Posts tagged ‘dossier’

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May 21, 2010

One year & one dossier later

May 21, 2009.  The day that ModernSingleMomma introduced to her dossier and thus….inspired me to create my own dossier.  Not an easy task for me that day….

I woke up this morning trying my hardest to have and maintain a positive attitude/outlook.  This is simple task is one that I have always struggled with.  Ive been feeling so incredibly lost lately and it blows. Im sick of it. Time to grab this crazy train of a life and wrestle it into submission. I run my life. My life doesnt run me.

I wrote my dossier that day….one year ago today…..

So much has changed, improved, progressed in the last 365 days.  It’s time for me to do the same…..progress.

Today I wrote my Dossier 2010.  It was a bit easier than last year and I had much more fun with it this time around.


Lighten up…laugh….live….a lesson learned

I gave myself until Friday to finish my dossier….May 21st….one full year later…..

Why the deadline? Motivation. I suck at finishing things. One of the many things I intend to improve.


It’s Friday…..May 21, 2010 and this is my Dossier



Name:: Christeen

MomStarAlias:: Mama, Singlemama_cc, NotYourAverageSingleMomma, CC, your royal highness ;)


MomStarSuperPower:: Instead of striving to be a ‘leader’ I wait, lingering amongst the crowded chaos of life, waiting….what am I waiting for?

Prince Charming?


Bwahahaha Bitch pah-lease.

I’m waiting for *that one*…the one that stumbles, struggles…just needs a helping hand, a shoulder to lean on, someone to listen…the one who I look at and it’s like I’m looking in a mirror through time ….the one that resembles a former similar version of a past me….it never fails, there’s always one and that’s who I wait for.

The one that needs an encouraging reminder/dose of reality….I use the power of words to ignite the flame of self confidence in those who listen.

I have a wicked way with words and I make no apologies for that.

You think I’m hard on you? Girly…just think of what I did to myself.


If I’ve been there & done that–I’ll tell you, even if having been there & done that isn’t a moment of pride. It doesn’t matter.

The good, the bad and the ugly-no holds barred. No judgement. no advise, no ‘I told you so’…just listening, sharing…relating…

I use the lessons I’ve learned along the way, I use my power of passion and fierce spirit to pull that one off the edge because sometimes…it just needs to be done.

Sometimes, we could use a tug to save us from ourselves.

I’m here to do that.

Don’t underestimate my twig like arms….and never underestimate the exhilerating power of the truth.


My MomStarSuperPower is passion for compassion and nurturing those who need and/or deserve an obnoxiously foul mouthed, #assslap-in cheerleader.


Dress Up Closet:: A strapless red dress



Disguise:: Torn jeans,bigass shades, vintage t’s, camoflague pj’s stolen from a sibling (who is TROUBLE), sneakers, a stolen pair of flip flops and hats…I digg hats


Go to Gadget:: Iphone and Carlos the camera

(Why is it named Carlos? Because I have seen the Hangover THAT many times-duh)


Vice:: damn menthols


MomStarMagic Potion:: Wine, mama likes wine


MomStar Recharge Hub:: The comfort of alone rather than loneliness….meditation is my newest friend, the sound of the PIT’s laughter is an instant energy boost


Bratty spoilers:: Cheesecake, napping just because I can, the Hangover

MomStar Manual:: I’m learning as I go…..currently I’m devouring the words, lessons and laughs with Morgan, Girly Gazette, Parenting Pink and The Bloggess

(whenever Im in doubt-I think

“what would the Bloggess do?”


then I go see what kind of rumpusfun is going on over at her blog….

and by the time I’m done Ive  pissed myself laughing so hard  and totally forgot what the hell I was doubting.)

**Huh, guess that makes her my RESET button. Tits**

Weapon:: FIRE~ It will warm you, possibly fuel you but it will burn enemies. Also, I’ve got a dirty mouth and I know how to use it


Nemisis:: Depression, anxiety, fear and food that makes that squishy noise when chewed


Secret Ambition:: Start a revolution. Powered by truly honest and good people who don’t necessarily see things the same way but they see in the same direction.

