Posted in BastardCat, Wordless wednesday
Tagged bastard cat, wordless wednesday, wtfwednesday
It’s Tuesday right? Let the TMI begin~
1) My cat’s name is Jake because I’ve been in love with Jake Ryan since the 80′s (he mostly answers to BastardCat but the PIT isn’t allowed to cuss yet)
2) I have pointed ears, like an elf. For reals
3) I’ve never traveled outside the US
4) I love going to the shooting range
5) I hate sushi (HATE it Robert..hate it. Ill just have rice next time)
6) I was a bridesmaid in a wedding and never showed up. (note to bridezillas: I’m not having it. Settle down, its a fucking wedding ok)
7) For the first time since turning 16, I’m unemployed
8) I think that facebook should stop suggesting I befriend whores that slept with my ex husband.
9) My favorite subject in school was skipping
10) I have 6 tattoos and the 7th is WAY past due
11) I refused to let the nurses check my cervix until I had an epidural (do not try this ladies…I worked with the nurses which is the ONLY reason they didn’t kill me. You should always listen to your nurses)
12) I still know all the words to the Davy Crockett theme song (it was my FAV as a kid)
13) I was named after a KISS song (born to rock bitches)
14) I once had a mans name tattooed on me (not my best decision….God bless a skillful coverup artist)
15) My last job gave me stress ulcers (note to self–calm the fuck down)
16) I was in a wedding a few weeks ago & showed up with my dress and only one shoe (last minute packing is a bad idea after all)
17) I quit my job weeks ago and JUST told my mom yesterday. I’m still terrified to disappoint her.
18) My greatest birthday EVER was spent with my bff, my auntie, her bff, the gay neighbor & a hott limo driver at a gay bar.
19) I used to want to be a teacher. Thank the good Lord I woke up from that nightmare!
20) I believe nurses work much harder and are far more valuable than most doctors
21) I hate being *this* skinny
22) I just had to use google to help the PIT with her homework (see what happens when your favorite subject is skipping)
23) I used to steal tomatoes from the ministers garden to throw at peoples houses when I was a kid (total punk, I know)
24) I shot a gun (under adult supervision) that literally, knocked me on my ass. All my dad said was “whatsa matter champ?” with a smirk. “Oh nothin, just your gun kicking my ass.”
25) When I asked dad what he used that big ass gun for and guessed “Rhinos?” he replied with “Nope. Terrorists.” and then we both had the smirk
Does he (The Hott Litigator) feel sorry for me and that’s his motive?
Nope.
He knows that I do not want or need pity. I want a partner to share my issues with…all of em..someone to share their not so many issues with.
When I’m drowning myself in my own worry, fear and doubt he doesn’t throw me over his shoulder and say “ok listen lady, time to buck up!”…he doesn’t run away thinking “she is way too much effort”, leaving me to my own device….
Instead, he listens to me whine, cuss and constantly complain…then he takes me by the hand and says “Ready when you are baby”
Something so seemingly simple is so perfectly fit for me, him and our (mostly mine) issues.
His smile melts my fears and calms my heart….his heartfelt and compassionate ways shower over me, awakening parts of my heart I’d thought I’d left behind years ago, buried beneath the rubble and tucked away forever…
He makes me *feel* again and I actually want to feel again which is huge considering I’ve become way too good at feeling nothing more than empty.
Weekend Update…..without Tina Fey
Fire, wine, cheese, chocolate cake and a man that adores me wrapped around me, not suffocating, not smothering….just enough wrap to make me feel as safe as I feel free
He’s a sport….watching my favorite TV obsessions, TruTv’s World’s Dumbest anything and of course…..DEXTER.
Hour after hour, he watches with me, never once complaining or asking “Is this crap over yet?”….knowing full well there are plenty of other shows (football games) he would rather watch (blood & guts is my thing…not so much the Hott Litigators) Yet, he endures hour after hour of me yelling “Just fucking SHOOT him” and “Oh holy shitballs Dexter!” never once letting go of me…..
Attentive, caring and compassionate….the Hott Litigator is truly more than I thought possible in a man…
Homemade dinner in which my only duty was to NOT move my ass off the sofa. Strict orders, or…he fears my kitchen fire ability?
