Category Archives: you can blame @girlygazette for this

One for team #TMI

Posted on May 18, 2010 | 9 Comments

Well I have been seriously slacking on the #TMI Tuesday thing

What, there was like 2 #TMI Tuesdays and that was IT?

No more #TMI Tuesdays for the rest of time?!

Calm down.  Tuesdays, like most things, depend on my mood.

Today my mood is #TMI Tuesday

deal with it

~I have never seen any of the Karate Kid movies. None of them. My mom made us PLAY OUTSIDE

~If Clint Eastwood were to run for office….Id be his campaign groupie


Actually Im just looking for a reason to say things like “I reckon so” and “Get off my lawn”

~I think there should be a stimulus package for NOT reproducing like rabbits

A “thank you” for being reasonable and getting your tubes tied & fried

~I’m fairly certain BastardCat is snorting pixie sticks..or he has SunDowners

~Yesterday, I drank milk for the first time in 9 years. Still as gross as I recall

Today I drank another glass of milk. Still disgusting but allegedly good for me

~When Oprah retires…..

I think I should get her sofa…to share with a badass rockstarmama posse

(Like…The Bloggess, Danielle, MsSingleMama, Morgan, Kadi, Mely, Jellie

and KatVonD


simply because she fucking rocks)

and a few dudes that are NOT dinks…

I bet we could change the world

~I currently own 2 (yeah TWO) pair of jeans. I hate shopping.

~I have a sister (who ROCKS) 18 years younger than me…her mother…..was my 6th grade teacher

~I spent $67 on hair conditioner today and just because I’m worth it…the shit is DA BOMB

~My favorite “date” thus far was a sunny afternoon in the fall….porch swinging…..

~My first concert ever–Prince. That little fucker can MOVE….holy shit balls…that was a great show.

~Yesterday, Bastardcat started his boxing career.

In the bathroom


~IF I could reproduce……Dierks would SO be my next baby daddy








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Step 3–Lessons learned

Posted on March 30, 2010 | 8 Comments

The only true failure in life is to NOT learn from it’s lessons. 

I’ve been more than open with my mistakes but I’ve been rather vague when it comes to what exactly I’ve learned. 

Kinda makes ya wonder if I really learned anything at all….makes me wonder. 

This is my way of proving MYSELF wrong. HahA! Take that self!

I’ve lived and now, I acknowledge what I’ve learned along the way…the jagged, gravel covered…sometimes shards of glass covered way of MY life. 

 

1:  I deserve to loved

2:  Being knockered is NOT a valid reason to get married.  I’m not expert, but I *think* love should be involved required.

3:  Surviving it doesnt make it okay

4:  METH is BAD…even if you’re not the one using it…you’re going to feel it

5:  I’m incredibly strong when pushed against the wall…try to kill me and I swear I’ll terminate your parental rights

6:  There is no end to a mothers love

7:  I’m incredibly loyal and when I love, I love with all my heart….I EXPECT ‘him’ to do the same

8:  Never, ever get involved with anyone who is “almost” single.  Sign the fucking divorce papers BEFORE ya dip your dinky.

9:  I’m a mother…I’m a survivor….there is no end to how far I will go to protect my child…don’t fucking push me…bullshit is not tolerated

10:  I have a shitton of love in me to give to someone, somewhere, someday….

11:  Somewhere there is a worthy love for me and my girl

12:  Happily ever afters dont just fall in your lap….so get up and move your ass chicka

13:  I am NOT cut out for pregnancy. I refuse to reproduce.

14:  I have some really fanfuckingtastic friends….LET THEM IN

15:  “This above all; to thine own self be true”

And the best part is knowing that I’m still learning everyday…I’m able to continue learning and for that…I’m grateful

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Step 2-Let go….

Posted on March 28, 2010 | 3 Comments

I’ve been reading, rethinking, and re-evaluating life, love and it’s many mysteries.

The last few weeks have been a real eye opener for me.

 I hit a brick wall of depression & anxiety that crumbled around me smothering any sign of light.

I sank into a puddle of panic.

 I said mean things…I said things that I didn’t mean.