Posted in Mission: Change the Mindset | 7 Comments »

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April 26, 2010

There once was a man…

There once was a man, who made this girl feel something…..even though it didnt work out the way I had hoped…I cannot ignore it, deny it, or hide from it–I do indeed want to love someone and I do want to be loved.  I’m never going to have that chance if I keep running away from it.  Admitting I have feelings is really fucking hard for me…..but it’s harder to convince myself that its just not worth it…not when I honestly miss the way I felt when I wrote this….and why the hell should I?   

158

When “our” song comes on the radio I cant help but grin….when I get a “good morning princess” text (everyday) my guts get all shakey and again I find myself grinning. 

 He makes me smile….giggle and laugh….a lot.

  MakeAGirlLaugh

When he sends flowers to my office #just cuz he makes me giggle and blush like a girl which is something I very rarely let people know….yes…turns out I am a girl….I do indeed have a heart and feelings. (fuck with em and Im still prepared to go all crazy white bitch on ya)

 

He makes me think..…think of things that Ive long since forgot about. 

couple

Ok fine.

  I never forgot about them, I just buried them in the depths of my being because admitting that they were there hurt and that sucks.  

Daydreaming of slow dancing on a beach near a bonfire, holding hands strolling city streets with a man that I adore and equally adores me…

Couplecc

..all seemed pointless to a girl like me. 

Wishing and wanting something that youve already convinced yourself that youve missed your chance at is torture when all you can see are the shattered remains of what your life once was….the mistakes that youve made….

However, now when I think about these “things”, Im not afraid. Im not hurt…in fact….Im grinning…AGAIN. So many ideas, dreams, wishes and wants come flooding into my mind…so many things that Ive been so terrified of…..suddenly bring a smile to my face….

“ What I need is someone who will make me do what I can.”  Ralph Waldo Emerson

 together

This quote struck one of those rockstar nerves….it makes sense to me.  I dont need to be told what to do or where to go or how to do it….I need someone who smiles, takes me by the hand, pulls my lazy bum up off the sofa and says “Come on baby…lets conquer the fucking world together…..or hit the road, see where we end up and lay in the back of my truck…we’ll roll with it…together”

 5

 

Posted in so I have a heart and feelings...tell anyone and Ill kill you | 14 Comments »

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April 13, 2010

Im gonna rock the shit outta this motherhood bit…

Pushing a person outta the devil chute can really change your perspective on things.

 Parents and parenting techniques vary as much as a child and a childs behavior.

Before I birthed a child from these loins I knew everything there was about kids…the were noisy and rather “in your face all the time” which I found rather annoying.  I have a very low tolerance for pretty much anything really so I just figured I pass on the parenting bit….until of course I met the PIT. I remember before I was “momma”…I would see that kid in the grocery store throwing that awful hissy fit or the obnoxious kid at a resturant and thinking…”hmpfh if that were my kid by golly…” funny how we know everything about parenting until we actually are parents. 

conv

Now as a parent I find myself feeling clueless…stumbling thru this crazy tangled mess of a life as a mom and a single/stubborn one at that!  I find myself almost daily using a quote or two that Ive picked up and carried with me thru life and passing that onto the PIT as I try my best to teach her….do I know what Im doing, is my way the right way for all, do I think I have all the answers?

Nope. Nope and nope…..hell I dont even know the fucking questions yet let alone the answers! 

Am I gonna rock the shit outta this motherhood bit

legs-1

and raise on hell of a respectful, independant, open minded, smart, caring, compassionate and quite frankly….a mighty force to be reckoned with?

 

I’m changing the world one lil baby rockstar at a time…..my own way~

  

Posted in Just because Im a mom does NOT mean I wont throat punch you, My ex's MAY have made me kinda bitter, NEWSFLASH: Im a bitch | 1 Comment »

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August 17, 2009

“Wanna Go for a Walk Momma”

 ”Wanna go for a walk momma?”  she asked me…

Luccis walking

“Sure” I replied, “wanna walk all the way across this entire town?” I asked with a raised eyebrow and a grin..

Her eyebrow perked “Yes!” she squealed “All the way across this entire town?!” she inquired.

