Category Archives: Journey to find….me

Happy Divorce-iversary Day to Me

Posted on October 28, 2010 | 13 Comments

Yeah so I made that word up. Deal with it. We’re celebrating.

Seven years ago today the nightmare I married was finally over.  I left my marriage, my house, my life and I ran.  I started over, seven years ago.

The last seven years have been a fucking whirlwind to say the least but in a good way…..I’ve learned that I can do this on my own, I am strong enough to handle whatever life throws at me and I will survive.

Seven years later, I find myself at the start of yet another new beginning.  Only this time there is no crazy ex husband (well there is but who knows where that crazy fuck is these days), there’s no house to be sold or drug lords to hide from. This time, I’m not running……I’m chasing my happily ever after. Big things are on the horizon for the PIT and I so be sure to stay tuned!

(First big change is this new set up for NYASM……be patient because I have no idea what I am doing here. I’m LEARNING!  The new spot where I’ll be blogging is NotYourAverageSingleMama be sure to subscribe!)

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Posted in Journey to find....me

The land between….what is it, where is it, have I been there, have you?

Posted on October 9, 2010 | 13 Comments

The land between….what is it, where is it, have I been there, have you?

Well….my dear friend, Morgan, once wrote:

An experience we call “for now” in public, but a “for now” that, in private, in our heart of hearts, we fear will never change. ”

Jeff Manion calls the land between any season of unremitting difficulty, “Where life is not as it once once and where the future is in question.”

Pretty much sums up the place I find myself these days. Life is certainly not as it once was and the future is indeed in question.

I once had a job that I enjoyed….that turned into a job I did not enjoy to say the least.  The frustration and aggravation of fighting a no win battle became more than ‘work’, it became a burden. A burden that in time, grew heavier and took it’s toll on me until I finally said enough is enough.

I’m a single mom, who just quit her job. I struggled to stay afloat when I had a paycheck coming in and now I go and quit my job and have no idea how I’m going to pay the bills that keep pouring in. I’ve lost my gawddamn mind, I know.

For two weeks I moped around, terrorized by my own constant worried thoughts running ramped through my already exhausted mind. I just wanted them to shut the fuck up ya know? Depression tells lies and they were LOUD and persistent…I would sleep my days away just so I didn’t have to hear them. I functioned well enough and at the right times so I wouldn’t disrupt the PIT’s daily routine. No need to worry her pretty little head. I’m worried enough for the both of us.

Thankfully, my ADD kicked in and the pity party was short lived. (I get bored and soaps are all effed up. Seriously, what’s with the soap star swapping?! I HATE that ABC…just sayin)  I spent hours reading The Land Between post from Morgan and her own personal accounts. I spent hours talking to emailing my besties, I broke down and admitted I needed help…help was there in the form of friends, family, readers, bloggers and one hott litigator.

I’ve spent hours meditating, reflecting and praying. Not a moment of that time was wasted trying to figure out the ‘answer’ right this second. Huge step for someone like me who prefers to know exactly what’s happening, when, how and what the plan B is.  Here’s why:

There are 3 truths about the land between:

1. It doesn’t matter how or why we are here. We don’t always get to choose what happens to us or what someone does to us.

2. It’s okay if we experience emotional collapse while in this place. On our own there is only so much we can bear.

3. What we do with the experience of the land between is up to us. This place can stay a dry desert where our faith eventually dies, OR this place, this crazy, middle- of-nowhere place, can become the richest and most fertile soil of our life.

Whatever you remember or take-home from this post, remember this:

The most important truth about the land between is that it is our greatest opportunity for transformational growth.

Unlike most “huge” revelations in my life, this didn’t hit me like a Mac truck.  It just sorta washed over me, gently sinking in to the darkest depths of *me* and I let it.

An unemployed single mother should be scared shitless but I’m not. I am looking forward to this unexpected opportunity for my own personal transformational growth. I look forward to taking this journey with my girl and that damn cat, but I also look forward to sharing this journey with all of you who have been indispensable since the day I started this blog accidentally….

