*It*.
What is *it*?
*It* is my mood and my need and desire to Change the mindset.
I’ve been saying that quite frequently….sort of as a self reminder.
I’m pissy by nature…and partly by genetics.
For me “looking on the bright side” is a daily chore.
I automatically assume that doom is looming around every turn…paranoid it feels like the world is out to get me….thinking happily ever afters don’t happen for people like me.
So to actually take a step back and take a moment to change how I think, act and approach the world takes a conscious effort.
I don’t know if you would call *it* depression…I’ve always felt gloomy but when the PIT was born and the my ‘husband’ was smoking meth I was a bit overwhelmed and at that point in my life, depression was defiantly sucking the life outta me.
I went to the doctors to address this…post partum/mood disorder/constant bitchy mood thing.
At the time the doc said it was most likely post partum depression, gave me some phone numbers to local counselors and a prescription for a very low dose antidepressant that also helped with migraines…mostly it helped with the headaches but the constant gloom and doom was still there.
I figured that was just my normal state of mind.
It sucked. I sucked. My life sucked.
It’s becoming apparent the PIT is picking up on her mother’s negative outlook on pretty much everything.
In most recent years I’ve found a doc that doesn’t annoy the piss outta me and is actually helpful.
I think he said it best at our first appointment.
DOC: “it’s not so much ‘depression’ as it is a mood disorder”
ME: “soooo. Basically. I’m a bitch?”
DOC: “basically”
ME: “shit”
DOC: “I know right? It’s completely manageable though. If you want to”
ME: “damnit. I want to want to but I don’t feel like it”
DOC: “stop saying that. That’s not a valid reason”
ME: “what the shit?!?”
DOC: “it’s not a valid answer if you’re going to manage your moods.”
ME: “Frick. That makes sense. FINE! I’ll consider it”
I did indeed consider it.
I’ve been trying to make an effort daily to slow down and take a moment to change the mindset.
It’s hard!
I have to do it alot!
I’m so much better at being pissy.
But I don’t want to watch my little girl grow up to be a pissy bitch.
The PIT has recently been super emotional, extra whiny and borderline kardashian obnoxious over the most minor details.
Sometimes I think “ok, she’s overtired”….”she’s getting sick”…..”She probably does miss her whatever“…all of which are true.
Regardless if she’s sick, tired or just being a punk– the all-out mini meltdowns are becoming too much.
She went to lunch and spent the afternoon with a friend while I got my hair did.
When I picked her up she told me all about her day and all the crazy stuff the hippies cat did….and then she said
“I cried at lunch today”
ME: “you did?” I asked “how come?”
PIT: “do you have any idea how much I missed you?!?” she shrieked at me
with her little arms up in the air like “WTF”
Not sure how to respond to this I just looked at her
ME: “I wasn’t going to be gone long…you said you wanted to stay here”.
Nice jackass.
It occurred to me–I do that alot–”you said you wanted this“…so in her simple little mind I’m telling her what?
It’s her own fault.
Holy hell.
I’m doing it.
I’m teaching her to be pissed at herself–it’s her own fault she missed me, she wanted to stay here.
*sigh*
I don’t know what the hell I’m doing here.
Doesn’t matter, there’s a little girl counting on me to figure it out…at least enough to not screw her up too terribly.
”I really missed you too” I said as I sat down next to her.
ME: “it was a really long day without you. I missed my lil chatterboxSally!”
I tickled her chin and she giggled.
“when I miss you most….like when I’m at work at stuff, I close my eyes and think about ‘that’ giggle…it makes me giggle and before I know it….it’s
time to go pick you up!”
PIT: “but you don’t giggle when I pinch your chin” my lil gray cloud with big brown eyes said
ME: “I know. But it’s fun for both of us when you giggle. It doesn’t matter whose chin gets pinched. It matters that we laugh…together.”
PIT: “But I missed you more.”
ME: “But I missed you most”
PIT: “But I missed you more than mostest”
ME: “I missed you all the way to the moon”
PIT: “I missed you to the moon and back!”
{She loves that line; it’s from her favorite book “Guess How Much I Love you”. By the time she could read we had the book memorized.}
Both giggling at the silly competition of who misses who most the PIT giggled herself into a better mood.
What bothers me is that it’s clear that I have taught her something…..it’s not what I was aiming for however.
That’s where changing the mindset comes in…..I’m a pissy person.
I have to take a moment to make a conscious effort to *try* to look at the positive in every situation.
For example—morning rushour—Mommas CLEARLY irritated & impatient.
Guess who is now huffing and puffing at every red light from the backseat?
Mhmm…my child.
Mommas got to going to stop it…NOW.
Each day I have been making every effort to be positive right from the start.
No more do I fling my legs out of bed and think “fuck. 5am already.”
Instead, I’m replacing the “fuckits” with ideas of what the day will bring for the PIT and I.
“Should it be game night? Is it gonna be above -30 degrees so we can play outside? “
I turn on some tunes and shake my morning right.
Slowly the PIT is picking up on it.
She’s still very “Ack it’s the end of the world”-ish but I’ve discovered that if I approach her pissiness with positive she’s far less resistant to having a good day.
If we both start off the day pissy and snap at each other and have a kardashian-ish overdramatic tiff—we both have a shit day.
My biggest challenge has been mornings…neither one of us are really morning people so it’s easy to have a bad day if we’re not careful.
Mainly-I have to be careful-she’s watching me, she’s picking up on my every vibe.
My goal this week is to maintain a positive attitude especially in the mornings so that we both have a better chance of having a great day.
let’s face it…I don’t know shit about relationships
so…step up your game before approaching my friends) they look at me like “yeah yeah…says SINGLE you” and with that look I’ll generally bite my tounge and continue to bash their boyfriends in my mind.
Single Parent Bloggers Rock;>