“Mmmhmm. All.the.way.” I said

rushmore

She looked at me with those big brown eyes full of wonder and excitement as she held out her hand and said

“let’s rock momma” to which I replied “let’s roll baby”

{secret rockstar handshake}

and off we went…

 lucci on rr tracks

We were visiting my gramma who lives in the tiny town I grew up in until I was 12 years old.  A town full of memories…a childhood of memories came flooding into my mind as we headed out all the way across town.  I showed the PIT where my childhood friends lived…my old daycare…the ministers garden that we used to steal tomatos from to throw at houses…the grocery store that my friends & I climbed (who knows why) and launched apples at passing cars (that did not go over well)….the place where the “pumpkin house” used to be.  As kids we were certain the pumpkin house was haunted….we would sneak in every now and then on a random dare or pure boredom.  The PIT and I walked down the alley that lead from my dads shop over to my grandpas shop…the alley that my brother and I put 180000000 miles on as kids running back & forth between shops.

*side note: every mile my brother put on was put on via his beloved riding lawnmower. He would drive that stupid thing all over all the time for no reason. It was adorable!

As the PIT and I walked along her inquizative little mind kept begging for more stories. I showed her where the “pool hall” was when I was a kid. The pool hall where my parents and my friends parents often hung out after a long days work…the pool hall where we used to get those nasty candy cigarettes..the pool hall that was always blue with cigarette smoke, jukebox was always playing and our parents could often be heard laughing…

 Not far from what was once the pool hall still stands my grandfathers shop…I took the PIT there…..

lucci at gpas

Her curious mind peaked as she explored the outside of the old shop….

peak

she peaked in the old windows and inquired about all the machines inside…the cars the walls full of grandpas tools….

shop

She even managed a baby rockstar pose in grandpas honor…

lucc

Im pretty sure my grandpa would have been mighty proud of that lil rockstar in progress…..

 gpa

 This is my grandpa….the original Rockstar…..in front of his shop..

Posted in and then theres this kinda shit, remember that one time, so I have a heart and feelings...tell anyone and Ill kill you | 4 Comments »

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August 6, 2009

Meet “Auntie”

I think its time for you folks to meet my Rockstar Posse dont you?

Lets start here……

Meet Auntie~ 

My bestie, the PITs godmother, the only female I could ever live with without killing, the only woman I’ve ever offered my uterus to, and current record holder for tolerating my lippy ass the longest.

We went to preschool together, and behaved.
We went to jr high together and did not:)

Auntie & I were quite the duo (still are but in better ways) nobody crossed me without crossing auntie and nobody crossed auntie without crossing me.  We always had each others back-regardless.  Auntie & I along with our “posse” were notorious for starting and finishing some bad ass chick fights. Not gonna lie..I’ve got mean friends when provoked…always been glad that we’re on the same side. 

My best memories are with auntie…I spent every Friday night at her house growing up because her sister (another badass rockstar momma) always had detention Saturdays so I always had a ride home…hehe…thanks ang!

*FINE! to be fair…auntie & I had plenty of detention as well…I had 8 hours once for 47 tardies in one class…I think we were 48 days into the class too…alright fine so I’m late…alot…so what~

Auntie & I grew up together, literally. We passed notes to each other in jr high…we were seperated most of hs classes (psssh like that stopped us) we skipped school together…whew…alot of school..almost skipped my entire jr year come to think of it…

We had our firsts together..first boyfriend, first kisses, first broken heart, first time being arrested, first time hitting the others worthless turd of a man in the face…alrite so that was only me but he had it coming & if mr meth or the drunk ever meet auntie in a dark alley they’d met the end of her Louisville slugger. (never underestimate the littlest chick in the bunch–she’s gonna be the one that knocks your ass out—I’ve seen her do it!

(thanks for saving me from that hefer who had me by the throat momma!)

Auntie is more then my best friend &  favorite accomplice…she’s my sister…(one mother could not have handled us both)
She quit her job, left her close knit family and moved with me immediatley after the divorce…no questions, no excuses, no doubt in her mind that she could sacrifice a year outta her life to hold my hand and help me get back up on my feet again. We packed up a uhaul…partied like fuckin rockstars and left town (my brother drove the uhaul..we were still wasted & wearing Maudi Gras beads when we got to our new place) ahhhh memories!
She’s still the baddest bitch I know. 