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Posted in Being a mom rocks even when being a single mom blows, blogging heros, Journey to find....me

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Shitbricks of life

Posted on September 27, 2010 | 7 Comments

Ya know how sometimes life hits ya with a shitbrick that knocks you on your ass and youre like “eh, well” and you get back up?

Im just going through a “Im not getting off the floor. Im going to lay here to die” phase.

Not to worry…I hate my ex far too much to risk him ever getting MY child ever.

And I just know there would be some happy ass save the world type that would be all “oh lets reunite this little girl with her meth addicted father” before Im even buried.

In a matter of days my world crumbled…..in a matter of moments I felt the air being sucked out of my lungs, the weight of my worries too heavy this time….In a matter of days…..I crumbled to what is sure to be my darkest ‘funk’ thus far.

My job, my once friends, my heart……not at all what I once thought.

It hurts to be wrong.

It hurts to be betrayed, lied to and shunned.

It sucks when reality sets in and you have to admit that you’re alone and you were so very wrong…….

but I always come back….eventually……

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Posted in I rarely ever to never have anything nice to say...like right now, Journey to find....me, NEWSFLASH: Im a bitch, someday I'll be *normal*

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Alone longer than together

Posted on September 19, 2010 | 7 Comments

I’ve been a single mom since the start.

I say that all the time but it never sank in just how long that’s been.

The PIT will be 8 1/2 next month.

That’s 8 1/2 years that I’ve been alone….that’s longer that I was with Mr Meth.

For 8 1/2 years I’ve been in survival mode and I have survived.

My daughter is healthy, happy, smart and way to damn clever for her own good.

I have enjoyed every second watching that girl grow into an amazing little person, and she truly is an amazing being.

I love being a mother.

Then why have I been so unhappy lately?

Because, low and behold, I am more than a mother.

I am ME….a person that I’ve set aside day after day…mostly so I don’t have to face my fears.

My misery outside of motherhood has taken it’s toll on me. I’ve come to a point in my life where something has to give, something has to change.

Something is going to change and for once….I’m not afraid.

“Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.”
— Dave Barry

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Posted in and then theres this kinda shit, Being a mom rocks even when being a single mom blows, Journey to find....me, PIT=Princess or Punk in training-depends on her mood, someday I'll be *normal*

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Back when I knew it all

Posted on September 4, 2010 | 6 Comments

When I was a teen and knew it all, I was certain I had all the answers.

As an adult I have come to realize that I didn’t even know the questions.

I was never one to listen to my mother when she said “don’t run with that crowd” or “don’t date that doucher”.

In all honesty, I still don’t listen to mother…force of habit.

I made a lot of mistakes along the way and I’ve paid the price.

I’ve lived and I’ve learned.

Now that I’m a mother I worry about my daughter and the unavoidable fact that she’ll be a lippy teen before I know it.

I can handle a little rebellion…I think that’s probably natural instict as a teen….but I hope that I can teach her to make better choices then I did.

It was like a magnetic force that pulled me towards the baddest boy around.

I couldn’t help it, Im a sucker for a bad boy.

I can’t think of a single boyfriend that didn’t have a criminal record.

I married a felon.

(FYI-you have to check a “special” box on the marriage license if you’re marring a felon. Believe me…it’s no gold star)

I have friends that are still in prison, some that will likely never get out….it’s probably in the best intrest of society.

I have friends that are dead and buried…all I can do now is visit a tombstone.

People I once considered friends are now nothing more than an addict looking for their next fix. The person I knew was gone…only their frail and worn bodies left….no soul, no concious….nothing.

My friends include drug lords, gang bangers, thieves and straight up street thugs.

When my bestie & I look back at our teen years we’re amazed and grateful to still be alive.

(btw-my bestie & I are all that remain from a once notorious posse)

My girlfriends all have children, many with more than one drug lord sperm donor.

Three kids with three different dads by the age of 22 isnt exactly every girls fantasy.

For some girls though this is the reality of the rest of their lives.

You know so much and you got life by the balls….and suddenly your actions have you by the balls and every action has a consequence.

I myself, have an arrest record that I’m going to have to explain to my own daughter one day.

You thinks it’s hard facing your parents and explaining your actions?