The cloud of depression consumed me, the lies of depression and the echos of his voice filled my head..telling me that I’m just far to damaged to be ever be loved…telling me I deserved to be alone…telling me the PIT would have been better off without me…and I believed every poisonous words.

It felt like I was back in the clutches of the alcoholic and his hateful words were replaying over and over.

Lies…all I could hear were the lies….I’ve never felt so alone…. I’m done.

 Done torturing myself. Done listening to the horse shit lies he left behind.

Seriously, taking a step back and looking at this…even just the past year alone…looking back on the blogs and when I’ve been and what I’ve been through…I did not survive this far just to turn around and fall to the painful memories left behind of love gone wrong….of drunken assclowns talking shit and the lies left behind.

  I may have forgotten for a brief moment…but I’m pretty fucking fabulous. 

So here’s the deal. 

I’ve been beating myself up over the fact that I managed to get trapped with an abusive alcoholic and that my daughter is aware that he hurt me….alot.

I felt like a failure in her eyes. 

Then when I thought about it…would I think my mother was a failure if the situation was turned around?

Would I think she failed me because a man hurt her?

Um, fuck no. 

Why?

 Because my mother would keep on keepin on with her head held high. 

So why would I expect the PIT to see me as a failure?

  Because in the back of my mind I hear him telling me Im a failure and that I always will be and that my daughter will hate me for what I’ve put her through?

Maybe….time to drown that motherfuckers voice outta my head then. 

I know that my daughter won’t hate me for what I’ve done….because I haven’t done anything besides live and learn….and the only way that I could ever fail her is to give up. 

 I will never give up. 

 I’ve come too far not to succeed now.

  I may have made more mistakes than advances along the way but I keep going…I keep learning as I go. 

I keep going because in my heart I know that there is happiness and love out there for me and a suitable ‘dad’ for the PIT….I am worthy of that….WE are worthy of that. 

 I may be hard to handle but that’s only because I expect a man to be strong, patient and loving… not because I’m damaged.

  Damaged people are dangerous after all…..we KNOW we can survive…..I’ve more than done that. 

 MORE than done that…..I’m fucking exhausted quite frankly. 

Time to take a moment and remember just what it is I’m doing here. 

 I’m not just living MY life, Im setting an example for HERS. 

Forgiveness is a lesson I want my girl to know….I want her to know that even when you fuck up REALLY bad….it’s not THAT bad as long as you learn and grow for each fuck up. 

She will know this because I am teaching this to her…I’m forgiving myself for misplacing my loyalties and love. 

I’m washing my hands of the anger….letting the painful words flow into the wind…brushing the dirt off my shoulders and polishing up my tiara. 

 

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Weak and easily manipulated…the continued effort of Step 2

Posted on March 28, 2010 | 2 Comments

When a Tupac song would come on the radio, I would crank the radio and proclaim “I love this song!”

To which he (the alcoholic)  would reply “You would” with a look of disgust. 

Anytime I showed the slightest interest in anything he would piss on it. 

I learned to shut up quickly. 

I was freshly divorced with a baby, in a new city, trying to make a fresh start yet still shaken from the nasty taste the Book of Meth left behind….bitter. 

I thought that surviving that was pretty frickin amazing…I felt tough…but the foundation was still weak and easily manipulated. 

The foundation being: ME.  Weak and easily manipulated. 

Not words I generally like to associate with myself but in order to be true to myself…..I need to admit it. 

I slipped. 

I lost the upper hand and the fucker smacked me with it repeatedly. 

 Not mentioning the 3 years I spent weak and easily manipulated is not going to change what happened. 

I have to forgive myself for being weak & manipulated or I’ll never be as strong as I need to be to do anything. 

 Several weeks ago it was brought to my attention just how important it is to forgive myself…let this shit go and finally move on…if  I don’t…the lies of depression and the echo of his vicious words will always bring me to my knees. 

I wish I could say that his words only ever hurt me but I cannot.  That’s what I have the hardest time forgiving myself for….he hurt my mother and my daughter with those hateful words…he hurt the 2 people that mean the world to me and I feel like a complete & total failure for letting that happen. 

The PIT called him “dad” for most of those 3 years even though I persistently corrected her. 