She’s a mother now…she is a rockstar momma.

The sight of her with her son makes my heart melt…the admiration between them is breathe taking. I absolutely love watching her be momma. I also admire the fact that after all she has been thru…she never gave up on love yet she never settled in the end…Auntie always believed in happily ever after…shes a romantic…she believes in love and she has found love…..she is an amazing woman…besides the PIT…she’s the most fascinating creature I’ve had the pleasure to meet.  She continues to challenge me everyday just by not giving up on me….she is certain that there is a “girl” in me somewhere & that I do have a heart even if I hate admitting it.  I drive her nuts because I am always her shoulder to cry on but never allow myself to cry on hers….she MAKES me look her in the eyes when she knows Im trying to hide the hurt…shes on to me!  Even though I made her read all the dirt right here about Mr meth & what not…even though I insist on keeping it all inside this woman keeps banging “LET ME IN”   I am grateful everyday for her persistance…I am grateful everyday that I have a bestie like her and that the PIT has the greatest Godmother on the planet.  She has pushed me to be, to believe and to love…I wouldnt be who I am today without the love & compassion of my best friend……

 april&chris

 

Ps–I know Auntie reads this so…

Hey Auntie~
Luff you..luff you lon time!
493 rookie seals…..lmao ok I’m not gonna lie…totally spit on the phone typing that! Ahaha!! I love you momma…
LYLAS

Posted in remember that one time, so I have a heart and feelings...tell anyone and Ill kill you | 7 Comments »

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July 22, 2009

The day I discovered Kenny Chesney

holdEver heard a song that fits so well at a certain point or moment in your life that you are quite certain it was written about you and your “moments” or is it just me?

For example, the first time I had ever heard Kenny chesney was purely an accident. 

I’m a skynard and Zeppelin kinda girl…so I actually had no clue who Kenny chesney was. 

I was rockin the PIT one warm summer evening…I remember this so well it freaks me out….I was rockin the PIT to sleep in my lil gray rocking chair (the lil gray chair that squeaked and creaked with every rock back & forth back & forth…I bet my ass alone put 9900000 miles on that rocking chair!)  I was comfie in my squeaky chair and the PIT was all snuggled up on my chest in that “cozy-ball-of-baby” position so when I realized that the remote was ALL the way across the living room….I was less than pleased to be stuck watching GAC county music videos

**totally my brothers fault.  The rules were as follows: leave the soap opera channel on or leave the remote ON my lil squeaky chair.  I was often trapped under the snuggley cuddley ball of baby and really didn’t mind…I loved holding her on my chest and watching her sleep…yes I watched her sleep…big deal…sure beat the alternantive which was “watch meth eatcher hubbys soul”**

As I rocked the PIT that evening and thought about what a fuckin disaster I was in I remember looking at her sleeping on my chest and silently sobbing (ya learn to cry quietly as a momma or you wake the baby) thinking  “it wasn’t supposed to be like this” and I remember whispering to her as I continued to sob “I never meant it to be like this..I’m so sorry baby..I’ll make things right for you”  

y

**I had no idea how to make things right but it turns out “knowing” how to make things right isnt all that important.

Knowing BELIEVING that you will make them better is**

I took a deep breath, kissed the sleeping PIT, wiped my teary eyes and went back to being pissed at my brother about the remote.

**Fine alright…even though i HATE having to repeat myself….I wasn’t really pissed at him, I was pissed at my life and I was taking it out on my brother and the remote. Quite frankly the soap channel should be blocked from women like me so watching GAC turned out to be a good thing! When did country dudes get frickin hott btw…while I was pregnant and watching soapnet?! Good grief…get me a cowboy hat, boots & daisy dukes and cowboy take me away!** {yup my blog is a glimpse inside my head and **these indicate a detour lol..my thoughts always get this far off track. Just enjoy the ride} 

 I started to pay attention to the TV….there was a video just starting….totally caught my attention.  I watched this video and listened to the song “The Good Stuff” and it may have been the hormones or it may have been reality setting in but at that moment I was sure of one thing….I DID NOT HAVE “THE GOOD STUFF” but I sure as shit wanted it. 