(believe me, it wasnt easy facing my mother when she picked me up from jail or explaining to her that i had been busted shoplifting)

Imagine explaining your actions to your daughter someday, a daughter that absolutely adores you and believes you would never do wrong because…well…because you’re momma.

Not planning on having kids?

Yeah…me neither.

Yet, here I am….I didn’t intend to have kids but I certainly don’t regret becoming a mother.

She is the greatest gift I never even knew I wanted.

I’m not saying that I regret the things i’ve done because each thing I did & bad boy I befriended made me who I am today because I’ve learned so much through experience.

I share these stories in hopes that some 16 year old girl that knows it all as I once did, won’t have to see what I’ve seen, felt what I’ve felt and survived what I’ve survived.

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Posted in I rarely ever to never have anything nice to say...like right now, Journey to find....me, Just because Im a mom does NOT mean I wont throat punch you, remember that one time, So I fucked up...big fat friggin deal

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Bucket List….Take One

Posted on July 8, 2010 | 6 Comments

This week is my first week participating in MamaKat’s Writers Workshop

Thanks MamaKat!

(I’m hoping to make this a weekly thing)

This Mama Kat gave these promts:

1.) What would you change about your life if you could?

2.) I wish I would have…describe a time when you didn’t take action, but later wished you would have.

3.) A collector you know.

4.) Photographs can turn a house into a home. Share a photograph that is not on your wall, but should be…if you weren’t so lazy about actually putting it there.

5.) Write a list of 100 things you want to do before you turn 100. Otherwise known as a “bucket list”.

And set the deadline for today and remarkably….I actually fucking made the deadline. (YAY ME)

I chose to write a bucket list. It was a lot more challenging than I thought it would be. Turns out, I have little ability to let myself dream to big. I really am my own worst enemy! I’m calling this Bucket List…take one, as in rough draft….I’m not finished challenging myself to dream….

Bucket List…..take one

  1. Naughty girls weekend in NYC with besties
  2. Take the PIT to Disneyworld for her golden birthday (Fuck, that’s in 2 years?!)
  3. Learn to Salsa dance
  4. Slow dance on the beach
  5. Adopt a child out of foster care
  6. Write a book AND have it published
  7. Spend a year in Rome
  8. Get a dragon tattoo
  9. Visit the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame
  10. Stand at Ground Zero
  11. Visit Jim Morrison’s grave
  12. Tell the PIT about the Book of Meth
  13. Own a llama just to annoy Tay

    Meet my llama

  14. Attend a Peace Rally
  15. Experience Sturgis during Bike Week
  16. Let myself be loved like crazy
  17. Photo shoot with Morgan Day Cecil
  18. Go to the opera
  19. Watch ET without falling asleep (I’ve attempted this 6 times, and failed)
  20. Read the Bible (for real this time)
  21. Take the PIT to see the guard change at the tomb of the unknown soldier
  22. Smoke a big ass blunt with Snoop

    Puff puff pass

  23. Have a beer with Toby Keith
  24. Tat from Kat Von D
  25. Locate Waldo once and for all

    Where the fuck is Waldo?!

  26. Attend blog conference
  27. Take photography classes
  28. Change career fields (I still wanna be Autopsy Girl someday)
  29. Live outside MN
  30. Travel both coasts on the back of a bike
  31. Adopt a grandparent
  32. Host a gnarly rad 80’s theme party for no reason
  33. Complete my Manifesto
  34. Be the ‘bad’ auntie
  35. Visit every state capitol
  36. Donate an egg
  37. Visit historic prisons (Alcatraz, Tower of London & Devils Island)

    Historic prisons are fascinating

  38. Fly first class
  39. Land a role on All My Children as Erica Kane’s long lost yet hot daughter
  40. Get a hot stone massage
  41. Take a writing class
  42. Write a children’s book to be illustrated by tay
  43. Make new ‘traditions’ with the PIT
  44. Punch Kasey Anthony in the face (That bitch needs a good punch in the face…fucking baby killer)
  45. Travel to meet my twitter friends
  46. Get “rid of” Bieber
  47. Spend a Valentine’s Day in Paris (preferably not alone)
  48. Loy Krathong, the sky lantern festival in Thailand