Since we left, the only time she has ever mentioned him is one morning after we first moved into our own place, a couple next door was arguing loudly and the PIT heard them as we walked by. 

She looked at me with those big brown eyes and said “Mama.  I’m really glad that daddy doesn’t yell at you like that anymore” and then she smooched the back of my hand she was holding. 

That’s when it became clear to me just how much she was picking up on. 

She was very aware that this asshole had hurt me….a lot. 

To this day she doesn’t mention him at all…idk if she remembers calling him dad or not…she knows that he is not her father…she knows her father is Lao. 

 I feel like I failed my daughter by not leaving sooner…not fighting back harder….for getting trapped. 

 How do I forgive myself for that?

I thought I could maintain the upper hand and this would be a short relationship. 

 It didn’t take long for his temper to show….sober or not. 

 I knew I had to get out before it got out of hand….I never had any feelings for him. 

I thought maybe I could at first…he was nice, the PIT loved him (who knows why) and he put on a good show. 

 When fewer people were looking however, his show took a wicked turn. 

The plan was to move the PIT & myself into our own apartment as soon as I had the money saved up. 

I was walking a very thin line financially and was one false move away from losing everything I had worked to get back post Mr. Meth. 

When he drank he was a complete asshole. 

That came through in a hurry. 

Unfortunately, my finances couldn’t keep up and before I knew it he had totaled MY car with a fabulous DWI and was calling me collect from jail DEMANDING that I come pick him up IMMEDIATELY. 

Ah, ok. How am I going to do that? You totaled my car.

He did not care how I did it but he screamed at me to get it fucking done NOW. 

He screamed at me all the time, I thought I had become numb to it but looking back I see that I wasn’t numb at all…I felt every cut of every word…no I wasn’t numb…I was USED to it. 

I was used to being called a chink loving whore, a worthless bitch, slut..I was used to being reminded that I had fucked up and so basically….I deserved this.

Plus he “never hit me with a closed fist” for which I assume I was supposed to be grateful for. 

 I’m not. 

 If he would have just punched me I could have punched him back. 

He didn’t….he was much more subtle about it….he never left any visible marks. 

 By the time I was able to get my shit together and leave him I was also a firm believer that I deserved every ounces of misery I endured. 

Weak and easily manipulated…….how do I forgive myself for that?

 How do I make sure that I don’t let that happen again……without keeping them at bay or self destructing into a self loathing ball of anger screaming

 “GET AWAY FROM ME I DON’T DESERVE TO BE HAPPY”. 

How the fuck am I ever going to love again if I can’t do this?

 I need a smoke break…..fuck.

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Step 2….Im only putting my pinky toe into step 2 for now…

Posted on March 26, 2010 | 3 Comments

Step 2:  LET GO.

Not a new concept. I’ve tried it a few times…but I always failed

Not this time baby

If you ask me I think I have more than earned the right to hate my meth addicted he-whoreing ex-husband. 

I have that right….but I don’t have to use it.

I have the right to forgive but I’ve haven’t used it either

I feel like forgiving Mr Meth is like saying is ok and it is SO not ok.

There’s no reason to tell that tale again….I wrote it a year ago…I got it out….I’m not going there today.

I read something last night that hit me like a Mac truck

“Forgiveness is to set a prisoner free and to realize the prisoner was you”

I’m just going to leave it at that for now….let the words marinate in my mind and absorb into my soul….so that I can finally forgive MYSELF.

 

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As usual, steps have turned into chapters

Posted on March 25, 2010 | 7 Comments

Have you ever noticed how much bitch bitch bitch and how little I actually DO?

Yes, I’m fully aware I just called myself out…again.

It had to be done.

Quite frankly…I’m annoyed with myself running around in circles like a bipolar raped ape not knowing where Im going let alone where the fuck I WANT to be going…Sick of it!

I have had enough.

STOP RUNNING CC….sit the fuck down!

Time to do.  What is it I’m doing now? 

Creating MY OWN silver lining….it’s an amazing and rather useful technique I picked up over at GG.

I didn’t even know about this silver lining thingy…I just got used to my lil gray cloud looming over head. 

