Posts tagged ‘city’

April 26, 2010

There once was a man…

There once was a man, who made this girl feel something…..even though it didnt work out the way I had hoped…I cannot ignore it, deny it, or hide from it–I do indeed want to love someone and I do want to be loved.  I’m never going to have that chance if I keep running away from it.  Admitting I have feelings is really fucking hard for me…..but it’s harder to convince myself that its just not worth it…not when I honestly miss the way I felt when I wrote this….and why the hell should I?   

158

When “our” song comes on the radio I cant help but grin….when I get a “good morning princess” text (everyday) my guts get all shakey and again I find myself grinning. 

 He makes me smile….giggle and laugh….a lot.

  MakeAGirlLaugh

When he sends flowers to my office #just cuz he makes me giggle and blush like a girl which is something I very rarely let people know….yes…turns out I am a girl….I do indeed have a heart and feelings. (fuck with em and Im still prepared to go all crazy white bitch on ya)

 

He makes me think..…think of things that Ive long since forgot about. 

couple

Ok fine.

  I never forgot about them, I just buried them in the depths of my being because admitting that they were there hurt and that sucks.  

Daydreaming of slow dancing on a beach near a bonfire, holding hands strolling city streets with a man that I adore and equally adores me…

Couplecc

..all seemed pointless to a girl like me. 

Wishing and wanting something that youve already convinced yourself that youve missed your chance at is torture when all you can see are the shattered remains of what your life once was….the mistakes that youve made….

However, now when I think about these “things”, Im not afraid. Im not hurt…in fact….Im grinning…AGAIN. So many ideas, dreams, wishes and wants come flooding into my mind…so many things that Ive been so terrified of…..suddenly bring a smile to my face….

“ What I need is someone who will make me do what I can.”  Ralph Waldo Emerson

 together

This quote struck one of those rockstar nerves….it makes sense to me.  I dont need to be told what to do or where to go or how to do it….I need someone who smiles, takes me by the hand, pulls my lazy bum up off the sofa and says “Come on baby…lets conquer the fucking world together…..or hit the road, see where we end up and lay in the back of my truck…we’ll roll with it…together”

 5

 

April 19, 2010

Revisiting my mission…

I generally keep quiet when it comes to talking about relationships shhlet’s face it…I don’t know shit about relationships

Or do I?

Depends how ya look at it I guess.

When I rip on my girlfriends (I’m always the bad friend reminding your girlfriends that they deserve betterwhisper so…step up your game before approaching my friends) they look at me like “yeah yeah…says SINGLE you” and with that look I’ll generally bite my tounge and continue to bash their boyfriends in my mind.

After all, who am I to say shit about relationships.

Well, when it comes to having a successful relationship, yes, I dont know Jack shit.

 Marriage

However, when it comes to royally fucking up your life because of bad relationships, poor choices, letting it slide one to many times, hoping this is the last time he pulls that crap, crushing your soul because of you simply loved the wrong person far too much…when it comes to self destructing because of “him”…I know quite a bit.

 4xy

I can bitch and yell at my girls all I want…bust their mans balls day after day…in the end however it’s always up to them.  I was once the girl getting scolded for making excuses for the worthless turd….the one that wanted it to work so badly I overlooked things, let shit slide…believed him when he promised that this was the last time.

24

I’ve been there…I know…lemme tell ya..some shits just plain unacceptable.

I hope my daughter never forgets for a second that she deserves nothing less than the best.

I hope that by telling my stories..women will be concious of their self worth and will never settle just so they’re not alone. It’s better to be alone and true to ones self than it is to sacrafice a shred of yourself to be with him…

wo 

To thyne own self be true.

2

I’m making it my mission to be the voice that wispers to women everywhere “you deserve what you accept” and reminds them “To thyne own self be true“.

hand

The girl with the scars and souvieners to tell the stories that only further prove the lesson Ive learned to be true…….

you only deserve what you accept.

January 4, 2010

My first award of the new year!

When it comes to my writing, aside from telling horrible tales of relationships gone wrong and how men ruined me

(because I let them…temporary insanity…yes, thats it! Temporary infrikcinsanity!),

I love getting awards from fellow bloggers and I especially love when awards come with a challange. 