“Don’t you even lift a finger” he tells me “I want to take care of you. This is your relax weekend, let me do this, please”
Normally I’d call bullshit and remind him that I do not need to be taken care of…but not this time….not with the Hott Litigator….he looks at me, I mean he really looks at me and makes me look him in the eyes (he’s onto my eye contact fear/issues and he’s chipping away at them ever so gently) I can feel it in the way that he looks at me….he truly wants to do these things, the little things, the big things, the fun things, the not so fun things….he wants to join me, not run me, run with me.
**The Hott Litigator will remain in limited detail..limited personal details. I’m the blogger, not him. I spill my details here..not anyone else’s. Be grateful for the few details you do get outta me:) His privacy will be respected here.**
@thebastardcat has decided to take his furry ass to school.
That or he’s a stow-away in the PIT’s backpack just waiting for the right moment to pop out and cause a kitty-ruckus….
Yeah, that is a kitty-ruckus-esq look for certain…..
Sometimes it feels like the world is closing in around me……holding me down and choking the life right outta me.
Sometimes I feel like I’m screaming for help at the top of my lungs, naked and on fire but noone even bats a lash.
Sometimes I just wanna flip the world the bird and ride off into the sunset.
Somethings gotta give or I’m gonna fucking explode.
The stress of work, debt, the kid, single parenting is making me insane, I’m allergic to life apparently.
So what. Im a RockStar and It’s my party so I’ll cry if I want to.
I love/hate/love/hate/love my job and the frustration of banging my effing head against a brick wall has become to be a lil too much for me. Mostly love my job but loath my “surroundings”
There are several things wrong with this –
I hate the fact that for some reason I’m the bad guy for expecting things to be done properly and efficently.
I’m not the problem here I’m simply the loudest.
And I cuss like a fuckin trucker….
I also carry my stress with me in a much different way than most. A far more exhausting way…I’m fucking beat…I need a break…just 5 minutes to catch my breath.
The stress of fighting an endless battle at a job that really isn’t worth it, is over. Physically ill due to the stress and anxiety caused by one stupid job is over.
I quit.
I resigned.
Enough is enough.
How many times was I going to let that job send me to the ER in a panic attack of pure frustration?! I LIKE things done accurately and properly. THAT is not a bad thing. Unless you’re lazy and set in your half ass ways that will one day bite you and your business in the ass. (just sayin)
With that stress over and almost behind me, I search for the strength to look to the future. One thing I know for certain, in this, the most uncertain time of my life post divorce, is that I am a survivor and I will find *my* happiness.
A special thanks to Morgan….her The Land between has been a *huge* help to me in the last few weeks as I went through a lil bit of a shitstorm :)
I need a minute to catch my breath. I think Em says it best at this point. He’s right. It is time to exercise these demons. Game on bitches~
I’m not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We’ll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you’re not alone
Holla if you feel that you’ve been down the same road
Yeah, It’s been a ride…
I guess I had to go to that place to get to this one
Now some of you might still be in that place
If you’re trying to get out, just follow me
I’ll get you there
You can try and read my lyrics off of this paper before I lay ‘em
But you won’t take this thing out these words before I say ‘em
Cause ain’t no way I’m let you stop me from causing mayhem
When I say ‘em or do something I do it, I don’t give a damn
What you think, I’m doing this for me, so fuck the world
Feed it beans, it’s gassed up, if a thing’s stopping me
I’mma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly
And all those who look down on me I’m tearing down your balcony
No if ands or buts don’t try to ask him why or how can he
From Infinite down to the last Relapse album he’s still shit’n
Whether he’s on salary, paid hourly
Until he bows out or he shit’s his bowels out of him
Whichever comes first, for better or worse
He’s married to the game, like a fuck you for christmas
His gift is a curse, forget the earth he’s got the urge
To pull his dick from the dirt and fuck the universe
I’m not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We’ll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you’re not alone
Holla if you feel that you’ve been down the same road
Ok quit playin’ with the scissors and shit, and cut the crap
I shouldn’t have to rhyme these words in the rhythm for you to know it’s a rap
You said you was king, you lied through your teeth
For that fuck your feelings, instead of getting crowned you’re getting capped
And to the fans, I’ll never let you down again, I’m back
I promise to never go back on that promise, in fact
Let’s be honest, that last Relapse CD was “ehhhh”
Perhaps I ran them accents into the ground
Relax, I ain’t going back to that now
All I’m tryna say is get back, click-clack BLAOW
Cause I ain’t playin’ around
There’s a game called circle and I don’t know how
I’m way too up to back down
But I think I’m still tryna figure this crap out
Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn’t
This fucking black cloud still follow’s me around
But it’s time to exercise these demons
These motherfuckers are doing jumping jacks now!