Well guess what lil gray cloud….you’re getting a makeover suckah~

IN SMALL DOSES…this step thingy has turned into chapters Kadi….nice work…the public thanks you I’m sure ;)

 

Maybe it’s the way she can gracefully throw “craptastic” into a post….or maybe it’s the “poop”…MAYBE she’s my fairy Godmother…..whatever it is about Kadi….Im diggin it. 

 She speaks my language…more than just the cussing. 

She makes sense and I’m usually provoked into a self improving challange.

Today she posted something that seriously could not have been more fitting for yours truely….

Alright so here goes…

 

The Making of this mama’s Silver Lining

Step One—Let it storm. Express your feelings instead of internalizing them

I internalize….ALOT. 

 I have opened up a bit since blogging but in Kadi’s post she tells about her friends taking on the storm WITH her.  

 I feel compelled to apologize to my bestie, Auntie. 

I have been one ginormous pain in her ass when it comes to opening up….I am so sorry…. 

 She used to feel like it was something personal, I couldn’t confide in her or something like that. 

She’s known me long enough to know that is not the case.

  I was too pissed off to tell her the whole story about Mr. Meth, I was too ashamed to tell her the whole story about the alcoholic and to terrified to tell her when I fell for someone because when it fell apart she would be there for me….expecting me to cry and then she’d cry and then I’d feel bad for making her cry!

I have ALWAYS felt like a burden to people. 

 I know that if April were here right now, she’d smack me in the back of the head and I’d deserve it.

I don’t feel burdened when my teary eyed friends come to me….I’m honored that they have come to me. 

 I know that my friends are not burdened by me and would never see me as such and yet I keep shit inside.

There was a time in my life….when I’d come home from work all stressed out and bitching that some old hag shit on my shoes AGAIN….which always escalated to an overdramatic high pitched hissy fit WITH arms flailing to emphasize just how pissed I am…and when I get *that* worked about shit…even when it’s about something ridiculous like poop on your shoe…I cry. 

Why?

Fuck if I know…it’s annoying!

I still do it….although lately when I get all worked up I puke my fucking guts out…also annoying…

anywhoooo back in the days PRE meth,  when I would get all good and worked up almost ready to explode… ’he’ would look at me with those gorgeous brown eyes, grin at me as he’d take my hand, pull me close, kiss me on the forehead (yes he was tall for an Asian), wrap his arms around me, tell me it’s gonna be alright and just hold me because ‘he’ understood that was all I really needed….just a good cry in loving arms.

INSERT RANDOM CONFESSION HERE:

(Im one of THOSE girls that wants to be held and FEEL the love…and Im one of those moody chicks that you can’t seem to figure out…the kind that frustrates the fuck out of a man only because he’s wasting his effort trying to figure out why Im crying…Im one of THOSE chicks that just needs to cry my soul clean sometimes…)

I remember the sense of relief that poured over me and how good it felt to just breathe…I miss that feeling, that sense of relief….I miss the trust and respect I once felt….the safety and security ‘his’ loving arms once provided….

Fuck.

Now there are tears on my laptop. 

FUCK!

I *think* I may vomit…where’s my Xanax?!  

Alright….pull it together lady.

F.U.C.K. 

There…much better.

  Screaming the effbomb is like therapy for me…get off my back.

 

I may miss the feelings that come from loving arms….but just because ‘he’ is not here to provide those feelings doesn’t mean I won’t feel them again…

Unless I keep pepper spraying anyone who comes to close…..

{hands over pepper spray}

 Here, take it. But Im keeping my 9 just in case Im attacked by terrorists or a big ass bear….

it COULD happen you know…a bear like sleeping bag almost ate The Blogess once..I saw the pics…

 

It’s time to face the facts…..loving arms simply come from loving people…that has nothing to do with ‘him’….

taytay literally busted down the bathroom door where I was hosting my usual pity-party and FORCED me to cry it out WITH her there…bitch is aggressive…just sayin ;)

I tried to make her leave but she refused….I bawled my fucking eyes out on the bathroom floor with taytay holding me…even when I got snot on her sweater…THAT’S love. 

 April would totally bust down the door and leg wrestle me into tears….not only because she’s strangely good at leg wrestling….but because she loves me too…however, there are 4 hours between us these days so busting down the door is a bit more difficult…which is sort of a relief because I’m NOT kidding….she’s THAT good at leg wrestling.