Meet La Vita e’ bella who was kind enough to give me this: 

Photobucket

This award, along with the challenge of listing 10 things that make me happy, couldnt have come at a better time. 

In a daily struggle challenge to stay positive, a list of my happy things is just what I needed….and i need to challenge myself to continue to add to this list. 

Find more things that make me happy….get out and explore with the PIT….meet people…maintain positive relationships and rid myself of the crapola ones. 

Thank you Michelle for this honor!  You are an inspiration my friend~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**10 things that make this momma happy**

1) The PIT’s giggle when I pinch her pointy chin….it must tickle cause she cant help but giggle even when shes trying her best to be mad at me.

2) Hair day….I love getting my hair did! Actually, hair day is this week and I am friggin giddy! I love the way the red is all in your face for the first day or two.

3) Slow dancing in the kitchen…lost in the music, his touch, the moment…turns out I DO like that. Tried it and I was indeed very happy there in his kitchen

4) Dancing around like a maniac to “Aqauarius” in a cozy apartment with a gorgeous view of the city, surrounded by friends with the smell of chocolate rum cake baking in the background.

 (Uh huh—chocolate rum cake….friggin YUM)

5) The look in my best friends eyes when she looks at her son….*that* look…of unconditional love.

6) My gramma. She’s adorable! A conversation with gramma includes each and every tiny detail, sometimes so many that we forget where the hell the story was going. Everytime I visit gramma Im certain Ill get a home cooked meal and leftovers…put into cool whip containers…that she then writes the contents of each container on the lids in magic marker. Plus, gramma says things like “davenport” and “Im gonna write that down where the cat cant scratch it out”.

7) Pictures….photography. I love taking random pictures…especially in the city.  This year Im going to pursue my passion for photography in full force

8) The city….Im a sucker for the concrete jungle. I like city living much better than small town living…Im intrigued by the clutter and chaos. I don’t have to live *in* the city but near it.

9) Writing…its my escape and my release. Im not much of a talker…unless we’re talkin shit…if we’re talking *feeling* and stuff…Im out. For me, sometimes I just cant get it out right unless its in black & white.

10) And finally, I must admit that romance makes me happy.

(Did you hear that Morgan? Its mostly your fault…the Romantic Revolutionary

 

has indeed inspired me to pick up the pieces of a once broken heart and move on.)

Although…I must say kudos to Mr Man who happens to be incredibly good at romance….and making me happy….which is all new for me but Im totally diggin it

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………. 

Part of the award is passing it along to 10 other bloggers I find inspirational

I hereby pass this Happiness 101 award to….

*Ms Single Mama

*Morgan at Bluegrass romance

*Nikol at moody fingers

*SingleMomSurvives

*MelySpeaks

*Chasingdragonflies

*The Blogess

*Momma Sunshine

*Not a soccer mom

*Rockstarmomma30

Let’s keep encouraging each other and pass this on to your top ten bloggers!

 

October 17, 2009

Dear 16 year old me

Remember that back to the future movie..the one when old biff goes back to the 50s and slips young biff the score book for the next fifty years thus making biff super rich and extra scumy?

If you went back in time and looked yourself in the face….what would you say?

Would you v8 bop yourself in the head?

If I were looking at my 16 year old self I certainly would.

swingset

I’d also want my 16 year old self to hear this. I know the 16 year old me wouldn’t listen to any of this…ever.

I knew it all when I was 16 for fucks sake.

Maybe I wouldn’t listen…but hopefully somewhere…a 16 year old might read this and hopefully the story echos in her mind.

I don’t care if she never ever admits that this might sound a bit too much like herself and that it makes sense to her..hit a nerve inside her soul…just so long as it does hit that nerve that saves her from herself.

whisper

…….Look atchu miss thang all bad ass rocking those dickies like you’re fresh outta Compton……

gangsta1

Youre not from compton, stop it.

You and your gangsta friends running shit like you own it. You’re runnin with the badest of the bad, the craziest mo fo’s out there. not your of your friends hadn’t been locked up. Not one of them doesn’t claim a set. Yeah you’re friends are bad girlie…you bad.

