Category Archives: so I have a heart and feelings…tell anyone and Ill kill you

“She lives for an audience”

Posted on October 16, 2010 | 1 Comment

The PIT was about 4 years old at the time.

I had taken her to the local mall to play at the indoor playground because its effing cold in Minnesota.

I watched as the PIT climbed on the jungle gym and played on the pirate ship.

I watched the PIT who was on top of the pirate ship now and I knew that look she had in her eyes….she was up to something.

She was looking across the playground but I couldnt tell what she was looking at.

The PIT jumped off the pirate ship and dashed around the playground.

Not sure what the hell she was up too I followed behind her.

I watched my daughter who had been playing so nicely all by herself, run….jump in front of a little girl and vogue

while the little girls gramma, holding a camera, looked on with the same “what the hell?!” look on her face.

How does one explain and or apologize for their child literally stealing the shot?!

I dont know, thankfully the little girls gramma had a bit of humor and started to laugh.

“Someone likes the camera!”  She said

“Yeah…shes cute and apparently she knows it” I said

I took the PIT by the hand, we both apologized for the interruption and went on our merry way.

I realized that day that I had created an incredibly cute monster…

…Im still paying for it today!

Ha!

However, these days the PIT is not shot-blocking any children at the playground.

She had found a new audience!

Every other Tuesday she “volunteers” at the nursing home near her school.

Its basically a dream come true for the PIT….an audience that cant run!


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Posted in and then theres this kinda shit, PIT=Princess or Punk in training-depends on her mood, remember that one time, so I have a heart and feelings...tell anyone and Ill kill you

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Dare to Daydream..

Posted on October 8, 2010 | 2 Comments

 

ny

*The start of a daydream*

I can hear her singing to her stuffed animals in her room.  The PIT is seriously always singing….even in my daydreams! I’m in the sitting in the sitting room (clever hey) of our spacious, yet cozy loft in a bustling city with a kick ass view of the skyline and lots and lots of windows to let it all in.

let the sunshine in

I love cities…skyscrapers, chaos, concrete, traffic, noise, smog, graffitti and people scattered everywhere.  I like the tranquil feeling I get in the city…I’m free…skys the limit and noone is starring at me all up in my business pissing in my cheerios because they’re all far to busy trying to claim their section in this crazy world!  I could sit and stare at a skyline view for hours…i get lost in the chaos and clutter around me that somehow I stumble upon me.  In this daydream I am taking in the singing, sunshine and skyline in a room of windows…big ass floor to ceiling windows.

dreamin

There are plants and knick knack throughout the room…pictures of the PIT adorn the walls…there’s a fainting couch near the window that I’m lounging on…sipping my coffee and reading a good book.  The PIT comes dashing out in yet another stunning Cinderella/Punky brewster type outfit declaring herself ready to rock and roll.  I smile and think to myself how lucky I am to have such a free spirited, “on her on terms” kinda girl.

kicks & a crown

She says with confidence “Lets roll momma” as pulls me out of my chair because lets face it….shes a busy busy girl!  The two of us hit the city streets…the PITS heels are clicking on the concrete and you can hear my jeans sluffing across the pavement because I love love love long pants:)  We’re off to explore the city…see the sights…hear the sounds…shop till we drop….we stroll thru a park and stop for a quick picnic and then we’re off again…..

“Come on momma….Lets roll” as she tugs on my hand….

 

I love being momma~

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Posted in and then theres this kinda shit, Mission: Change the Mindset, PIT=Princess or Punk in training-depends on her mood, so I have a heart and feelings...tell anyone and Ill kill you

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Weekend update-the mushy part

Posted on October 4, 2010 | 10 Comments

Does he (The Hott Litigator) feel sorry for me and that’s his motive?

Nope.

He knows that I do not want or need pity. I want a partner to share my issues with…all of em..someone to share their not so many issues with.

When I’m drowning myself in my own worry, fear and doubt he doesn’t throw me over his shoulder and say “ok listen lady, time to buck up!”…he doesn’t run away thinking “she is way too much effort”, leaving me to my own device….

Instead, he listens to me whine, cuss and constantly complain…then he takes me by the hand and says “Ready when you are baby”

Something so seemingly simple is so perfectly fit for me, him and our (mostly mine) issues.

His smile melts my fears and calms my heart….his heartfelt and compassionate ways shower over me, awakening parts of my heart I’d thought I’d left behind years ago, buried beneath the rubble and tucked away forever…

He makes me *feel* again and I actually want to feel again which is huge considering I’ve become way too good at feeling nothing more than empty.