The point is, I’ve learned something….

I’ve built these walls around me to keep the storms out but it turns out that I’ve only been keeping them in.

I can see the sun starting to peek through the walls I’ve worked so hard to build…..

I’m going to make this promise to MYSELF…

I WILL put more effort into taking the walls down than I did putting them up because I deserve to be loved.

I’m going to do this….not only for myself but for my 2 blogging BFF’s that I can’t physically hug…Mely and Jellie…

 

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Posted in Journey to find....me, Mission: Change the Mindset, so I have a heart and feelings...tell anyone and Ill kill you, someday I'll be *normal*, you can blame @girlygazette for this

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How to scoop your driveway with a 9 month old strapped to your chest.

Posted on March 21, 2010 | 11 Comments

Yeah ok that was a trick title. 

This post will NOT teach you how to scoop your driveway with a baby strapped to your chest because its a BAD idea.

This post may however, make you stop and think…..

Do you ever just help someone out simply because you can?

Have you ever wondered what kind of people you might be helping by paying it forward?

People like me…

Have you ever tried to shovel your snow packed driveway with a 9 month old in a snowsuit strapped to your chest because if you leave her in the house alone you can’t see her…and what if she gets into the draino that you have up in the highest cupboard babyproofed and all but still WHAT IF?!?

 Or what if your psycho ex tries to steal her when you’re not looking AGAIN.

No?   Really?

 I’m the only one that has attempted to shovel a driveway with a baby strapped to em?!

FML..aka the Book of Meth

**I also tried to mow the lawn with her then 3-4 month old butt strapped to me.  It got very hot considering I had to cover her so lawn chunks wouldn’t land on her and I’m a dumbass and cover her with a blanket and I almost die from the heat of a July sun, a squirmy baby, a gawddamn blanket and a push mower.**

Not my best ideas but really wtf else is a single mom with a house that needs upkeep supposed to do?

Hire someone?

With what?

My food stamps?!

I’m broke-hiring someone is not an option.

It was still snowing and blowing one cold winter day..so much that I couldn’t take the PIT out there even in her snowsuit, but yet I had to get the driveway clear enough to get to work.

I strapped her in her car seat and set her in front of the door so I could see her and when I couldn’t see her I’d scoop & check, scoop & check…and then cry.

 I remember thinking “this is ridiculous.”

I was exhausted.

Working full time at the hospital till midnight, taking care of a baby, a house, and watching my back for my psycho ex was wearing me the fuck out.

I think I made like 1.25 ft of progress in my scoop & check attempts when they showed up.

They were Desi & Adam.

 Desi was my savior…she was my neighbor, the PITs babysitter and a genuine friend.

Desi & Adam were in my driveway with a snowblower ready and willing to save me & my tiny twig arms from the obnoxiously heavy snow.

Desi was the one I could ALWAYS count on.

Desi doesn’t blog or I would have given her a #betterbasket.  Instead I decided to share just how awesome she is:)

There’s never been a single time Desi left me hanging and as any struggling single mama can tell you…..that is one thing you need the most.

Desi helped me in the most fuc*ked up years of my life…..not because she had to but simply because she could.  She was able and most of all–she cared.  She saw me struggling and OFFERED me a helping hand.

  I will never forget the day that Desi & Adam showed up with the snowblower…or the sense of…”Oh thank God..a break!” that washed over me as I went back in the house, unbundled myself, unstrapped the PIT and we snuggled up together….

Desi, I know that I have told you thank you several thousand times.  Its still not enough…there is no way I could ever explain to you how grateful I am. 

The best that I can do is teach the PIT to pay it forward the way that you always have done. 

You my dear Desi….are an inspiration to me.  

I do teach the PIT to pay it forward in everything she does and I must say….the kid is damn good at it.

Her genuine kindness shows in all she does….I KNOW that I did not teach her that on my own.

She’s learned it by living on both sides of the fence. 

The PIT goes to a volunteer group at school and the group goes to the local food shelf…she LOVES going there because she knows she is helping people. 

What she doesnt know is that sometimes….the people she’s helping…is me. 