Gangsta

You were just arrested your second week into high school. Way to go champ. Keep this shit up and you’re find yourself in over your head. This crew of newbies your running with are a whole new kinda bad. Don’t act like you didn’t see the guns and cocaine under their couch cushions when you were lookin for your lighter.

Get out now…there is a difference between a gangsta and a thug. These boys are thugs…straight up menace to society kinda crazy.

Just walk away girl just walk away.

You’re driving your mother crazy with this nonsense. You’re being a reckless lil fuck and lemme tell ya..15 years later…2 of these boys are dead, one of your favorite chickas..the one you’ve been drinking with at those teen nights at the Branch…the one who just left to Cali to visit her cousins…she’s coming back from Cali in a body bag…. 4 others serving life. These hands of these boys shoulda been hands to shake and move on. The chicka was good shit, she was just in the wrong place at the wrong time…she was reckless…just like you but so far you’re still alive. Get out while you can. These boys may be the badest but they’re also the worst your going to meet.

Shake these hands. Don’t hold them.

In a few months you’ll see their true colors come out in a fight between then and your long time boys..the ones that always looked out for you. A fight so nasty that you’re all going to be banned from the local bowling alley for life. You’re going to have to pick a side…stick with the boys who are looking out for you…not the ones with the badest rap sheet.

Your friends are the most important ppl in your life right now. Choose them wisely if you want them…pay attention to who’s hand your holding…should you be holding it or should you be shaking it as you pass by?

Loyalty is wasted when misplaced.

Bff

Don’t do that. It’s annoying.

Your skipping school is quite impressive. Too bad you can’t letter in tardy cause girl you got that shit down. Knock it off. Show some respect, be on time or be gone. Oh and don’t forge your dads name on an excuse note…when you’re dad hasn’t been invovled in your acedemic career ever, the schools gonna question why he’s suddenly pulling you outta school for three days. Just keep forgein mommas..you’re on a roll there! Or you could actually attend classes…just an idea. There’s plenty of time to hang out with your friends and smoke pot after school. Perhaps if you stopped skipping school you wouldn’t be grounded so much and then you could play ghetto fab after school. Just saying.

Also-your mother knows that you’re smoking and she so does not believe those were aprils smokes in your pocket. Own up lady.

October 13, 2009

Ignorance….

 

 Now Ive heard alot of ignorant things in my lifetime and Ive said some pretty fucktastic shit along the way myself…but I was still floored by the ignorance that I overheard in a small town cafe.

ignorance

In this day & age…after all this country has been through, seen, lived and learned from…. there are still people this ignorant among us..raising children….teaching them to hate based on color.  I can hear this conversation over & over again in my mind and it takes alot of fucking effort not to vomit…or throw something in a massive fit of “are you fucking kidding me??!?!??!” kinda madness…

 fucktards

 

“I don’t know what it is about that mix” he said

“What mix? What are you talking about?” she asked

“That mix…asian & white.  They make the most stunningly beautiful babies”  he said

“Oh. That mix”  She said in a soft voice…her eyes following the PIT as she pranced across the room

She & her husband were my parents age, their daughter a few years younger than me.  They both watched the PIT as she dashed back & forth, ran, jumped, played and giggled with the other kids.  They watched her for hours…they watched the PIT & I interact and they sat there with this look of “hmmmm…..I wonder…” on their faces. 

pregnantbelly1

Mister waved me over to the table where his wife and another couple were sitting.  I joined them. 