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Posted in Random thoughts put into words....sorta, so I have a heart and feelings...tell anyone and Ill kill you

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Weekend Update…..without Tina Fey

Posted on October 4, 2010 | 12 Comments

Weekend Update…..without Tina Fey

Fire, wine, cheese, chocolate cake and a man that adores me wrapped around me, not suffocating, not smothering….just enough wrap to make me feel as safe as I feel free

He’s a sport….watching my favorite TV obsessions, TruTv’s World’s Dumbest anything and of course…..DEXTER.

Hour after hour, he watches with me, never once complaining or asking “Is this crap over yet?”….knowing full well there are plenty of other shows (football games) he would rather watch (blood & guts is my thing…not so much the Hott Litigators) Yet, he endures hour after hour of me yelling “Just fucking SHOOT him” and “Oh holy shitballs Dexter!” never once letting go of me…..

Attentive, caring and compassionate….the Hott Litigator is truly more than I thought possible in a man…

Homemade dinner in which my only duty was to NOT move my ass off the sofa. Strict orders, or…he fears my kitchen fire ability?

“Don’t you even lift a finger” he tells me “I want to take care of you. This is your relax weekend, let me do this, please”

Normally I’d call bullshit and remind him that I do not need to be taken care of…but not this time….not with the Hott Litigator….he looks at me, I mean he really looks at me and makes me look him in the eyes (he’s onto my eye contact fear/issues and he’s chipping away at them ever so gently) I can feel it in the way that he looks at me….he truly wants to do these things, the little things, the big things, the fun things, the not so fun things….he wants to join me, not run me, run with me.

**The Hott Litigator will remain in limited detail..limited personal details. I’m the blogger, not him. I spill my details here..not anyone else’s. Be grateful for the few details you do get outta me:) His privacy will be respected here.**

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Posted in Random thoughts put into words....sorta, so I have a heart and feelings...tell anyone and Ill kill you

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Words from a friend that I’d like to pass on to you~

Posted on September 17, 2010 | 6 Comments

Several moths ago I felt lost and let down once again.  I reached out to a friend, a friend who is very busy with her own life but yet she still had time to reply, and to this day, months later I still hear her words echo in my mind. In the last few days, I have passed the same words along to my own friends. The words remain true and today I am posting them here….for all read, for all to hear….to echo in the back of your minds….

What I’ve learned since then is that true, lasting, healthy love is never meant to be tumultuous.
If you are feeling like you’ve lost your mind over this boy, you probably have put him on a pedestal in your life he doesn’t belong. What keeps us centered and grounded despite shitty circumstances is our relationship with God. You are meant to feel grounded and centered AND loved but never feel like it’s up to a particular man to give that to you.
I know it’s not the advice your want to hear right now, but I’m sharing with you what I WISH someone would have shared with me.

Breathe. Breathe, again.
You are perfect just as you are. Nothing is broken or needs fixing. Just breathe and trust God loves you and is present with you even if you can’t feel him at all.
He has the Man for you already picked out :)


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Posted in Dating...or not...we shall see, Random thoughts put into words....sorta, so I have a heart and feelings...tell anyone and Ill kill you

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Less frightening is good

Posted on September 11, 2010 | 9 Comments

It’s not often I discuss relationships. Mostly because I know jack shit about relationships besides they scare me. I leave the relationship talk to the experts….T, Momma Sunshine and MsSingleMama. And I have serious issues with this ‘Prince Charming‘ shit.

However, lately the thought of a relationship is much less frightening.  I don’t freak out the second I start to let my feelings show and completely sabatage any chance at a relationship. I don’t feel like I’m fist-o-fury, swinging at any attempt of affection. I don’t feel like I’m going to disappoint *him*.  Even better…I don’t feel like I’m waiting for him to disappoint me. (I’ll tell you more about *him* when I’m damn good and ready folks)

I notice his daily efforts to make sure I know just how important I am to him and I must say….having someone put in some effort to make sure you know you’re his kinda crazy is really friggin nice! And for that affection to be sincere is even fucking better.

For now we may be states away from each other but I can honestly say I haven’t felt this close to a man in a very long time. It feels so good

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Posted in Random thoughts put into words....sorta, so I have a heart and feelings...tell anyone and Ill kill you

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Sincerity..

Posted on July 5, 2010 | 5 Comments

“It surprises me that you like that sort of thing” He said

“I am a girl after all” I chuckled “I do like romance, when it’s sincere”

Let’s cut the shit right, there is a difference between romance and bullshitting your way into a chicks pants.

I feel that there is a lot of truth in

“The worst thing a man can do is make a woman fall for him with no intentions of catching her”.

It’s a dirty game that nobody wins….I’m not a game, don’t play me, am I right ladies?

I don’t want him to tell me what I want to hear.