Does she need to know that there are times when we would have no food if it werent for the food shelves? 

I dont think so….all she needs to know is that she is helping and doing good. 

She’s happiest when she is helping others.  

That’s what happens when you pay it forward…..kids catch on…teach them well~
 

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Posted in and then theres this kinda shit, so I have a heart and feelings...tell anyone and Ill kill you, you can blame @girlygazette for this

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Hershey’s Better Basket Blog Hop

Posted on March 21, 2010 | 3 Comments

“HERSHEY’S BETTER BASKET BLOG HOP” RULES:  

 

* Copy and paste these rules to your blog post.<–Check.  

* Create a blog post of giving a virtual Easter Basket to another blogger – you
can give as many Virtual Baskets as you want.<–Check.

**Posts related to #betterbasket and paying it forward are here..

Paying it forward & a single mama

The Spirit of Giving

Now….It is my pleasure to give a basket to my best blogging friends… 

*JellieBraden my blogging bff…I admire your strength, courage and I am so grateful to call you my friend 

*girlygazette my online home away from home…my daily addiction…my “getcher ass back in the ring girly” reminder….thank you Kadi & Danielle…..

*Gina just cuz I friggin love your guts that’s why 

*momma2kmhs her story, her strength….amazing…she’s always got my back and truely a genuine caring spirit  

 

*Copy this code and paste it into the HTML of your post or in your sidebar: 

—I have no idea how to share the code ok…Im pretty much clueless over here…I honestly don’t know how I even managed to get the basket to show up! 

Photobucket   

* Link back to person who gave you an Easter Basket.<–Check.  

Thank you @JellieBraden!

* Let each person you are giving a Virtual Easter Basket know you have given them
a Basket.<–Check..almost…Im on it! 

* Leave your link at http://betterbasket.info/bloghop/
where you can also find the official rules of this #betterbasket blog hop and more
information about Better Basket with Hershey’s.  <-Fine

* Hershey’s is donating 10$ per each blog participating to the Better Basket Blog
Hop to Children’s Miracle Network (up to total of $5,000 by blog posts written
by April 4th, 2010).<–YAY!!

 

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Paying it forward & a singlemama

Posted on March 18, 2010 | 5 Comments

My lady friends over at GirlyGazette have done it YET again.

They introduced me to #betterbasket and “Paying it Forward”

They’ve also reminded me to smile more :)

There is a great post over at GirlyGazette about this #betterbasket business that you should really get in on.

I wanted to share an example of #betterbasket, paying it forward and just what that means to this singlemama.

This is the first of many–

There are days I look back and I think “How the hell did you manage to survive THAT?!”

The answer is always the same….survival as a single mother isnt an option….its a requirement.

I’ve managed to get by with my jagged edges, foul mouth, *slight* attitude and hard work.

All of which would have been completely wasted because there most certainly were dark days that I saw NO good in this world…certain that I CAN and I WILL get by ON MY OWN and I most certainly do not NEED anyone…certain that the world is out to get me…..certain that NOONE is going to just help me out and not want something from me.

Dark days of hating the world lead to even darker nights of hating yourself.

That fierce certainty of the day is no match for the lonely, empty and dark nights.

The truth is the only way that I’ve survived this far is because of the kindness of friends, neighbors and even strangers.

Do you have any idea how it feels to think “Omg..I’m SO screwed. There is NO way out.”

Then  out of nowhere…BAM….a random act of kindness comes along and slaps you in the mouth?

It makes your knees weak.  AWESOMENESS….This I know.

As far back as 8 years ago when the PIT was a new born and I was suddenly a methwidow….all the way up until today.

Random acts of kindness, people paying it forward…..honestly saved me from myself.

Like this one…..

One bitterly cold January morning (somewhere in the book of meth) I was loading up the car for laundry day.

That meant packing 4 laundry baskets, a baby in her car seat, her diaper bag and myself into the car and driving to grammas house which was only 7 miles away so it wasn’t terrible…plus I was always ensured a hot home cooked meal on laundry day….AND….grammas washer & dryer didnt need quarters.

I tried to give my gramma $3 once for letting me do my laundry there and she told me to blow it out my ass…that my money was no good and that my company was more than enough to cover the “cost” of my laundry.

