the mother of my child(ren) and I respect her for that. I should thank her for giving me the opportunity to be a father.

B) She is a psycho bitch

C)  I dont see her or my kids

*If you answered A please proceed to the next question.  If you answered B or C get to steppin.  She birthed your children and you should respect her for that.  If you dont see her or your kids then shame on you. No room for dead beat dads here

13)  Here is your chance to explain why you would be an exceptional canidate:)

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Posted in Dating...or not...we shall see

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Reasons I dont date….

Posted on April 24, 2009 | 10 Comments
Take that love

Take that love

Top reasons I stay single……

1) I love jerks….or so it seems. I have revoked my own rights to date until Im done being a fucktard when it comes to men.

2)  I hate being lied to

3) Guys seem to think that having a dick is a green light to BE a dick. Newsflash…its not

4) Im not buying this whole “a womans place is in the kitchen” shit. Have you seen the disaster I can create in a kitchen?!

5)  Being a man does not make you better than me. I make milk….what can you make?

6) If I didnt birth you from my loins and you didnt birth me from yours then I am not responsible for taking care of you. If you want to be babied then live with your mother. Im busy being a mother to the one I actually gave birth too. You’re on your own sir:)

7)  I hate feeling trapped. Smother me & I will run

8)  Im a sarcastic lil bitch & I like it:) Im not here to blow sunshine up your ass. Im hear to tell it like it is. I dont sugar coat shit, chances are, Ill hurt your feelings at some point by throwing reality in your face

9) I dont believe you.

10) Lastly, for the record, Im not afraid to fall in love again. Im afraid the son of a bitch wont catch me. Or worse, he will catch me only to drop me on my ass and kick me in the face at a later date. No effing thank you:)

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Posted in Dating...or not...we shall see

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Why i stay a single momma

Posted on April 21, 2009 | 3 Comments

I’ve been divorced for seven years…I dated someone for a few years but it wasn’t serious. It wasn’t good…I married my hs sweetheart but divorced a crazy meth addict and rebounded to a mean drunk…way to go champ…*sigh* I decided to revoke my own right to date until I’m done being a fucktard when it comes to dudes (well on my way to being a lonely old cat woman at this rate!) I decided to keep my heart safely tucked away in my pocket until further notice. Besides being stupid when it comes to men it really sucks picking up the pieces of your own shattered heart when your little girl is looking at you with those big brown eyes like you’re her hero:) like I mentioned, I dated someone post divorce and it ended badly….after that I swore I would never put my daughter thru another messy breakup. I was done being broken by love gone wrong, fuck that noise:) I have a
Daughter to raise..she needs, deserves and gets all of my love and attention. I enjoy being a mom and I don’t want to miss a single moment. I would regret having it any other way, there’s plenty of time to look for love in all the wrong places lol after she’s grown! My gramma thinks that I’m wasting time and I’m too young to give up on love….I never said I gave up on love. I believe in happily ever after…just not so sure I get one. Also, no offense gramma but your whole entire world revolved around grandpa…don’t get me wrong…I love my grandparents! Loved each other very much..he worked, she kept the house in order and always had a hot meal on the table when he came home from the shop…she helped him out of his coveralls, set his food in front of him… She loved it too! It’s the way it was, the way they were…..I don’t want that. Is that wrong? I don’t want to wait on someone…I would want an equal, a partner. I really hate this pulling rank shit that goes on…it’s crap. I know my place darling and I certainly don’t need anyone thinking that they will change that or “put me in my place”. Bullshit:) I’m on my merry little way…keep up if you can!
I have several reasons for staying a single momma. The main reason is sleeping on the sofa right now…still wearing her Cinderella ball gown she was prancing around in tonight:)

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Posted in Being a mom rocks even when being a single mom blows, Dating...or not...we shall see

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