I want him to tell me what’s on his mind at any given moment regardless how random the timing….I want to hear what’s in his heart.

Thankfully, He gets that and also appreciates open communication and honesty.

Although it is rather out of character for me….I truly don’t doubt His sincerity….



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Posted in and then theres this kinda shit, Dating...or not...we shall see, Mission: Change the Mindset, so I have a heart and feelings...tell anyone and Ill kill you

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To be continued

Posted on May 19, 2010 | 5 Comments

In case you missed it, I took on a new challenge from THE GlamRomantic (Morgan).


Nothing new, I am always eager to take on any of Morgan’s challenges.

That’s the thing…I take the challenge….and then…and then……and THEN……AND.THEN?!

Nothing.

I’m horrible at finishing things…especially things that require me to be nice to myself.

Not this time.

I’ve taken Morgan’s challenge…..write my own manifesto.

So far, total suckery.

It’s harder than I anticipated to answer some of the questions WITHOUT my usual sarcasm.

Writing my manifesto is something I’m taking serious for once, as much as I love sarcasm….it’s not allowed in my manifesto.

(Heads up–it’s going to be a while before I write that too)

The hardest part for me is to ‘dream’ and or believe past surviving the moment.

I met Mr Meth when I was 17.  Like when I knew it all-duh.

At that time I believed in love, in our love….I had dreams of going to law school and proving people wrong in a skirt.

After graduation, I didn’t go to law school…..I went to work full time, moved into my first place, with Mr M and we were good….things were good, I was happy, loved…content.

I was working in the medical field rather than law but I found that I sort of liked medicine.

I was good at it…it came natural…caring for someone vulnerable…it was interesting and exciting in a hectic, chaotic and loud ER….I loved the rush.

At 21 I was a homeowner and still working full time at the hospital.

Mr M was working as well, we had a nice house, new car…a bright future….one that I was more than content with…ready to settle down, settle into my new home…content to be Mr M’s wifey.

We didn’t have it all, not even close but we had an undeniable love for one another at one point in time and that love…was enough for me.

I had my somebody to run with….that’s all I needed.

At 22 I was given a new kind of love.  I was now a mother….that changed me, my perspective…I morphed, matured, felt the fire, the passion that had been lying dormant inside me suddenly ignite.

It’s that fire that has fueled me ever since….I guess that’s motherhood ey?

Fuckin rocks~

Also at 22 in addition to being a mother I was also suddenly, very abruptly…alone.

My somebody to run with….ran the fuck off.

(Sort of. I did  have to chase him with the law for a bit…..crazyass mo fo)

Being alone yet being a mother was an odd thing….for the first time since high school I was single…and now that I was single I was mom…being mom trumped all else so I followed my passion

I focused on being mama.

I worked my ass off to maintain my independence.

Ever more so after briefly getting trapped with that drunked jackfuck.

His hateful words and evil ways made me fight even harder….made me more passionate than ever to prove him the fuck wrong.

I’ve done that now….proved him (and several others) wrong.

Check me out….I’m a fucking rockstar momstar.


When it comes to being mom, the one who cares for the vulnerable, roots for the underdog and will rip a fools face off to protect the few that I love…..that’s me.

A fierce fire that warms my friends and burns my enemies….

yet, sometimes I burn myself.

The one that you shouldn’t have underestimated…..the one who underestimates herself the most…..thats me.

That WAS me.

I’m making small changes to improve myself…mind, body and soul.

I’m taking this passion…this fire and I’m redirecting it…..just as soon as I figure out what direction that is….keep in mind-the last time I “knew what I wanted” I was SEVENTEEN.

I’m not 17 anymore

(I’m maintaining 29 until further notice. Yes, I’m aware my parents allege I am 30 but they are bonkers…or I am…but it’s totally their fault)

and I don’t have any desire to go to law school….

I have a reminder on my arm…

“to thine own self be true” …

time to do just that~


Ok wait…where the fuck was I going with this?! In circles apparently.

Thought trail de-fuckin-railed.

Oops:)

(Random cute kitten pics fix everything)

As I was saying, I’m taking action, setting small totally reachable goals….actually accomplishing something will be the best motivation for me to continue…

not finish mind you….

continue….

eventually resulting in one masterpiece manifesto


This weeks small steps:

*Drink at least one glass of milk a day (besides being prego-I havent drank milk since I moved out of my mothers house. That shits nasty but allegedly good for me so whatever, I’ll drink it)

*Clean out my disgusting car (Its gross)

*Tell the PIT Im proud of her at least 14 times a day (14 just seems like a nice number)

*Get hair did

*Try this ‘yoga’ thing

*Eat. All three meals everyday.