Thank you gramma!

As I was loading the last basket into the car the woman from across the street…whom I’d only met twice in passing….came over and said

“I see you do this all the time.  You’ve got your hands full.”

“Yes indeed” I replied.

Then she went on to say “I’m getting a new washer & dryer delivered this afternoon and I was wondering if I could just have the movers take the old ones, that still work just fine, and just bring them over here?”

I just stood there all confused…..”Over here? Like in my house?”

I must have had the “i cant afford this” look on my face because she replied

“Mhmm. They still work and I’d like to give them to you because I know that you can use them.”

Two things she said struck me….

1-’give’ so like for free right?

2-’use them’…you didnt say need them you said use them….why did that matter?

Because she was not only being incredibly kind and generous but she wasn’t making me feel like I was a needy burden.

She knew that I would be just fine going to grammas but she also knew how much I could use a washer & dryer of my own and how grateful I would be.

She grinned and gave me a hug as I cried….I couldnt even say ‘yes’ or ‘thank you’…I just cried, my knees were weak and it felt like someone had just taken me by the hand and helped me because they understood…I just needed a break.

When you’re a single mom you can find yourself screaming “I JUST CANT SEEM TO CATCH A BREAK!!”

Perhaps thats why Im so grateful…nobody owes me anything….and that kind of genuine goodness of people sneaks in on a dark day and reminds you that you are not alone….even when you’re certain you are.

It is certainly why I teach the PIT the importance of paying it forward in her own little ways…


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It’s TMI Tuesday

Posted on March 16, 2010 | 4 Comments

 It’s TMI Tuesday and Danielle from GirlyGazette is currently in “early labor” which pretty much sucks because by this time you are SO done sharing your uterus that you really cannot wait to get this kid the fuck out. 

 Or maybe thats just me…idk….it doesn’t matter…the point is–since Danielle is in labor & it’s TMI Tuesday I’ve decided to share with you my own labor story. 

 Luckys ;)

 

Picture it….my world…a fairly nice April night 8 years ago….

It had been a long day and I was rather pissy after confronting the cuntnugget whore “just friend” slut that my then husband was boning. 

 *see the book of meth for details*

I had made it to 39 1/2 weeks which was rather impressive considering by 26 weeks I was in preterm labor. 

Apparently, being 90% effaced at that stage in the game is not cool.

  I’m not going to lie, at the time I was like “What the fuck is effaced even mean?!”

I guess I only knew how to get the baby in there up until this point.  Brilliant I know. 

They kept telling me that when I go into labor “its gonna be fast”…..

Ummmmm how fast we talkin doc? Like is it gonna slip out when I sneeze?! How FAST?! And what the hell is effaced?! What the fuck is going on here?!

Panic sets in…”Im in over my head doc” the look on his face was clear “Yeah well…too fuckin bad. You’re birthing a child from your loins so deal..”

Fine.

 I did deal…I did my research and when I was put on bedrest, I constantly harrassed the nurses I had worked with because suddenly…I KNEW NOTHING. 

The goal was to make until 36 weeks and if the kid hadn’t flipped into position yet, the doctors were going to turn her….like from the fucking OUTSIDE! WTF?! Owww!

I am not kidding you–I was scheduled for this baby flipping procedure at 8am and the PIT flipped at midnight the night before….just as All My Children started. 

 It was the most freaky disgusting feeling ever PLUS I could see the thing move….FREAKED ME OUT. 

 But at least I wasnt going to need the procedure! 

At 37 weeks they said that if I went into labor they wouldnt stop it this time…I was ok to go. 

Week 38 passed without so much as a gawddamn comtraction.

  Week 39 STILL no baby….

Tuesday night of week 39 is when I “ran into” the blonde bitch…still NO baby.

WTF?! You’ve been trying to slip out WEEKS and now that you CAN you WONT?!

 Holy fuck….this is SO my kid.

My “plan” was to give it a little push to get rolling. 

Ok fine. It wasnt a plan. 

 It was a bad idea that tasted really nasty but totally worked. 

 I drank castor oil mixed with fruit punch….which tasted like licking lipstick…YUCK….I waited for a bit….nothing. 

 Fuck.