Later that night…still sitting in my squeaky chair I still thinking about “the good stuff” and how I didnt have that…what I had was a piece of shit meth head hubby who was banging 17 yr olds while I was giving birth…and yup….I was pissed.  Pissed enough to finally admit that it was over…I wanted a divorce and I wanted to start my own “good stuff” and I wanted it NOW. 

i 

Seven years later……Im a rockstar mom and a little girls everything…..that to me IS “the good stuff”

 

Posted in My ex's MAY have made me kinda bitter, Soundtrack of a SingleMomma | 7 Comments »

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July 21, 2009

Simple minds

I’ll never forget the day that I realized just how simply innocent the PITs thought process was.

The PIT was about 2 years old and we were living in the city with my bff aka Auntie.  The PIT came out to the living room one afternoon with yet another wardrobe change (the girls been runway ready in a “I can change into a new outfit faster than you can blink” kinda way) but this time she had her shirt on backwards.  Auntie noticed that it was backwards and said to the PIT..

“Lucci, turn your shirt around babe”

I watched the PIT turn in a complete 360 thus turning her shirt around just as she had been told to do.  It wasn’t what auntie had “meant” but it was exactly what she had said. 

It was at that moment that I had a rockstar revolation…when I tell my baby rockstar something…all she hears are the words…there is no hidden meaning and no hidden agenda in her mind…..yet.  Children see no hidden agendas…they see the world without all the scars and souvieners that we as adults now can see and even feel. 

scars

Although I personally can feel my scars…I can see them.. I carry my souvieners, scars and favorite quotes aka “words o wisdom” with me everyday so that I never forget where I’ve been or what I’ve been thru what I survived

 #assslap #happydance {#singing I’m a survivor at the top of my lungs while dancing around my apartment in my favorite booty shirts and knee hi socks with the ever classy wife beater on} don’t worry the PIT is snorring in my bed rite now and drooling on my pillow…she did not witness the happy dance that just happened here…I get a lil carried away with the “happy dance” but I’m a rockstar…it’s instinct.

Anywho…back on track here rockstar…focus! 

As I was saying, I carry my scars and souvieners with me daily so that I never forget where i’ve been and what I’ve survived…I’m grateful every moment of everyday that I have with my daughter.  I’m grateful that for some reason the good Lord felt the need to gift me the honor of motherhood.  I’m grateful I have been through hell and high water, it made me tough….it also made me grateful to be a fighter and a survivor.

 

Lesson to lucci:
Never forget where you came from, never regret your mistakes–learn from them..never forget who you are and be grateful for every moment that makes the “flutterbys” in yout tummy tickle your soul.  And laugh baby, laugh until your cheeks ache and your tummy turns into abs of steel. Laugh until you almost piss yourself like I’m learning to do more of (laugh not just piss myself)

 

laugh

 

Here’s where “change the mindset”comes in…..

I’ve lived by those words “I carry my scars” with my daily…mostly tucked away in the shadows of my own regret.

DAYDREAMIN

But if I change the mind set and embrace the revolution I could wear these scars and tattoo souvieners like badges of honor and If I believe in the impossible then maybe just maybe it will then be possible to see the world thru the eyes of the PIT.  Thru innocent eyes, with gorgeous, glorious wonder in things I would normally see as mondane….

then the lesson to myself is the same as the lesson to lucci…laugh baby laugh.

9-

Never forget where you’ve been and never regret your mistakes–Learn from them and let go… 

Instead of carrying those scars and souvieners…wear those bitches like pieces of fucking flair!

Posted in NEWSFLASH: Im a bitch, and then theres this kinda shit, remember that one time | 3 Comments »

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July 16, 2009

Concrete shoes suck

Alright so look here….