    Stunning

  49. Visit The Smithsonian Museums in Washington, DC
  50. Woop it up at Carnival in Venice, Italy
  51. Spend a night at Edinburgh Castle
  52. Start a riot with Mely
  53. Road trip to Vegas
  54. Learn yoga
  55. Have great teeth
  56. Take a nap in a hammock
  57. Volunteer to rock babies at the hospital
  58. Buy something pretty for myself from Tiffany’s
  59. Cause a ruckus at the Mall of America with Jellie and make it onto Mall Cops-MOA
  60. Spend St Patty’s Day with @grandpabasement and @TheIrishGuy
  61. Quit the cancer sticks
  62. Own a penthouse with NYC skyline view

    I'll have one of these please

  63. Visit wine country
  64. Assist with an autopsy
  65. Skin a cat (Technically, I have done this already. Calm down, it was for anatomy class)
  66. Runaway for a romantic weekend
  67. Visit the graves of music legends
  68. Host a late nite talk show
  69. Wear a dress (non bridesmaid)
  70. Learn web design
  71. Make it to payday without going negative
  72. Buy cowboy boots in Nashville
  73. Lay on a white sandy beach
  74. Convince Robert Plant that a Led Zeppelin reunion tour is VITAL to mankind’s survival
  75. Learn to make sticky rice
  76. Go to Cambodia with Tusu
  77. Spend a summer in London
  78. Take McQueen’s shoes to Amsterdam

    McQueen and the shoe he abandoned & I now travel with

  79. Walk along Frisco Bay
  80. Spill my guts to my bestie (in real life….not in this blog)
  81. Spend a week with #TR
  82. Grab a beer with Matt Logelin
  83. Teach the PIT to throat punch (only in self defense of course)
  84. Remind her she is amazing every single day
  85. Visit Auschwitz
  86. Model for Lisa’s clothing line (It’s going to be fabulous)

    You're looking at a fashion icon in the making

  87. Spend a night in an expensive hotel suite
  88. Spend NYE in Sydney, Australia
  89. Have matching furniture
  90. Weigh more than I did in high school (it’s a long story)
  91. Have tea with Sharon Osbourne
  92. Oktoberfest in Germany
  93. Ease up on the worry
  94. Look for Nessie
  95. Go to Sexworld at 2am after bar close with your best and have a didlo sword fight (gawddamn that was a good night)
  96. Have a beer with @shredderfeeder
  97. Party like it’s 1999
  98. Walk my daughter down the aisle should she decide to get married someday
  99. Take Spencer to his first rock concert
  100. Get some really great boobs (post baby boobs blow)

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Posted in and then theres this kinda shit, Journey to find....me, Mission: Change the Mindset, Writers workshop

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What color was my what?!

Posted on July 1, 2010 | 4 Comments

It was once said that I was lucky that I hadn’t been burnt so bad by love that Id completely given up.

Clearly a memo was missed.

I happen to think that having your “husband” cheat on you with not one but two crackwhores, in your own home, while you’re giving birth is the kinda burn that can leave an incredibly massive blister on your heart.   And that’s only part of the fire Ive endured with misplaced love.

Shit, I have an entire post dedicated to reasons that I WONT date, plus I revoked my own rights to date until I was 30.

Fuck that noise….Im done. Keeping my heart in my pocket bitches.

Mhhmmmm….thats what Ive said for the last 7 years.

I convinced myself ages ago that there would be no happily ever after for me, it was going to be me and the PIT until she turned 18 and leaves me to chase her dreams (not boys) thus leaving me….destined to be the old cat lady. I wasn’t super stoked about it or anything but I had accepted it.  Ill get a fat lazy cat and yell “GET OFF MY LAWN” like Clint Eastwood did in Gran Torino.

(Badass flick btw..)

My outlook on my future as a single momma changed with one question outta the PIT’s mouth.

“What color was your wedding dress momma?”

gown

Motherfuck. It hits me. This is gonna be interesting…..

My daughter LOVES weddings….she loves everything about weddings, the music, the food, the chicken dance, (most recently she learned the Macarana) but most of all….she LOVES the brides that look like princesses.

