Category Archives: I rarely ever to never have anything nice to say…like right now

I’ve been in the funk again folks….revising this post-of-the-past and reviving the Unfunkatation of ME

I remember being a kid and my friends would want to go ride bikes or play softball and I just wouldn’t feel like it.  I didn’t feel like doing anything…ever. I remember sitting in my room wondering what was wrong with me….why did I seem to feel so differently than the other kids.

Throughout high school my “I just don’t feel like it” moods were accompanied by a whole lot of attitude and rebellion. I skipped school to take naps. Most kids skipped school and got into some sort of decent mischief but not me….I just wanted to sleep. Everything seemed to annoy me for no good reason. It’s like I’m annoyed by being alive and that is a shitty feeling.

When I was pregnant, sleeping all the time is expected so nobody really noticed that all I wanted to do was sleep. I was always tired at work but at least when I was working I was getting out of my house.  However, once I hit 26 weeks and went into labor, I was taken off work and put on strict bedrest. Shoulda been a dream come true for someone like me right? Wrong. I was so very wrong.

By the time my daughter was born and my husband was out the door….it became very apparent that I needed help. I held my newborn baby literally, for 3 days until my mother flew in to meet her new grandbaby and told me to put the baby down and get my sorry ass in the shower. At my 6 week check up my doctor asked how the baby was…I replied with “She’s perfect”…and then the doctor asked how I was……I couldn’t even speak. Instead I felt it…it was all coming to the surface and I was going to loose it…. And with that, I lost it. I buried my face in my hands and sobbed as I tried to explain that I had kicked my husband out for being a meth addicted he-whore and that although MY baby is perfect, I have absolutely no fucking idea what I’m doing here….”I’m in over my head!” I said to my doctor who was looking at me with the most comforting grin.  SHE got it…my doctor was also a single mom…not by the same means. She gave birth to her son while still in high school. She went on to finish high school AND medical school. That day, 8 years ago, she was still a single mom and she took the time to actually listen to me, she felt my pain, I could see it in her eyes…..I could also see the look of “You’re going to be alright girlie” in her eyes. She probably ran 45 minutes behind in clinic the rest of the day but that didn’t stop her from taking the time to listen to a new and completely terrified new mother. For that, Dr. Everding, I am forever grateful. She also sent me off with a prescription for an anti-depressant that also had good results in preventing migraines, something I’ve struggled with my entire life (and still do….)

I still often feel like a roller coaster but not in the “everybody gets to ride” kinda way.  (Sorry to disappoint you fellas, but this chick is a prude) Just like an up and down twist and turn scare the bejesus outta yourself kinda way. Some days I’m queen bitch..I’ll take on the world and I’m sure I’ll win. Some days…

I just feel gray

I’m Eeyore..all gray and mopey..everything is pointless because in the end reality will crush me and any shattered remains of my dreams.

There are alot more gray days than not. I’m not even sure what’s wrong most of the time! I just feel gray. I hate this feeling and recently it’s had it’s tight grip around my neck, relentlessly suffocating me, holding on and I can’t for the life of me shake it. I want to be happy and feel better, I have to. I don’t want to be a crabby old mom. One of my biggest fears is that my daughter will look back on her childhood and think “Damn, my mom was miserable…all the time”. I don’t want her to look at me the way I looked at my mother.  I want to have fun and play with the PIT..why does it have to feel like such a task to drag my scrawny ass outta bed? Why do I never ever feel “chipper”? Am I doomed to a gray existance?! I feel good maybe a few days outta the month at most. It’s annoying. I’ve annoyed myself…terrific.

After annoying myself long enough, I saw a different doctor who told me to reduce my stress level and I would feel much better.

No shit? Alert the press..lower stress leads to feeling better!! Now doc..how do you suggest I go about doing that?

Go back in time and choose a better sperm donor? Fuel up the delorian.

Should I pull financial security outta my ass? Grow money in the backyard? Should I drink doc?! Can you prescribe pot cause really nothin lowers your stress level like a fat doobie.

What the hell kind of medical help is that? Reduce your stress…eff you doc. I could have gotten that tidbit out of a fortune cookie. Reduce my stress?! I’m a single mother, divorced from a meth head who does not contribute child support but does threaten me and my closest relative is 4 hours away so when I say single mother I fucking mean it.

That doctor (who seriously needs a fucking CLUE) referred me to a psyciatrist..suprise! Apparently he did not like my questions. Probably because he couldn’t answer them because “just reducing stress” isn’t that easy for all of us. (he probably added a note to me records in red pen that says “DO NOT suggest stress reduction” )
I went to the new doctor and told him my story and looked at him with my usual “don’t fuck with me” look and he just grinned. I thought “oh good a smug fuck”.

The doctor said “no shit you have stress little lady. Let’s help you manage the streas and eventually kick it’s ass into a greatly reduced state.”

I sighed a huge sigh of relief as if I felt reassured by him telling me it’s ok to be stressed.  I’ve tried varies prescriptions and different “techniques” to manage my stress and some days Im certain I will be just fine and some days….I just cant talk myself into shit.

It’s not so much depression as it is the anxiety.  Lately, I can worry myself into a panic attack that will have me heaving my guts out in an ER with nurses poking IV’s into me trying to calm me down so i can breathe. It’s a horrible feeling to see your child see you like this.  I struggle everyday to keep my anxiety in check…or at least keep in from spilling all over the people I love. I have my happy pills from the psych and for me, they help tremendously. Still, the anxiety can get to me even when I’m medicated. I can try to tell myself that it will all be alright but the anxiety chimes right in with “Oh yeah lady, how the fuck are you gonna pay your rent? Your kid needs a dentist like, now. Mhmmm it’ll be alright my ASS woman”  For the life of me….I can’t drown the anxiety out.

I’ve added additional techniques to control my panic attacks and Eeyore days. Blogging is one of my “techniques”….so brace yourself folks….it’s going to be a colorful ride! (Might even learn a new cuss word or two if you’re lucky) Im stuck in this gray rut and Im sick of it…Im going to blog my way out:)  Im going to tackle this one crazy little issue after another…perhaps by telling my story I will be able to make sense of it.  Who knows…might even let go of whatever it is thats weighing me down…

letting go might feel good....