Have you ever noticed how much bitch bitch bitch and how little I actually DO?
Yes, I’m fully aware I just called myself out…again.
It had to be done.
Quite frankly…I’m annoyed with myself running around in circles like a bipolar raped ape not knowing where Im going let alone where the fuck I WANT to be going…Sick of it!
I have had enough.
STOP RUNNING CC….sit the fuck down!
Time to do. What is it I’m doing now?
Creating MY OWN silver lining….it’s an amazing and rather useful technique I picked up over at GG.
I didn’t even know about this silver lining thingy…I just got used to my lil gray cloud looming over head.
Well guess what lil gray cloud….you’re getting a makeover suckah~
IN SMALL DOSES…this step thingy has turned into chapters Kadi….nice work…the public thanks you I’m sure ;)
Maybe it’s the way she can gracefully throw “craptastic” into a post….or maybe it’s the “poop”…MAYBE she’s my fairy Godmother…..whatever it is about Kadi….Im diggin it.
She speaks my language…more than just the cussing.
She makes sense and I’m usually provoked into a self improving challange.
Today she posted something that seriously could not have been more fitting for yours truely….
Alright so here goes…
The Making of this mama’s Silver Lining
Step One—Let it storm. Express your feelings instead of internalizing them
I internalize….ALOT.
I have opened up a bit since blogging but in Kadi’s post she tells about her friends taking on the storm WITH her.
I feel compelled to apologize to my bestie, Auntie.
I have been one ginormous pain in her ass when it comes to opening up….I am so sorry….
She used to feel like it was something personal, I couldn’t confide in her or something like that.
She’s known me long enough to know that is not the case.
I was too pissed off to tell her the whole story about Mr. Meth, I was too ashamed to tell her the whole story about the alcoholic and to terrified to tell her when I fell for someone because when it fell apart she would be there for me….expecting me to cry and then she’d cry and then I’d feel bad for making her cry!
I have ALWAYS felt like a burden to people.
I know that if April were here right now, she’d smack me in the back of the head and I’d deserve it.
I don’t feel burdened when my teary eyed friends come to me….I’m honored that they have come to me.
I know that my friends are not burdened by me and would never see me as such and yet I keep shit inside.
There was a time in my life….when I’d come home from work all stressed out and bitching that some old hag shit on my shoes AGAIN….which always escalated to an overdramatic high pitched hissy fit WITH arms flailing to emphasize just how pissed I am…and when I get *that* worked about shit…even when it’s about something ridiculous like poop on your shoe…I cry.
Why?
Fuck if I know…it’s annoying!
I still do it….although lately when I get all worked up I puke my fucking guts out…also annoying…
anywhoooo back in the days PRE meth, when I would get all good and worked up almost ready to explode… ’he’ would look at me with those gorgeous brown eyes, grin at me as he’d take my hand, pull me close, kiss me on the forehead (yes he was tall for an Asian), wrap his arms around me, tell me it’s gonna be alright and just hold me because ‘he’ understood that was all I really needed….just a good cry in loving arms.
INSERT RANDOM CONFESSION HERE:
(Im one of THOSE girls that wants to be held and FEEL the love…and Im one of those moody chicks that you can’t seem to figure out…the kind that frustrates the fuck out of a man only because he’s wasting his effort trying to figure out why Im crying…Im one of THOSE chicks that just needs to cry my soul clean sometimes…)
I remember the sense of relief that poured over me and how good it felt to just breathe…I miss that feeling, that sense of relief….I miss the trust and respect I once felt….the safety and security ‘his’ loving arms once provided….
Fuck.
Now there are tears on my laptop.
FUCK!
I *think* I may vomit…where’s my Xanax?!
Alright….pull it together lady.
F.U.C.K.
There…much better.
Screaming the effbomb is like therapy for me…get off my back.
I may miss the feelings that come from loving arms….but just because ‘he’ is not here to provide those feelings doesn’t mean I won’t feel them again…
Unless I keep pepper spraying anyone who comes to close…..
{hands over pepper spray}
Here, take it. But Im keeping my 9 just in case Im attacked by terrorists or a big ass bear….
it COULD happen you know…a bear like sleeping bag almost ate The Blogess once..I saw the pics…
It’s time to face the facts…..loving arms simply come from loving people…that has nothing to do with ‘him’….
taytay literally busted down the bathroom door where I was hosting my usual pity-party and FORCED me to cry it out WITH her there…bitch is aggressive…just sayin ;)
I tried to make her leave but she refused….I bawled my fucking eyes out on the bathroom floor with taytay holding me…even when I got snot on her sweater…THAT’S love.
April would totally bust down the door and leg wrestle me into tears….not only because she’s strangely good at leg wrestling….but because she loves me too…however, there are 4 hours between us these days so busting down the door is a bit more difficult…which is sort of a relief because I’m NOT kidding….she’s THAT good at leg wrestling.
The point is, I’ve learned something….
I’ve built these walls around me to keep the storms out but it turns out that I’ve only been keeping them in.
I can see the sun starting to peek through the walls I’ve worked so hard to build…..
I’m going to make this promise to MYSELF…
I WILL put more effort into taking the walls down than I did putting them up because I deserve to be loved.
I’m going to do this….not only for myself but for my 2 blogging BFF’s that I can’t physically hug…Mely and Jellie…
Single Parent Bloggers Rock;>