So….how the fuck am I going to explain my “wedding”?!?!?

“I didn’t have a wedding dress” I replied.

“Why? What did you wear to the church” the PIT inquired.

*Motherfuck*

“Ahhhhhhh….well, I didn’t get married in a church.” I said

“Well then how did you get married?!” she squealed as if implying that I had been lying this whole time & never actually had been married.
*Pssshhh I wish*

“There are lots of way to get married darling…lotsa places…its not always in a church. Some people get married on a beach or in the woods or something…” I said (yeah…like that’s helping dumbass)

“Did you get married on a beach?!” the PIT asked almost hopeful
*Way to bring up the beach stupid*sweetbeach

“No.” I said as I tried to come up with some way to make this sound not so obscured in her simple lil mind. Turns out…it cant be done. “I got married at the courthouse by the Justice of the Peace” I said with a hint of shame in my voice.

*What a LAMEASS story! How disappointing! She LOVES weddings and wedding stories and I don’t have SHIT to tell her.

“Why?” she asked

“Because” —–Yes that’s all I said. So I left out the “because I was knockered” part…itll come.

“Who was there?” asked the PIT with a very puzzled look on her face….the one that says “Im not buying this because shit momma”

“Auntie” I said

“That’s IT?! She screetched “Was nana there? Or Uncle?”

shockedpeople

*Hmmm well that would have been tough considering I got married on a Saturday and called my family on Sunday night all “Oh hey btw…..I got married yesterday soooooooooo get off my back”

“Just Auntie” I said “That’s all we wanted…just a small, personal ceremony, it was very nice” I said

*Amazing I know. I managed to say that without projectile vomiting. I took a lot of Xanax but I did it.

Ill continue to do it because the PIT loves to hear stories…even though this particular story sucked and its hard for me to talk about him without wanting to puke….she loves to hear stories.

I think Id be ripping her off pretty badly if I didnt at least attempt to tell her any stories….

I think Id be ripping us both off if I didnt at least try to love again…

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Posted in I rarely ever to never have anything nice to say...like right now, Journey to find....me, My ex's MAY have made me kinda bitter, So I fucked up...big fat friggin deal

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Week One: Passion, Art and the Adventures of a MomStar

Posted on May 23, 2010 | 11 Comments

Over the last year I’ve mentioned Morgan more than once and for good reason. She’s a-fuckin-mazing.  Not only that, she has a gift for sparking the flame of passion.

No, seriously-she’s THAT good.  She has single handedly inspired me to ignite MY passion…..in order to do that, I need to focus on me, my passions, my likes, my dreams.  I realized quickly when I was unable to write a personal manifesto that didn’t suck ass, that I had work to do and it was LONG over due.

Recently the flu honestly tried to kill me. I had a hell of a time defending myself.  Why?  My nemesis, depression and anxiety had been been allowed to manifest inside me and slowly weaken me with doubt, worry and fears.  I had to face it…I wasn’t well…mind, body or soul.

I faced it and as I did I could hear Morgan’s words replaying in my mind, calming my nerves..challenging me to use the wings I’ve had all along…to trust myself…and just be~

I spent hours over at Bluegrass Romance.…created by none other that Morgan of course.  Reading and re-reading the weekly mini-missions, how the Bluegrass Romance came to be and why it’s so damn intriguing…I read posts from her previous blog, ModernSingleMomma, where I first met Morgan….words filled with honest and raw passion and love of life…words that were as much of a force as they were when I first read them over a year ago.

I’ve spent the last year blogging mostly about my past… After a lot of thought, meditation and reflection I’ve decided to take a lesson from Morgan…challenge myself to chase my passion and seek out adventure.  Small steps, goals, deadlines…personal challenges…in small not so scary doses.

It started like this…

This weeks small steps:

*Drink at least one glass of milk a day (besides being prego-I havent drank milk since I moved out of my mothers house. That shits nasty but allegedly good for me so whatever, I’ll drink it)

Done.  Shit I finished off the entire jug of milk this week. That is something I can honestly say, I’ve never done—until now~

*Clean out my disgusting car (Its gross)

The Civic is clean….there is a floor and floor mats after all!