*Update my dossier ….deadline: Friday

*STAY positive at work….mostly by distracting myself with twitter (survival skills…get off my back)

*Try to stay on track when blogging (heh)

*Remind the PIT I love her at any given moment for no reason other than its the truth

*Protect self from @thebastardcat who is clearly the devil in fur





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Posted in Being a mom rocks even when being a single mom blows, Dating...or not...we shall see, so I have a heart and feelings...tell anyone and Ill kill you

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There once was a man…

Posted on April 26, 2010 | 14 Comments

There once was a man, who made this girl feel something…..even though it didnt work out the way I had hoped…I cannot ignore it, deny it, or hide from it–I do indeed want to love someone and I do want to be loved.  I’m never going to have that chance if I keep running away from it.  Admitting I have feelings is really fucking hard for me…..but it’s harder to convince myself that its just not worth it…not when I honestly miss the way I felt when I wrote this….and why the hell should I?   

158

When “our” song comes on the radio I cant help but grin….when I get a “good morning princess” text (everyday) my guts get all shakey and again I find myself grinning. 

 He makes me smile….giggle and laugh….a lot.

  MakeAGirlLaugh

When he sends flowers to my office #just cuz he makes me giggle and blush like a girl which is something I very rarely let people know….yes…turns out I am a girl….I do indeed have a heart and feelings. (fuck with em and Im still prepared to go all crazy white bitch on ya)

 

He makes me think..…think of things that Ive long since forgot about. 

couple

Ok fine.

  I never forgot about them, I just buried them in the depths of my being because admitting that they were there hurt and that sucks.  

Daydreaming of slow dancing on a beach near a bonfire, holding hands strolling city streets with a man that I adore and equally adores me…

Couplecc

..all seemed pointless to a girl like me. 

Wishing and wanting something that youve already convinced yourself that youve missed your chance at is torture when all you can see are the shattered remains of what your life once was….the mistakes that youve made….

However, now when I think about these “things”, Im not afraid. Im not hurt…in fact….Im grinning…AGAIN. So many ideas, dreams, wishes and wants come flooding into my mind…so many things that Ive been so terrified of…..suddenly bring a smile to my face….

“ What I need is someone who will make me do what I can.”  Ralph Waldo Emerson

 together

This quote struck one of those rockstar nerves….it makes sense to me.  I dont need to be told what to do or where to go or how to do it….I need someone who smiles, takes me by the hand, pulls my lazy bum up off the sofa and says “Come on baby…lets conquer the fucking world together…..or hit the road, see where we end up and lay in the back of my truck…we’ll roll with it…together”

 5

 

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Posted in so I have a heart and feelings...tell anyone and Ill kill you

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It’s not my mood. It’s my duty to be one fabulous bitch.

Posted on April 20, 2010 | 6 Comments

Alright so here’s the dilly yo. 

 I’ve been trippin lately….over my own self contempt.

 Why? Because I can. 

 And because I let myself forget that just because I can, doesn’t mean that I have to.

  I mean seriously, when have I ever been known to follow the rules? 

I’m not going to lie, I’m pretty fucking tough when push comes to shove.  I will rip your face off to protect the ones I love.

  Recently however, it was proven that I am indeed a girl, I am human, and I am capable of loving…..turns out, I’m not a cold hearted, numb and bitter, man hating bitch. 

 I’m simply a bitch and I like that. 

 I’m tired of being told how to “be a better person”, how to improve myself, how to love, how to be happy

 (FYI–this *positive thinking* thing ppl keep shoving down my throat is crap. No amount of *positive thinking* is every going to replace the power of prayer in my life)

 when to love, when not to, whats right, whats wrong, what Im ‘suppossed’ to feel. 

Who the hell determines what’s right for whom? 

When did I start caring what other people thought about me?!

  (Ok so I know when that happened but Im not sharing that detail right now…I dont want to & as I was saying….i dont have too) 

For a moment I let fear take over and the voices pointing out all of my flaws were obnoxiously loud.

I overlooked who’s judgement will actually matter in the end & that the judgement will have NOTHING to do with the men, good or bad, that have come and gone out of my life

  IM HUMAN–shit happens. 

My heart took a hit and my pride slipped briefly…Im not perfect…Im fucking fabulous. 

 I’m on a new mission….not one that’s just for ladies and moms…basically its like this-I do not care if you’re a man, woman, father, mother, married, single, blah blah fucking blah…none of that matters to me.

Far too often good people go unacknowledged…..Im going to change that. 

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Posted in Mission: Change the Mindset, NEWSFLASH: Im a bitch, so I have a heart and feelings...tell anyone and Ill kill you

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