“Hey kiddo! I haven’t seen you in ages! How are you? Still in the city?” he asked

“Yup still in the city with the little one…kickin ass & taking names as usual” I replied

“How old is your little one now?” He inquired as his eyes quickly scanned the room looking for her…

“Shes seven” I replied. “Goes by quick”

“yes it sure does” the wife chimed in

“So I assume the baby daddy is out of the picture all together” the husband asked me

{My stomach turned as the words “baby daddy” came outta this mans mouth dripping with judgement.  Who the fuck did he think he was?! I didn’t get knocked up in high school by some fuckin punk underneath the bleachers for fucks sake.  I got knocked up by the fuckin punk I invested 7 years of my life with. I married, divorced and terminated his rights thus making him not only my ex husband but a fuckin DNA donor.  Ya see theres a difference in a baby daddy and a DNA donor.  Look it up.  Don’t insult me looking down your nose at me bitch. Get off your high horse and smell the shit that is reality.  I may not have gotten knocked up by some random punk….but someones daughter sure did….and it was clear that he was still pissed by that.}

“Shortly after my divorce, I terminated my ex husbands parental rights.” I replied calmly, trying to keep from bitch slapping this man…”I figured if I was gonna do it all by myself we might as well make it legal.  Parenting isn’t a come & go kinda thing if you ask me.” I said “all or nothing. My ex-husband got nothing”

“He doesn’t help in any way?!” He screeched

I chuckled and said “Nope. Nothing.  Im officially a single parent. Theres nothing to be expected from him.”

And then it happened. 

“Ya know, years ago, in the days of lynchings & shoot em up bang bangs this kinda thing wouldn’t be a problem.” He said

“What kind of problem would that be?” I inquired as I braced myself to try and NOT rip his face off when he replied “mixing”

Ah…ok good, here I was afraid it was going to be something ignorant.

 holy fucking shit balls this was beyond anything I could have imagined. 

By “this kinda thing” you mean MY CHILD?!

363

Yeah take a good look at her…is this the “problem”? “that kinda thing”?! 

This wonderful little monster happens to be the greatest “thing” that could have to me…how fucking dare you….I thought to myself.

Are you fucking kidding me?! How far south did I fucking go?!

Did I go back in time? Is Marty McFly here?!

mcfly1

{BREATHE…1-2-3-BREATHE…1-2-3…I will not assault him I will not assault him…} 

“Do you know what that son of a bitch did right after he was thru with my daughter?” he said. “He went right back out and got some other girl in trouble and doesn’t take care of that one either” 

{He got some girl in trouble? Ummmm hey 1950…guess what…in the early days of the new millenium…your daughter put out. A lot.  So technically in all fairness sir, you’re daughter was just as much a part of “getting in trouble” as the dude was.}

My fists were clenched so tight I could feel my fingernails digging into my palms.  Is this really happening right now?  And why am I not allowed to smack people when they clearly deserve it?!?!?  You see …..this mans daughter and a family member of Mr Meth’s reproduced & someone *AHEM* was not pleased.

“Actually” I snapped “After the ordeal that he went through with your daughter he did in fact get another girl knockered..no doubt about that…in fact, when I visit the family the child is there.  His son LIVES with him…his son is being raised by him & his family, cared for, loved, looked after and provided for every fucking day.  The child speaks better Lao than English because the primary care is given by his Lao father.  The same way that what would have been your granddaughter sir, would have been loved and cared for if you hadn’t insisted that she be given to a complete stranger simply because she was “mixed”.  Riddle me this….if a white boy from the farm had gotten your daughter knocked up would you still have forced them into adoption?” I replied. “Would you still be looking at my daughter wondering if that’s what your granddaughter would have looked like, been about the same age, do you look at me with my daughter and see the love that I have for her? The strength I draw from her? Do you see my eyes full of love when I look at my daughter and wonder if you’ve ripped that kind of love away from your daughter?” I asked “My ex-husband was a lot of things, none of which I was amused by in the end, but regardless…..he was a fuck because he was a meth addict.  Not because he was asian.” I said with teeth clenched.  “Like it or not old man it takes two to tango.  You’re daughter….tango’d with Asians”

If looks could kill, everyone at that table would have been dead. 

{Whatsa matter ol timer….dont like what I have to say? Shucks. How bout this….you keep your ignorance to yourself and Ill keep my colorful opinions out of your face}

I can only imagine the wonderful things that were said about me after I left the table. 

I could almost care too but I don’t. 

 

 Is this the kind of nonsense that is still going on in peoples minds?!

Well then to fucking bad…you deserve a good ass chewing. 

Racist

 

 

September 10, 2009

That day..