*Tell the PIT Im proud of her at least 14 times a day (14 just seems like a nice number)

Check….this one was a breeze…kids friggin amazing

*Get hair did

Um-FuckYesImAMomStar


*Try this ‘yoga’ thing

Not yet…this one carries over into week two

*Eat. All three meals everyday.

Check! I actually ate very well this week and intend to keep it up….I am feeling MUCH better and I’m fully aware that it’s up to me to continue improving my less than healthy habits. Im gonna kick each and every one of those lil bad habit bitches right in the throat

*Update my dossier ….deadline: Friday

DONE:)

*STAY positive at work….mostly by distracting myself with twitter (survival skills…get off my back)

I’d say I was successful in this one 4 out of 5 days….HUGE for me…it’s no secret I’m less than amused with my current place of employment

*Try to stay on track when blogging (heh)

So far so good…..

*Remind the PIT I love her at any given moment for no reason other than its the truth

I didn’t miss a single opportunity to tell the PIT how much I love her or how proud I am to be her mama

*Protect self from @thebastardcat who is clearly the devil in fur

I only suffered one bite and so did he….and then he went on to knock a bunch of knick knacks off the shelves and damn near killed my mouse AND my plant, Gay tom selleck….this mission carries on as well!

*******************************************************************************************************************************

It’s Sunday….end of week one.  I must say, I feel pretty fucking good!

In addition to the small steps I listed earlier in the week, I made a point to seek out an adventure/momstarmission.

Today was a complete and total fucking success.

After a #SMR at Fat Nat’s the PIT and I went out in search of a park with “not baby’ toys. It was a hot, sticky gloomy day with a few brief moments of sunshine…it didn’t matter….the PIT was beaming brighter than the sun could even want to.  Our random road trip (yes, I got lost. again.) lead us to Wayzata and a rather stunning Art Fair.

We strolled along Main Street…along the lake shore…stopping at the booths to check out the art.

We even stopped so the PIT could participate in the fun.

She painted “Ralph”

while I sat on a bench near by,



taking in the sights and sounds of a busy city street against the tranquil sounds of the lake….



nature, city, the PIT’s laughter….

THIS is what I’m after-moments like this.

I’m going to continue with these weekly adventures and ‘small step’ lists and strive to challenge myself continuously.

Teaching myself and the PIT just how important passion is…

this week’s passion/lesson was……a mothers love….

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Posted in Journey to find....me, Mission: Change the Mindset, MomStarMissions, PIT=Princess or Punk in training-depends on her mood

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Time to transition

Posted on April 18, 2010 | 6 Comments

When he asks me “What do YOU want?” I can’t answer him. 

I just sit there-silent & still to him-I can tell that it frustrates him to no end, not because he will admit it but because I’m just as frustrated. 

I may seem silent and still to him but my mind is racing, my heart is pounding, it’s hard to breathe….silent and still on the outside to fight the panic and fear I feel inside. 

 I don’t say anything because I know that opening my mouth is like opening the flood gates of emotional hell….and most of all….I have no fucking idea what I want. 

There was a time in my life when I knew what I wanted….I was 17. 

 I believed in love. 

I believed that because we loved each other and because I wanted a “happily ever after” and because I believed that wanting it bad enough was enough to make it happen. 

I believed it so much that when I was proven to be very wrong…..I was thrown for a loop….

I hate to be wrong….it pissed me off that my positive thinking and truly wanting it bad enough wasn’t enough. 

I felt/feel like a failure. 

I failed at what I wanted and if I hadn’t been forced to survive I wouldn’t have. 

The force that kept me alive wasn’t part of my plans ever….it was not at all what I had in mind for my future. 

She was in Somebody’s plan for me….for a reason. 

I have to take the time to slow down and pay attention to what those reasons are. 

By doing that, perhaps the transition from self contempt to self content won’t be as scary and as out of reach.

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Posted in Journey to find....me, Mission: Change the Mindset

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The PIT’s party was FANTASTIC and I’ve apparently had another epiphany.