 By now it was almost midnight and I was tired so I said “fuck it” and went to bed. 

 I never even into the bedroom. 

Suddenly I hauled my pregnant ass to the bathroom and puked my everloving guts out. 

 Do you have any idea what fruit punch castor oil tastes like coming up?!

IT BURNS…..BOTH ends. 

Well that heave was enough to start contractions. 

Now all I had to do was locate this fuckwad I was married to…who also had the car.  Just like any other mom in labor has to do Im sure….

I located him & my car thus arriving at the hospital around 1am. 

 Keep in mind that I had worked at this very hospital for years prior to this bedrest incident…

I walk in holding my gut, bend over, CLEARLY in pain and CLEARLY pregnant when I was greeted by the receptionist at the ER who said “How can I help you?”

I believe my EXACT words were “Are you fucking kidding me?!

and then I called her a not so nice name and told her to call 3rd floor because “IM IN LABOR and NOONE is touching me until I get that epidural” so they better call Craig like NOW….

and waddled my ass up to 3rd floor totally blowing off the receptionist who was all like

“Maam I need to see you insurance card” and Im like “Bitch youre going to see a child fall out of my vagina..I DONT HAVE TIME FOR THIS SHIT!!!” 

I honestly have no idea who this girl was and I dont think she was working there anymore by the time I came back from maturnity leave come to think of it….

I got up to 3rd floor where the nurses were waiting and then they were like “Where is your wheelchair?! Why are you walking around?!” like I really have time to be scolded right now!

“Is Craig here yet?” I snapped

“Craig?! Anesthesia Craig?” the nurse asked

“No. Craig Ferguson. OF COURSE anesthesia Craig! Noone is touching me until Im numb!”

“Oh settle down” she replied

Damnit…fine. Not like I could do must else!

Craig came to save the day shortly after that….and I really didnt let anyone anywhere near my cervix until he was there. 

 Im not kidding…I was THAT patient.   I wonder why those nurses even talk to me anymore?!

I’m sitting on the edge of my bed…leaning my head on the nurses shoulder as they put the epidural in place….I was still sitting there when the fucking thing DIDNT WORK!

I’m freaking out thinking…no…KNOWING that the pain of birth was going to kill me. 

They asked me if I wanted a second attempt. 

 If you’re asking me if I WANT you to poke me in the spine with that 30 foot needle again then the answer is hell yes. 

 Bring it. 

They brought it…Im still sitting there propped up on a nurse bawling because I just knew it wasnt going to work and I was going to fucking die. 

I didnt die BUT the chick that was with my in the delivery room…the friend who had already had 3 kids so shes a pro at this…passed the fuck out when she watched em poke me again. 

Still propped up and bawling I scream “OMG pick her up! Shes pregnant too!” 

Mhmm…an epidural that may or may not work on what has got to be the craziest patient EVER and a pregnant friend on the floor passed out cold. 

I couldnt even make this shit up if I wanted to! 

More nurses come in to help…they picked my friend up and tended to her just to make sure she & her baby were ok while the nurse I was propped on helped me back into bed to lay down….on my side. 

 Why?

 Well because the 2nd epidural worked….ON ONE SIDE. 

 Seriously….what.the.fuck. 

I was traumatized by the whole ordeal. 

Alright…not traumatized just seriously annoyed.

Laying on my side did help and after a while I was good and numb on both sides. 

 I was good and numb so I had no idea when I had to shit thanks to all that castor oil I drink like a fucking moron. 

 I apologize to all of my nurses….it *seemed* like a good plan at the time.

I was so flipping tired that I actually slept through most of my labor. 

 The nurse woke me up when it was time to push and I pushed twice….Im a bitch I know…sorry to all you women out there that have pushed for 2 or 3 HOURS only to have a c section anyway…

The actual “birth” was a breeze considering I felt NOTHING!

However, after the epidural was out I was certain there was still a babys head in my ass…..it wasnt…hemorrhoids really are a bitch! 

Sit, stand, sneeze…doesnt matter…you’re gonna feel it in your ass. 

 Just sayin….

For more possible giggles and shit you don’t need to know check out last weeks TMI Tuesday and You Shoulda Told Me…

 

 

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