It was a glorious fall morning in Minnesota.  The bluest most untouched sky…sun shining bright…leaves starting to change that wicked red and orange of autumn. 

Autumn

I remember getting into my car that morning and thinking “it’s to fuckin early for this. Damnit that sun is bright! I feel a vomit coming on. Shit” and then running back onto my house to blow chunks yet again.  You see, that glorious morning I was heading to the doctor (far too early. Anything before noon in my pre-momma days was murder.) to confirm what that little pee stick said…that I was indeed knockered…which explained the constant puking. (I puked cheerios. Who the hell can’t handle cheerios?!)

*side note: try being a nurses aide at a hospital, wiping old folks asses and having to say “oop one sec Margaret…I’m gonna barf…just stay right there k?” not cool. I barfed all the damn time! 

Once the barf session was over I headed out to the car…cranked up a CD and headed off to the doctor. I remember sitting in the waiting room listening to elevator music thinking “I’m gonna barf. I’m never going to stop barfing. Omg 9 months of barfing?! What have I done?!” just then a nurse called me back. I sat in the exam room nervous, terrifed, naked, freezing and still barfing waiting for my OB to come in. My OB was a wonderful woman who calmed my fears, and told me that I wasn’t going to barf forever and I could have an epidural for delivery. (What? It’s scarey to think about the pain of pushing a person outta your vagina! Forget it…call anestesia) and answered all of my ridiculous “I’m to scared to be a mom” questions and “what ifs”.  Then it was onto the physical exam. Which, for the record is terrible. Get the hell away from my cervix!  But then my whining turned to panic.  My panic grew with every move the doctor made with the stethascope across my belly. “I’m not hearing a heartbeat.” she said.  I laid there silently but the look on my face must have said “OH FUCK” loud and clear because she reached out her hand, helped me sit up and said “let’s not panic. Let’s get you in for an ultra sound” Ok..an ultrasound didn’t sound so bad. I could handle that.  She was able to get me in for an ultra sound at 1:15 that day and asked me to return right afterwards and we’d discuss the findings. 

(discuss the findings? You mean we’ll discuss if I have a viable fetus or not? If I’m going to have a baby or if I’m going to have a D & C? Super. Great. I’ll be here)

 I left her office, got in my car and bawled until I barfed..yet again. I was absolutely terrified and it was only 11:30. What the hell was I going to do until one?!? Fuckin worry?!? Yup, and fill my bladder per doctors orders. I went to hardees for the hot ham & cheese sandwich, curly fries and large coke I was craving and headed home to catch my beloved soaps. 

I remember sitting there, on my sofa, chewing on some fries, the dog sitting next to me hoping I’d drop a fry and I remember the feeling in my gut that day as I realized that All my Children wouldn’t be coming on.

I watched in shock, and horrid disbelief as I watched the reports of the first plane hitting the tower…I shook with fear as I watched the second plane hit.

towers

My fear was accomanied by anger as I watched the third plane hit the pentagon.

Pentagon

I bawled as I watched the fourth plane in that Pennsylvania field.

remember

So many things raced through my mind…so many emotions poured out of me as I watched those people in those buildings leap to their death…..

 9-11_Falling_Man

as the fire fighters kept going back into those burning buildings…

 firefighters-at-9-11

as the black smoke rolled out of the pentagon. ..The streets of new York were filled with panic and covered in ash….

_Ground_Zero_02

the pentagon had a plane IN it…passangers took down that last plane..those passangers that called their loved ones from the plane and said their goodbyes and I love you’s knowing THAT would be the last time they would ever be able to. 

Tom Burnett (From Minnesota) called his wife, Deena, and reportedly told her, “We’re all going to die, but three of us are going to do something” and added: “I love you, honey” before the call ended.

They did that and then they kicked some terrorist ass.  I get chills now as I think about it…the courage that had to have conquered the fear long enough to say goodbye to your wife, hang up and say “let’s roll” united with strangers with the same courage to fight back.