Posted on April 13, 2010 | 11 Comments

Well folks…we made it.  The PIT had a fabulous birthday!

First, a bigassbearhug thank you to a very special *Dad* who helped make this birthday weekend possible….THANK YOU!!

Friday as some of you know through my tweets, I suprised the PIT at school with cookies and a corsage.  What girl doesn’t love getting flowers?! None. Not even an 8 year old. The girl was giddy!! She wore her corsage all day at school and passed out her birthday treats to her class and her past teachers, she adores her teachers! When I picked her up after school she was in the best mood ever! It was awesome & sorta contagious.

 I felt pretty damn good knowing she was so happy…..and that I did that:) 

Friday night @taytayllamalady and I took the PIT and her friend to the Cinema Grill for dinner & a movie.  I had never been to the Cinema Grill so I was super excited to learn the tickets to Alice in Wonderland were only $3.  Usually I need to take out a loan to go to the fucking movies but here I thought $3?! Hells YES!!

The movie was INCREDIBLE…I absolutely loved it. Johnny Depp played the Mad Hatter like nobodys business! Excellent work Depp #assslap  Dinner was delish too. Cinema Grill has bomb ass pizza & cheese curds….for a price. Lol, my $3 movie tickets made sense when I got the bill for the food—$85.  Yup thats right $85.  Back to the small loans for movie nights! 

Saturday was the PIT’s actual birthday.  We started the day off with a big breakfast over at Fat Nats.  Nat himself served the PIT her birthday breakfast and said with a smile “This one’s on me birthday girl”  I could have cried I was so touched.  Im telling you….the PIT is quite the little person…she leaves her little fingerprints all over the hearts of everyone she meets. She left a fingerprint with Nat the first time we ate at the diner.  We’ve been regulars for about 2 years now but that Saturday morning I realized we were more than just the regulars….we were friends.

  Thank you Nat….your kindess is so greatly appreciated..and your staff effing ROCKS! Everyone in that diner made the PIT feel like a princess on her special day….Im grateful for that….the girl was beaming the entire day!

 

After breakfast, @taytayllamalady, the PIT and I loaded up the Civic for a lil road trip to grammas house!  This year I had decided to have the PITs party at my grammas house. She has a huge yard & a grill so we thought “lets bbq”!  (Yes gramma has a grill but neither of us can operate one)  Thankfully, my dad has a big ass grill AND knows how to use it!  Dad did the grilling for me  (thanks dad)

Grammas drive way was packed by 6:30 that evening.  It was AWESOME!!  My mom, dad, gramma & aunt all in the same place…at the same time….NEVER happens. Ok well it happened once. At my brothers wedding.  This was the 2nd time and I must say….it went really fucking well! My dad grilled, my mom mingled, gramma watched the kids run around her yard

…my brother & his wife made an appearance.  We hadnt seen them since the wedding in September I think….it was nice to have them there. The PIT adores her Uncie….she always has…when she was a baby Uncie would shake his empty beer can at her and she’d book it to the fridge to get him another one.  It’s odd but in a lot of ways, the PIT reminds me of my brother when he was a kid—ALWAYS INTO SOMETHING.  My brothers a good kid….as is the PIT.

  Desi and Karla came out to the party as well!!

I was SO excited to see them. I havent seen Karla since I left that town after my divorce….I keep in contact with Desi via facebook and such but to see her in person and introduce her to the PIT was just fucking awesomeness.  Not that the PIT remembers any of the time she spent with Desi & Karla….I sure as shit do and one day when the PIT & I have that talk…the one about the sperm donor….she will know then just how important Desi & Karla are…theyre kindness and caring kept the two of us alive in my darkest time. 

Auntie April came.  Seriously. I AM NEVER GOING 10 FUCKING MONTHS WITHOUT SEEING MY BESTIES FACE EVER AGAIN.  I know time flies now that we both have kids but for real…I need my besties.  My nephew is almost 2 already and he wants to play “ashes ashes” and its the cutest thing I’ve ever seen! 