I was never the girl that dreamed of meeting the man of my dreams and reproducing in obscene amounts….my happily ever after didnt involve me being “wife” or “mother”…or so I thought.  Don’t get me wrong…being a momma is the greatest fucking thing I never even knew I wanted…my girl is the fuel to my fire….I fuckin love it!  However, as a child I remember wanting to live in the big city in a skyline view loft apartment and traveling…all while kicking some major legal ass.  Oh yes…I wanted to be that girl…fierce, full of quik wit & attitude who loved to argue, loved to win and loved the idea of doing it all in a mini skirt and stillettos…the wickedly hott attorney you hoped you never crossed. My happily ever after involved a career. 

So can I still pull this off?

Oh hell yes

.
My happily ever after of a career in the city is kinda sorta there….and it turns out I really rock at being a mom so what’s the problem right? Problem is….I’m wearing concrete shoes of reality that keep sinking my dreams. 

concrete 

What are these concrete shoes I speak of?

well…first there is all these “I can’t”s and ghosts of past mistakes that haunts me no they smack me in the face with a spatula every time I try to leap a a dream.  It’s very discouraging to be smacked in the face…I’m getting mighty sick of it.  My friends have become like jackhammers breaking apart these concrete shoes…for that I am incredibly grateful. It’s time to join in the concrete busting up party by ripping apart these emotions and kicking my way through to my kinda rockstar happily ever fucking after.  Its time to block the spatcula to the face! 

What are these dreams I speak of?  I wanna write until my mind is actually empty…its full of stories I wanna tell em all!  I would like to travel with my girl and show her the world….take it all in with her….it will be a first for both of us and an incredible moment to share dontcha think? I wanna find a man (maybe…someday) that can keep up with me…..I wanna laugh….and mean it….I wanna dream……Ive convinced myself that “i cant” already….bullshit.

note

Time to change the mindset and embrace the revolution!

Posted in I like to bitch.ALOT, My ex's MAY have made me kinda bitter | 2 Comments »

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July 13, 2009

You can have prince charming…

You can have prince charming, he’s of no use to me.

 

pc

 

Gimme a man with tattoos and a Harley…

looks bad but treats me like a princess….

  loves and respects his momma…

loves to cook and will paint my toenails in bed…..

 

 

 

 I want him to hold me for no reasoncouple000 other than I want to be held.

 

I want to know that I am his world without being smothered by him. holdemIf I wanna be left the hell alone he’s gotta give me space…but not abandon me.

 

 

I’m a complicated lil beast….I know….Im also worth the effort;)

 

kissing-

 

 

 

I don’t need a prince charming or a man to save me….I need an equal partner to run wild with.

Posted in I like to bitch.ALOT, I rarely ever to never have anything nice to say...like right now, Just because Im a mom does NOT mean I wont throat punch you, My ex's MAY have made me kinda bitter, NEWSFLASH: Im a bitch, so I have a heart and feelings...tell anyone and Ill kill you | 3 Comments »

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July 3, 2009

RockStarMomma30

Meet RockStarMomma30

aka mommy aka wifey aka Gina

gina

Words she lives by: “If you dont like honesty, go the fuck home”

RockStarMomma30 and I went to high school together…we’re from the same hood;)  Although we were never buddy buddy in high school I always got this intense “I’m not gonna take your shit or anyone elses” kinda vibe from her.

  I fucking loved it! 

To me, Gina has always been a rockstar but when she became a momma…her rockstar status went off the fucking charts. 

 She is a fiercly passionate mother, she loves her baby and she loves her husband. 

I envy the strength it took for Gina to give her heart to someone…one more time….and she trusted him not to break it. 

A leap that I am personally so scared shitless of I may never try.

The love, passion and commitment that Gina and her man have for one another, along with the love of that tiny lil rockstar baby….is my kinda fairytale. 

This fiercly passionate mother and tenacious soul is exactly what my RockStar Posse needs!  She has even decided to start her own adventures in blogging.  This momma has something to say and I cannot wait to hear her roar!  Ginas opinions and her strength to stand her ground for those opinions without being an obnoxious lil shit is admirable!  Im honored to call her my friend~

 Welcome aboard RockStarMomma30…..lets rock~

Posted in Just because Im a mom does NOT mean I wont throat punch you, and then theres this kinda shit, so I have a heart and feelings...tell anyone and Ill kill you | 2 Comments »

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