Let's_Roll
I headed back to the clinic for my ultra sound shaken by what I had seen (a bit suprised it took me till noon to figure out the country was being attacked) and now back to full force worry mode: heartbeat or no heartbeat.  The waiting room at the ultra sound clinic had CNN on..playing the footage of the planes flying into the twin towers and the footage of the still burning still somewhat standing buildings.  I cried as I watched the terror in the peoples eyes as they ran for their lives down that new York street with a massive cloud of ash pumeling after them. 

 9-11_panic

The tech called my name…”oh shit..please please please let there be a heatbreat” the tech was very nice and could sense I was scared shitless. She put that cold gooy stuff on my belly and got the wand ready and….I barfed.  Then we proceeded…there it was…a tiny little blob with a very much so beating heart.I’ll never forget the joy i felt at that moment, staring at this little blinking heart….it was beautiful…it was at that moment that I felt it…I felt…mom. I felt so much love yet so much fear as I thought about the events unfolding before my eyes..before the eyes of every person in this country.  What kind of world am I bringing a life into? What’s going to happen now? Will we even be around by the time this child is born?  I left the ultra sound clinic and went back to my OB where we discussed my due date (yes!!!!)  I left her office with my very first picture of my baby…dated 9.11.01. 

1233332 182

A day I’ll never forget for joyful and painful emotions. That afternoon I reported for duty at the hospital where I worked. I remember the somber feeling…the quietness of the halls…the red puffy eyes of the nurses who had watched the days attacks just as I had.  Not much was spoken, with words, the looks in the eyes of my fellow Americans said it all.  We were all scared, worried, sad, sick with the idea of the number of lives lost, we were all shaken…but never broken. The census on first floor was low so I was able to join some of the nurses who were walking up to a memorial type service at city hall.  We walked together quietly…we stood together and cried with many others who had gathered at the service.  We stood shoulder to shoulder with strangers and held hands as fellow Americans as we prayed together….

Firemans_Flag_lg

 

Tell me….where were you?

August 17, 2009

“Wanna Go for a Walk Momma”

 ”Wanna go for a walk momma?”  she asked me…

Luccis walking

“Sure” I replied, “wanna walk all the way across this entire town?” I asked with a raised eyebrow and a grin..

Her eyebrow perked “Yes!” she squealed “All the way across this entire town?!” she inquired.

“Mmmhmm. All.the.way.” I said

rushmore

She looked at me with those big brown eyes full of wonder and excitement as she held out her hand and said

“let’s rock momma” to which I replied “let’s roll baby”

{secret rockstar handshake}

and off we went…

 lucci on rr tracks

We were visiting my gramma who lives in the tiny town I grew up in until I was 12 years old.  A town full of memories…a childhood of memories came flooding into my mind as we headed out all the way across town.  I showed the PIT where my childhood friends lived…my old daycare…the ministers garden that we used to steal tomatos from to throw at houses…the grocery store that my friends & I climbed (who knows why) and launched apples at passing cars (that did not go over well)….the place where the “pumpkin house” used to be.  As kids we were certain the pumpkin house was haunted….we would sneak in every now and then on a random dare or pure boredom.  The PIT and I walked down the alley that lead from my dads shop over to my grandpas shop…the alley that my brother and I put 180000000 miles on as kids running back & forth between shops.

*side note: every mile my brother put on was put on via his beloved riding lawnmower. He would drive that stupid thing all over all the time for no reason. It was adorable!

As the PIT and I walked along her inquizative little mind kept begging for more stories. I showed her where the “pool hall” was when I was a kid. The pool hall where my parents and my friends parents often hung out after a long days work…the pool hall where we used to get those nasty candy cigarettes..the pool hall that was always blue with cigarette smoke, jukebox was always playing and our parents could often be heard laughing…

 Not far from what was once the pool hall still stands my grandfathers shop…I took the PIT there…..

lucci at gpas

Her curious mind peaked as she explored the outside of the old shop….

peak

she peaked in the old windows and inquired about all the machines inside…the cars the walls full of grandpas tools….

shop

She even managed a baby rockstar pose in grandpas honor…

lucc

Im pretty sure my grandpa would have been mighty proud of that lil rockstar in progress…..

 gpa

 This is my grandpa….the original Rockstar…..in front of his shop..