He’s going to have such a blast this summer now that he’s up and running.  And have I ever mentioned how friggin cute Auntie & Uncle Trav are together? Fucking ADORABLE.  They’re the kind of couple you can feel the love between…you can see it in Travs eyes when he looks at his wifey…the mother of his son…..he adores her and she adores him….I adore them both~ Auntie April even managed to bring her niece along…the PIT’s buddy…who we don’t see as much-we seem to show up on weekends lil bud’s at her dads but this time—it worked perfectly!

The PIT had requested to play “Pin the tail on the Donkey” but her mother had other ideas..teeheehee…

“PIN THE KISSES ON BIEBER” ahahahahaha…..

my girl has a major crush on this Bieber kid and I think it’s adorable the way she blushes & swoons at the mention of his name.  When she saw me hang the poster on grammas garage her eyes lit up!

I told her Bieber was the donkey and she said “Mooooooooooooom he is nooot a donkey, he’s a singer”…we agreed to disagree on the Bieber subject and just get to pinning. 

 The PIT wrote name on the “smootches” and then passed them out….my dad looked a bit confused at first…the PIT took him by the hand “Come on Grampa!”

 Do you have any idea how fucking cute it is to see your tiny daughter spin your big ass Ogre of a dad around in circles 3 times and then push him towards Bieber?! FUCKING CUTE!! 

Damn near all the adults had to play! I say “had to” because it’s really hard to tell the PIT “no i dont wanna play”….my brother played

…Nana,

Auntie April,

 @taytayllamalady,

my cousin Joe…lol….

my big cousin Joe full of tatts and attitude couldn’t and wouldnt tell the PIT no.

 I will never forget her laugh that night….oh she laugh so frickin hard everytime someone put a smootch on Biebers nose or completely off the poster….she was SHOCKED when her Uncie planted the smootch right on Biebers lips…little does she know her Uncie is a CHEATER!

Lol-we saw you feel grammas garage door for creases and bumps….you’re quick bro but soon the PIT will be on to you as well….you know whats gonna happen then–GAME ON UNCIE. I think the PIT should spend like 6 weeks at Uncies;)

The adults mingled…the kids popped all the balloons…..I took a moment in between trying to figure out which way I was going (I get panicy at parties lol) to just be still…..the wind was barely blowing a soft, almost warm breeze through the trees, kids were giggling, my parents were laughing, my two besties were chatting….I could not have asked for a more perfect moment. 

I know it was the PIT’s birthday and all but her party-her day, had a huge impact on me….in a very good way.

After the bbq at grammas I took the PIT and my little sister to a hotel for swimming & a slumber party.  Auntie & lil bud came with us too!  @taytayllamalady, Big Joe & his wifey joined us as well. We sat by the pool watching the kids play—having grown up conversations—laughing our asses off just enjoying each others company.  It was friggin awesome. **I really must do that more often….grown up conversations & laughing with the besties.** The 3 girls played, swam, giggled and soaked in the hot tub until MIDNIGHT! Lil party animals seriously wore me the eff out! I LOVE IT!!

 Sunday morning my sister & the PIT wanted to swim for a bit before checkout so I took them to the pool.  I grabbed a soda from the machine & when I go to sit at a table I notice the PIT barking out orders.  Curious I had to see what the heck she was talking about…aka…make sure she wasnt being a punk just running her mouth (thats her mamas job).  She wasn’t…..she had managed to get the other kids in the pool together & organized a game of “Marco Polo”….I just looked at her in awe….she’s always been like that..social and ready to lead the way….that kid of mine is flipping AMAZING. 

She continues to shock & awe me in good ways daily

 (Im sure the teen years may have more shock & awe lol…I do know who I’m dealing with–ME)

It blows my mind that I was giving this little creature to love, nurture and raise….especially solo….I guess it’s time to face it….

this may not have been what I had in mind for my future, I hadn’t planned on kids or marriage but here I am…one fabulously independant mama….

Someone had this in mind for me….Someone has faith in me as a parent/person….

it’s time I have faith in Someone….

 

 

 

What the shit?! My kids birthday party post turned into another epiphany?! Interesting…

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Posted in and then theres this kinda shit, Journey to find....me, so I have a heart and feelings...tell anyone and Ill kill you, someday I'll be *normal*

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