I’m not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We’ll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you’re not alone
Holla if you feel that you’ve been down the same road
And I just can’t keep living this way
So starting today, I’m breaking out of this cage
I’m standing up, Imma face my demons
I’m manning up, Imma hold my ground
I’ve had enough, now I’m so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now
It was my decision to get clean, I did it for me
Admittedly I probably did it subliminally for you
So I could come back a brand new me, you helped see me through
And don’t even realise what you did, believe me you
I been through the ringer, but they can do little to the middle finger
I think I got a tear in my eye, I feel like the king of
My world, haters can make like bees with no stingers, and drop dead
No more beef flingers, no more drama from now on, I promise
To focus soley on handling my responsibility’s as a father
So I solemnly swear to always treat this roof like my daughters and raise it
You couldn’t lift a single shingle on it
Cause the way I feel, I’m strong enough to go to the club
Or the corner pub and lift the whole liquor counter up
Cause I’m raising the bar, I shoot for the moon
But I’m too busy gazing at stars, I feel amazing and
I’m not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We’ll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you’re not alone
Holla if you feel that you’ve been down the same road
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Posted in Soundtrack of a SingleMomma
Tagged back to business bitches, change the mindset, depression, eminem, influences
Ya know how sometimes life hits ya with a shitbrick that knocks you on your ass and youre like “eh, well” and you get back up?
Im just going through a “Im not getting off the floor. Im going to lay here to die” phase.
Not to worry…I hate my ex far too much to risk him ever getting MY child ever.
And I just know there would be some happy ass save the world type that would be all “oh lets reunite this little girl with her meth addicted father” before Im even buried.
In a matter of days my world crumbled…..in a matter of moments I felt the air being sucked out of my lungs, the weight of my worries too heavy this time….In a matter of days…..I crumbled to what is sure to be my darkest ‘funk’ thus far.
My job, my once friends, my heart……not at all what I once thought.
It hurts to be wrong.
It hurts to be betrayed, lied to and shunned.
It sucks when reality sets in and you have to admit that you’re alone and you were so very wrong…….
but I always come back….eventually……
Posted in I rarely ever to never have anything nice to say...like right now, Journey to find....me, NEWSFLASH: Im a bitch, someday I'll be *normal*
Tagged daughter, depression, honest mom confession, hurt, i am my own worst enemy, Life, love, motherhood, self esteem, single parenting, stress, the "funk"
How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the ocean’s shapeless form
Water’s getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head
If I could just see you
Everything would be allright
If I’d see you
This darkness would turn to light
And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And know everything will be allright
And know everything is allright
I know you didn’t bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Because I’m so used to living underneath the surface
If I could just see you
Everything would be allright
If I’d see you
This darkness would turn to light
And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And know everything will be allright
And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And know everything will be allright
And know everything is allright
Everything is allright
Everything is allright
I’ve been a single mom since the start.
I say that all the time but it never sank in just how long that’s been.
The PIT will be 8 1/2 next month.
That’s 8 1/2 years that I’ve been alone….that’s longer that I was with Mr Meth.
For 8 1/2 years I’ve been in survival mode and I have survived.
My daughter is healthy, happy, smart and way to damn clever for her own good.
I have enjoyed every second watching that girl grow into an amazing little person, and she truly is an amazing being.
I love being a mother.
Then why have I been so unhappy lately?
Because, low and behold, I am more than a mother.
I am ME….a person that I’ve set aside day after day…mostly so I don’t have to face my fears.
My misery outside of motherhood has taken it’s toll on me. I’ve come to a point in my life where something has to give, something has to change.
Something is going to change and for once….I’m not afraid.
“Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.”
— Dave Barry
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